How to confidently deal with conflict

Welcome to The Confidently Deal With Conflict, Confrontation And Bullies programme.

Welcome to The Self-confidence Academy (part of Shepherd Creative Learning). Thank you for inviting us to be a part of you self-confidence journey.

Next time someone tries to make you feel bad say – “you know if you felt good about yourself you wouldn’t need to ‘diss’ me”. This will take the wind out of their sails, and make you feel 10 feet tall.

If you lack self-confidence dealing with conflict, confrontation and bullies can be a real struggle. If your issues are severe then I recommend you engage a professional counsellor. However, increasing your self-confidence will definitely help. You may never enjoy dealing with conflict, confrontation and bullies but you can develop the skills to deal with them confidently.

“What would you do if you were immune to others’ opinions? Have the confidence to know only your opinion really counts” (Liz Tucker – founder of Shepherd Creative Learning)

Liz

Your Instructor

Hello! I’m Liz Tucker.

You probably want to know how I can help you, but as we haven’t met I thought you might like to know a bit about me first.

I live in the heart of the Cotswolds. My home (a barn conversion) is a calm space for creative thinking, and a place where friends and clients can step off the treadmill for a while. I’m an experienced self-confidence coach, freelance trainer, author, facilitator, reflexologist, holistic therapist and Usui Reiki practitioner.

Looking back – I had a long, rewarding and varied corporate career. My career included key account management, running a customer service department for a blue-chip company, training, mentoring, and internal quality auditing. In 2003 opportunity knocked on my door in the form of voluntary redundancy. This provided the launchpad to start my own business.

2003 – the year Dynamic Customer Solutions Ltd was born. This boutique consultancy specialised in personal development and customer engagement (win/win for everyone). Since then I’ve worked with thousands of people, including personal clients, start-ups, solopreneurs, the British Army, Chartered Institute of Housing, WH Smith and many of the UK’s social housing providers.

Fast forward to 2012; it was time for a new and personal adventure. Dennis and I took very early retirement to embrace all that life had to offer. This idyllic phase ended abruptly at the end of 2012 with the unexpected loss of Dennis.

What followed was a deeply testing period that took me to the edge. At times I thought “I can’t do this anymore”, but I dug deep and survived this difficult period. This dreadful phase involved being forced out of the home Dennis and I shared, challenging the law, and winning against all the odds.

It wasn’t until my life fell apart following Dennis’ death that I realised the importance of self-confidence. Since then I’ve learnt a huge amount about self-confidence and human resilience. I’ve also discovered that major life changes create a stronger and updated version of our old self.

As a thank you for all the support I received during these dark days I’m paying it forward. I’m using my using my expertise to help others be their most confident and fulfilled self. I hope you will invite The Self-confidence Academy (and me personally) to help you on your self-confidence journey.

I’m on your side and I will do all I can to help turn your self-doubt into self-belief. I’m passionate about what I do. I’m also encouraging, enthusiastic, a great cheerleader and a little bonkers at times.

Are you ready to discover the difference greater self-confidence will make to your life? If so, let’s go…

Practical tips for dealing with conflict at work

Whenever you come into conflict with other people and feel as though you need to build your self confidence. They’re helpful for conflicts in the workplace and in your personal life.

Accept it – come to terms with the fact that conflict is normal in the workplace and at home so you’re bound to disagree with other people on occasions

Turn it round – Try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Seeing the conflict from their perspective may well make a difference.

Stay calm – don’t let your emotions cloud your judgement during an argument and try not to send out aggressive messages through your body language. Counting to 10 is a great way of calming yourself down.

Deal with it – Don’t procrastinate. Have the courage and self confidence to deal with the issue when the first appropriate opportunity presents itself.

Be positive – Try to see the positives that may come from it and always approach conflict at home and at work with a positive viewpoint.

Understand the real issue – make sure you’re dealing with the main issue, not a peripheral issue that just seems to wind you up.

Avoid gossip – be disciplined about what you say to others. Don’t bad mouth people or involve others in the conflict unnecessarily.

Change the subject – have the self confidence to change the subject if the argument is over a minor issue, just try changing the subject.

