Sorry for the long title and post, I have combed the forum and can’t seem to find other examples of this but so point me towards them if I’m missing them. My 82 year old father is the primary carer for my 77 year old mum who has dementia (poorly diagnosed but has been confirmed) and anorexia (diagnosed but not been connected to the dementia which I think is an oversight).
He’s been struggling to cope, although her illness isn’t very advanced yet. She is very repetitive and has lost the ability to manage her own day to day care such as taking her meds, remembering to change her clothes day to day, food shopping, etc and needs gentle prompting and constant support.
She’s frequently anxious and has bouts of severe depression, which can be very hard to deal with. Her anorexia means she struggles to eat / can be manipulative to avoid eating.
All of this is challenging (her weight is dangerously low) and I know it’s very tough for my dad, but on balance she’s not yet at the point where things are more difficult.
However, he’s taken the stance that she’s behaving like this (loss of memory, struggling to eat, anxiety, etc) on purpose and becomes extremely verbally abusive towards her as a result. He manages everything now but resents it and doesn’t engage in checking the fridge for old food or cleaning bathrooms with her (she always took care of him, the house, food etc). He also refuses any at home help (cleaner etc).
I’m in my first trimester of pregnancy and came to support them whilst he was in hospital for a minor operation this week (sacrificing work - I’m self employed). I’ve done this countless times over the last few years, in spite of my older siblings living round the corner (my parents only accept help from me).
He came out of hospital last night and immediately started abusing my mum when she was repeating herself - calling her a stupid cow for not remembering what procedure he’d had etc. They’ve always been heavy drinkers and will not discuss addressing this with any of us, and proceeded to sink two bottles of wine plus whiskey in the time it took me to go to the supermarket after getting them home. I arrived to hear him screaming at my mum (audible from outside of the house) for forgetting the details of his op and asking him to help with the meal (she still cooks for them).
Once inside and a bit calmer, I told him I was pregnant (meant to be a happy announcement) and he was irritated that I didn’t want to have a drink with him to toast (it’s my first child), before shouting at me that I’d left him for too long with my idiot mother.
I know he’s under pressure but his behaviour feels absolutely unacceptable. I believe they are both still capable of taking care of themselves for the time being. My dad is fit and mum still cooks and is great at eating when you take the pressure off, and we cleaned the house together yesterday awaiting his return. Yet my dad is essentially emotionally blackmailing me by saying I’m abandoning him by not staying and looking after them for weeks on end to help him get over the op (he has a district nurse coming daily to dress the wound).
After the screaming commenced again, I left the situation as I was beginning to have a panic attack (now staying with family nearby - I live 2.5 hours away). My dad has said he’s devastated that I left and laments that she didn’t remember his hospital visit - no apology for screaming at me or her and expects me to return to look after them. My feeling is that I shouldn’t. If he can storm around the house drunk, he doesn’t need me nursing him.
Just wondering if others have experience of a parent-carer who is abusive to their spouse with dementia? And if others have handled both carer and the person diagnosed with alcohol dependency issues?
They’ve always been codependent and had had toxic traits - she has been and can still be, just as abusive towards him at times.
I’ve noticed she eats and works hard to take care of herself (with my support) when he’s not around, which he takes a sign she’s punishing him, although his method to help her eat is to say she’ll die a horrible death, so I don’t blame her.
She is still very lucid and remembers details of mine and others’ lives from week to week, but her short term memory for the more general day-to-day stuff is very poor. He doesn’t seem to understand that this is the last of the manageable times and that this will progress.
I’m at a loss as to how to support them when I feel unsafe in the house when they drink - particularly whilst in early pregnancy. They barely leave the house and refuse to take up offers to go out to lunch or to do things with friends unless I literally take them myself.
I don’t want to abandon them but this situation feels totally untenable. I’ve been trying to support my dad with coming to terms with mum’s diagnosis for two+ years and have helped him to access counselling, to join a local carers group (which he fobbed off) and to gently talk about extra support. I’ve gone through countless resources on dementia, the stages and the ways it impacts behaviour but he responds that it’s not the issue.
He’s in denial, yet will only accept help from me alone (not my Sister-in-Law who doesn’t work and lives locally for example). He refuses to discuss longer term plans for my mum for when things worsen and none of us have any idea about their finances etc.
I’m devastated that this is how they’re ending their lives together, particularly as my mum’s dementia is not yet so advanced.
If I was nearer I’d be able to support my mum more and feel terribly guilty, but it’s impossible to stay with them and support them like this.
Any advice on how to manage this?