Focus on fact – try to separate the person from the problem if you’re arguing, focus on the issue so that you less likely to get emotional.

Get out – go out for a walk or do some physical exercise. It’s amazing how this can clear the mind and put things in perspective.

Give a compliment – if the situation lends itself, saying something nice about the person might well help you to get your way!

Listen – take account of the other person’s point of view and very importantly … Acknowledge that you’ve heard it. Maybe even repeat it back to them if you think it would help.

Be realistic – be honest and realistic and don’t promise things you can’t deliver.

Communicate! – try to deal confidently with conflict face to face. So don’t send emotionally charged emails or texts.

Get help – if you’re struggling to come to an agreement or you feel as though you’re lacking self confidence and things are getting out of hand, think about involving someone else objective who can see the problem from both sides.

Have you had crunchy interactions recently in the workplace? Do you feel like toes are being stepped on or there’s tension in communications? Well, I have a fun solution to infuse your workplace with love and positivity which leads to more fun and creative solutions. I’m speaking from experience on this one.

I had a rough time in two particular jobs and went straight into blame mode, pointing the finger at everyone else for my own unhappiness. Here is how I pulled myself out of it and was able to shift my relationships at work to build rapport and respect!

I’m also including some concepts that can help you reduce drama, gossip, and negativity, which are easy for people to fall into, especially in a workplace. It’s time to get out of victim mode and into the love frequency! The next time someone is gossiping or you feel attacked, say something so loving that it raises the vibration of the interaction so that negativity is no longer in your consciousness.

Positive energy is 10 times stronger than negative energy… here’s how to use this powerful energy to deal with workplace conflict.

Don’t Blame

If you dread your interactions with certain people, you don’t have to anymore. Your own ability to direct conversations and build positive energy is unlocking, right here, right now. We often project our discontent onto others and suddenly we have convinced ourselves they are the reason we feel blah.

Well, it’s just a perception we have allowed our mind to have. It’s time to redirect the mind to have a more loving intention so you are the person that brings the vibes up with your smiles, your loving words, and your helpful spirit.

Let’s dissect this a bit further: what we are getting at is creating an intention. It’s a secret weapon that will win the war, the war you thought was with others but is actually with yourself.

Stop Judging

If you’re seeing the negative traits of others, you’re not in a positive mind frame. Your intention is not high vibration and you’ll never be able to see the potential joy you can experience if you are picking people apart. This is an empowering viewpoint because it can affect not only our workplace conflict but our personal relationships as well.

Stop judging people and start being loving. The moment your blood starts to boil, the minute someone gets under your skin, the second you feel yourself resenting your job, set your intention to be the most positive, loving, and helpful version of yourself you can possibly be.

This is the start of shifting your reality at work. You’ll be in the same office, but you’ll experience different aspects of the people in that room. People sense your tenseness and they also sense your goodness, your smile, your sense of humor.

Start Helping

Before you go to work, set your intention. On your lunch break, set your intention. You can train your brain to infuse your day with love so that when someone starts to gossip, if someone comes in with a frown, or when a challenge presents itself, you’re equipped with a positive attitude and the intention to be helpful instead of hurtful.

Successful leaders know that allowing themselves to fester in their negative energy breeds a negative work environment. When we use our ability to redirect our mind and have the intention to be helpful and super loving, we inspire people. We help them see another reality is possible.

Concluding Thoughts…

If you remember one thing from the article, remember this be this: stop judging and start helping.

You can transform your conflict and make it an opportunity to bring more positivity and good intentions into your work and professional relationships. It’s actually very simple. When we have that direction in our minds, our hearts will open and we will have compassion for others. Our words and actions will follow suit.

Your work can be a magical place where you experience deeply genuine soul connections with people, regardless of their quirks and beliefs. I switched from blame mode, which created uncomfortable conflicts at work, to empowerment and positivity.

I started practicing yoga and exercising. This brought my vibe up enough to shift my intention. I started feeling positive from the inside out and it spewed out, infecting the rest of the people at my work. Instead of sucking energy from people, I was providing it.

I was in control of my energy by deciding to be a force of love and positivity. It was a monumental, a colossal shift that allowed me to see that I don’t have to dread work or hide from people when I can be my own source of joyful exuberance, looking to uplift others and make their days memorable, easy, and fun!

Found this article inspiring? Share it!

Shannon Yrizarry

Trusting her intuition has brought Shannon a wealth of gifts and she brings this wisdom to Daily Life … daily! Instead of following the “norms” of career development, Shannon followed her gut. It’s led her to some extraordinary places and experiences as a healer, clairvoyant, metaphysical teacher and Kundalini yoga instructor. Read More

Confidence in Resolving Conflict
Having confidence to resolve conflicts is an important part of the process. There are myriad reasons why you might lack confidence when faced with a conflict: fear, discomfort, previous negative encounters, lack of skill, knowledge, or experience, etc. Let’s look at these issues and how they affect your ability to effectively manage conflict.

Recognize the signs of low self-confidence.
When you’re not confident about dealing with conflict, you tend to doubt your abilities, second-guess yourself, and be hesitant about trusting your own judgment. You also might be pessimistic about a successful outcome which, in turn, gives you an excuse for not engaging in the first place. Be aware of when these kinds of negative thoughts arise because they often can become a downward spiral, reinforcing your initial belief that you can’t do it. Replace “I can’t do this,” with “This may be difficult, but I will try to do it.”

Don’t let fear lead to avoidance.
You may be like many people who dislike conflict because you’re afraid of it. Perhaps your experiences with conflict in the past have not ended well, and so your tendency is to shy away, not engage the other person, or just plain avoid any kind of conversation or confrontation. Most experts agree that avoiding conflict is one of the worst responses you can have because the possibility of resolution is completely cut off from the start, and, more often than not, the conflict will only get worse, not better. One strategy to try is to start small and “work your way up” to a conflict with wider implications. In other words, force yourself to initiate discussion about something small just to get practice for other, more significant conflicts that might be on the horizon. “Practicing” in this way not only gets you out of your old pattern of avoiding, but it also builds confidence for the future as you begin to experience the positive results of working through a problem more collaboratively.

Prepare in advance.
So much of how a conflict is handled determines the outcome. When do you choose to talk? Where is the discussion held? What words do you use to convey your message? What tone do you use? All of these are issues to think about ahead of time so that the conditions surrounding the conversation are conducive for a beneficial result. Actually practice what you’re going to say either by yourself or, even better, role play the conversation with a trusted friend, coach, or colleague. Then when you’re in the real conversation, you’re calmer, more relaxed, and better prepared to respond to any number of reactions from the other person. Again, feeling prepared and in control leads to confidence.

Think through the consequences of not having the conversation.
Although it sometimes seems easier to avoid conflicts, there are all kinds of negative ramifications of not addressing the issue. If you really analyze these drawbacks, you’ll probably be persuaded to take a different approach. With non-action, the situation remains stagnant and nothing improves; even worse, it could steadily decline and become even more damaging over time. Another disadvantage to not addressing the problem head-on is that you can become an easy target for people who are more aggressive or manipulative. On the Conflict Dynamics Profile®, “Yielding” is considered a Destructive scale because, as with “Avoiding,” it is a response that fails to engage others directly in an effort to resolve conflict.

Keep emotions in check.
A lack of confidence in conflicts often generates strong feelings because your sense of security or need for respect or intimacy is threatened. Your tendency might be to react very strongly or simply shut down. It’s important to be in touch with your emotions and be able to notice when you’re getting heated. Be careful of the words you use, try to get all the facts, and be respectful at all times. Remember that dealing with emotions in a healthy way can lead to greater understanding and trust.

Develop skills in the conflict arena.
Nothing improves confidence like additional training. Whether it’s reading a book on communications and practicing on your own or participating in a more formal training program, the more you learn, the more confident you’re going to feel. “Stretch” yourself by setting goals that are challenging, but achievable. Seek feedback on an ongoing basis so that you can continue to grow in your proficiency and self-awareness.

Celebrate your successes.
Though painful at times, the little steps you take in addressing conflicts provide a real opportunity for growth. You will see that facing disagreements can strengthen, not damage, personal and professional relationships. Recognizing the small achievements along the way helps motivate you to behave similarly the next time.

A disagreement or argument can cause all of our effective communication skills to go out the window. When we let emotions get the best of us, we tend to act from a place that can be hurtful to ourselves and others. Reactions are more intense and hurtful to us and them. When we lose control, it keeps us from feeling confident, our emotions tend to override any logical thinking or problem solving skills. Reacting from a place of hurt, anger, or sadness can keep us from being effective communicators and often makes the problem or disagreement worse (Control Your Emotions So Your Abusive Partner Can’t).

Out-of-Control Arguments Can Damage Relationships

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about. Jen and Alex are roommates and began arguing over a text. Jen was annoyed that Alex hadn’t paid the bills on time like she said she would. Alex began to become defensive and argumentative, as did Jen. The fight was out-of-control by the time they were face-to-face later in the day. Many hurtful words were said by both parties, in hopes of defending their perspective.

At risk of potentially saying or doing damaging things to hurt their relationship for good, I would suggest both girls use the PAUSE skill. The PAUSE skill is exactly as it sounds, taking a break from the situation to cool off and collect your thoughts. Decreasing your emotional reactions and increasing your confidence to communicate effectively.

Step Away to Gain Self-Control with PAUSE

Think about a time when you pushed or avoided in a conflict with another person. Did it help when you acted from an emotional or logical place?

PAUSE is an easy way to be skillful and maintain control over your emotions in the heat of the moment.

Put the phone down or politely step away for a moment. Excuse yourself from the situation before acting without control.

Activate your other senses. Distract momentarily to avoid building up your anger or avoidance. Focus on your breathing, on a texture, call a trusted friend, avoid the overwhelm temporarily.

Urge surf. If you feel urges to act or respond, notice them an move on. Like a wave, the urge will not last forever. If another comes up, accept it and feel it, then move on. Try not to fight it.

Step into their shoes for a second and see what their view could be. Take note of anything you could have done to perpetuate the problem or make it worse.

Express yourself effectively. Before going back into the disagreement or trying to make amends, make sure you are acting reasonably. Write down what you want to say and the possible outcomes of doing so. If needed, enlist a family member or close friend to hear you out.

Make sure to take ownership if you had a part in the problem. Remember there are three sides to every story, yours, theirs, and the truth, which is what happened without judgment. When we are emotionally overwhelmed, it can be difficult to see things from another person’s perspective. If you can apologize for your part, it will help diffuse some of the tension. Even if they don’t do the same, you can step back from the situation and know you tried your best to solve the problem and handle the conflict.

For Effective Problem Solving Avoid:

Pushing it under the rug. Telling the person you are disagreeing with that it doesn’t matter, or you are over it, is invalidating to both you and them. If you care about the relationship, then you will push beyond your comfort zone to work it out.

Bringing up past disagreements or things they did wrong. It’s not the problem of the moment and only distracts from the issues in the moment. Try and stay on task. Even if they bring up something that you did in the past, acknowledge it and let them know right now you want to talk about what just happened.

Sarcasm. It makes others feel disrespected, not to mention they appear insecure and defensive. Sarcasm tells others you can’t tolerate them or the conversation. While you may feel it diffuses uncomfortable feelings, in reality it makes others frustrated, often wanting to avoid future interactions.

APA Reference
Roberts, E. (2013, May 22). How To Be Confident in Any Conflict, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2020, December 13 from

Author: Emily Roberts MA, LPC

Emily is a psychotherapist, she is intensively trained in DBT, she the author of Express Yourself: A Teen Girls Guide to Speaking Up and Being Who You Are. You can visit Emily’s Guidance Girl website. You can also find her on Facebook, Google+ and Twitter.

Conflict avoidance is when a person does not deal with the conflict at hand. Instead, they use other tactics to avoid the issue.

Conflict avoidance can manifest in many situations, whether it be personal relationships or in the workplace. People tend to use it in order to suppress an unpleasant encounter.

There are many ways of doing this, including ignoring the conflict, changing the subject, shutting down or even pretending it isn’t happening.

Conflict avoidance can be classified into three different types:

Those who ignore the problem

Probably the most common methods of avoiding conflict is to simply ignore the problem. This way, you don’t have to deal with any of the outcomes. For example, a husband who suspects his wife is cheating on him might choose to ignore it, as if it came to light there’s a danger his wife might leave him.

Those who change the subject

Diverting attention away from the conflict is another method of conflict avoidance. It usually happens when one person does not want to face the conflict and chooses to focus on another problem instead.

Those who shut down

You know those people that seem to shut down when you try to engage with them? It’s even more irritating when the conflict needs to be resolved in a speedy fashion. The problem with shutting down is that it can make the situations worse.

There are some situations where it is best to use conflict avoidance. But at the end of the day, it is usually better to try and overcome it and deal with the conflict at hand.

Why is it important to deal with conflict avoidance

Emotional health

If we constantly avoid conflict, then we are essentially suppressing our emotions. There have been lots of research to suggest that this is not healthy.

By pushing down our feelings of constantly avoiding conflict, it is more than likely that they will surface elsewhere as anxiety or anger and when you least expect it. Tensions can rise and bubble over in other areas of your life when it is not appropriate for them to come out. And if you keep avoiding conflict, this is going to happen more regularly than not.

Avoidance can create fear

Constantly avoiding conflict teaches the brain, in a negative way, that this is what is keeping us safe from unpleasant feelings. The problem is that by avoiding the conflict, we are only putting off what we need to do.

By avoiding it, the feelings of relief we get are negatively reinforcing our avoidance. But although this feels good at the time, because we don’t have to deal with the problem, in the long run, it increases our fears as we’re not dealing with it.

The best way to deal with conflict is to face it and face the problem. Then we are not storing up fearful emotions and trauma for the future.

Missed opportunities

Avoiding conflict means we are usually missing opportunities, not just for personal growth but in life too. If we become fearful of dealing with issues, we are stunting our personal growth.

Dealing with conflict is a chance for change and growth and stops us stagnating. We can also miss opportunities as our fears of conflict can become irrational and cause phobias. This can be restrictive in our everyday lives and stop us from living a fulfilling life.

How to deal with conflict avoidance

There are situations in which the avoidance conflict style can work well. For instance, if you don’t have the time to devote to the problem, by calming the situation down or by allowing yourself time to properly deal with the matter.

However, conflict, as a rule, should not be avoided or ignored. It is a chance to resolve disagreements and come to some sort of resolution. Leaving conflicts unresolved can lead to frustration and pent-up emotions. It also means that you are essentially trapped in that situation and cannot move on.

The key is to know when to avoid conflict and when to confront it. Understanding why you avoid conflict is also important as it can give you valuable insights into your own character. Do you lack self-confidence or have low self-esteem? Are you worried about the emotions it will release or are you afraid of hurting other people’s feelings?

Dealing with conflict on a regular basis will only make you more confident and able to deal with future issues.

Being a great job candidate involves more than possessing qualifications and experience. Work often involves interacting with many stakeholders of differing opinions, so hiring managers often aim to know how you may approach conflict in the workplace. It is common for interviewers to ask questions that address your interpersonal skills and how your emotional intelligence might guide you in times of conflict. Your response will provide insight into your personality and will also indicate how likely you are to function well within a team.

In this article, we list common interview questions and answers about conflict and provide some points to remember when answering these questions in an interview.

How do you deal with conflict?

To answer this question successfully, assure your interviewer that you are a good listener who can accept opposing views without getting upset. You could also mention how conflict resolution should take place in a private space. Aim to provide an example if possible.

Example: “I actively readjust my attitude during a conflict situation. This means that I strive to listen to the other person’s point of view without becoming defensive. I also attempt to move the confrontation to a private space to avoid further complications.”

Can you recall a time of conflict with a coworker?

Behavioral questions require you to describe how you acted in a real-life situation. Prospective employers ask this type of question to learn more about your personality. Past behavior often indicates how you would react in comparable future situations, so be sure to provide an example you are proud of or to explain the lessons you took away from the experience. It is important to emphasize the resolution that took place, as opposed to dwelling on the conflict itself.

The STAR approach may prove helpful when answering this type of question. This acronym stands for:

• Situation: Briefly explain the issue you were dealing with in a positive, constructive way.
• Task: Describe your role in the situation.
• Action: Discuss what you did to resolve or address the situation.
• Result: Emphasize what you learned and how your actions had a positive outcome.

Example: “I was working as a project manager on an IT project, and one technician was constantly late finishing tasks. When I approached him about it, he reacted defensively. I kept calm and acknowledged that the deadlines were challenging and asked how I could assist him in improving his performance. He calmed down and told me that he was involved in another project where he had to do tasks that were not in his job description. After a meeting with the other project manager, we came to a resolution that alleviated the technician’s workload. For the remainder of the project, the technician delivered great work.”

Tell me about a time you disagreed with your boss.

Although interviewers often like to hear that prospective employees are honest and have strong opinions, they nevertheless want new team members who respond well to authority.

It is advisable to remember the following when answering this question: First, avoid saying anything derogatory about a former manager, as your interviewer will likely interpret this as unprofessional behavior. Second, ensure that your answer demonstrates that you respect authority and are able to follow directions.

Example: “In some instances, I have felt it necessary to voice my opinion when I disagreed with a boss, and it has actually proven to be constructive. For instance, a previous manager’s unfriendly behavior had a negative influence on my work, and I started losing motivation and job satisfaction. Eventually I asked for a meeting and told him, in a calm and polite way, how I felt. To my surprise, he told me he was having difficulty in his personal life and was not coping well. After that, he made an effort to be less critical, and I was more understanding.”

How do you approach diversity in coworkers?

It is vital to celebrate diversity in the workplace. Most companies today feature a multi-cultural workforce that consists of people with different religions, political affiliations and beliefs, so an employee who accepts and aims to learn about differences in background is far more likely to make a great team member.

Example: “I love to inform myself about different cultures, opinions and perspectives. I deeply appreciate the beauty diversity brings to the world, and I am always seeking to learn more about how to inform myself about and support other communities.”

Methods for dealing with conflict situations

Employers are increasingly prioritizing applicants with emotional intelligence because employees with strong soft skills and interpersonal ability are more likely to work well as part of a team. It is advisable to remember the following emotionally intelligent habits when answering conflict interview questions:

Fostering relationships with colleagues

A “relationship” in this context does not necessarily mean friendship or closeness, but rather points to a mutual understanding in which members of a team agree upon roles and boundaries in the workplace. If you want to establish a professional relationship with a coworker, it can be beneficial to do so in a systematic way. You could call a meeting and discuss the following:

What role each person has and what their respective responsibilities are

Possible conflicts that may have taken place in the past, and how to best deal with issues going forward

Rules with regard to meetings and email etiquette

Communication is key

Many conflicts take place due to a lack of communication and understanding. For this reason, it is usually better to voice a difference in opinion immediately and in a civilized way, rather than allowing underlying resentment and anger to result in conflict.

Learn to listen to coworkers

There is a difference between hearing what coworkers are saying and employing focused listening. The latter involves listening with intent, as well as interpreting non-verbal clues such as body language. If you learn to listen to people more closely, you will respond in a more understanding way. Coworkers are also likely to notice that you’re more receptive, which might change the way they listen to you in return. In such a working environment, it is more likely that conflict will either not arise or that it will be settled in a calm way.

Act and react objectively in the workplace

Although it is common for individuals to act in an emotional and subjective way, you should always strive to be as objective as possible in the workplace. Attempt to focus on a coworker’s behavior, as opposed to concentrating on aspects of their personality.

Identify recurring conflict situations

If the same conflict repeatedly arises in the workplace, take steps to resolve the matter in an effective way. The best way to deal with such a situation is to identify the exact point of contention and calmly discuss possible resolutions.

September 23, 2012 2 Comments

On October 30-31 in Indianapolis, IN we will be offering a workshop open to the public titled, Conflict Confidence (details and registration here).

Today I am interviewing Guy Harris, designer and facilitator of this workshop, my co-author on From Bud to Boss, and a Master Trainer at the Kevin Eikenberry Group.

Kevin: The title of the workshop is Conflict Confidence. Why the focus on confidence rather than strictly on resolution?

Guy: You know, Kevin, early in my professional development, I began to read articles, papers, blog posts and books about and I attended workshops on leadership, communication skills, and conflict resolution. I have practiced the skills I learned in that process, and I have discussed what I learned with literally hundreds of people to get different perspectives and viewpoints. And from all of that, I have learned a great deal about conflict resolution. I have learned lots of tips, tricks, techniques, and strategies for dealing with conflict more successfully, and I learned that the biggest barrier to successfully resolving conflict was having the confidence to confront difficult situations and to speak assertively in uncomfortable situations.

Initially, building my skills helped me to develop my confidence to a certain degree, and I was still pretty nervous about conflict situations. As I have worked on developing conflict resolution skills, I have also looked at my experiences in many situations. From this reflection process, I realized that the biggest barrier, for me, to successfully resolve conflicts has been more connected to my mindset than to my skill set. While I have seen that skill set is important – you really do need to develop some high-level communication skills to resolve conflicts well – I have found that how you think about conflict affects your ability to resolve it as much – if not more than – your technical skills of communicating during the conflict. So, I focus on conflict confidence so that people develop both their ability to interact successfully from a technical standpoint and to develop the mindset and confidence that helps them to initiate the actions they have learned when the situation gets difficult.

Kevin: Mindset and skill set – a very powerful combination! Well said! Do you think that everyone needs to develop confidence in their ability to successfully resolve conflicts?

Guy: Yes, I think so. I think that different people will have different challenges to overcome as they work to develop conflict confidence, and I believe that everyone can develop it. And I think this because the confidence comes from knowing that you have the skills to communicate in a difficult situation, and you have the ability to diagnose the situation accurately as you choose the best strategy for the situation. Since both of these things can be learned, I think that everyone can learn them.

Kevin: And that is exactly why we built this workshop! What are some of the different challenges people might face in developing conflict confidence?

Guy: Well, the most obvious is the challenge that a relatively quiet person who really values relationships might face. For people with this perspective, addressing conflict can feel like a fight, and they don’t generally like to fight. So, the words “confrontation” and “assertiveness” can sound to them like “anger” and “aggression.” For them, the confidence struggle they often face is in their own ability to confront a situation without hurting people. As a result, they will have to overcome this feeling in order to develop true confidence in their ability to engage in a conflict conversation without destroying the relationship.

And people who have a very bottom-line, just-the-facts type of perspective can face a different challenge. People who have this perspective are often very comfortable with confrontation and speaking directly, and they can feel challenged when they need to stop to listen to the other person. Slowing down, listening, and considering the relationship impact of a communication can feel like “losing” to them. This feeling of “losing” is often related to a sense that the conflict resolution process will slow down their accomplishment of results. So, the confidence struggle they face is usually confidence with the process rather than confidence with themselves. As a result, they often need to overcome this feeling of losing to develop confidence that the conflict resolution process will get results.

Kevin: So, let’s assume that people develop confidence in their ability to address conflicts. Does that mean that that every conflict can and should be resolved?

Guy: Actually, no, I don’t think so. There are times when the emotional – and sometimes financial – costs of resolution actually outweigh the benefits of resolution. And, there are times when one of the parties simply will not cooperate with the process no matter how well you execute the strategies of conflict resolution. In either of these cases – extremely high cost or a totally unwilling participant – the conflict will not likely be resolved.

That being said, I think many people give up on the process far too soon. I see many people throw up their hands and give up at the first sign of significant difficulty or resistance from the other person. Part of developing conflict confidence comes from building confidence in the tools and the process to ultimately lead to a successful resolution and a willingness to engage in the process long enough to let it work. While I accept that some conflicts will not be resolved, I suggest stepping into rather than away from and thinking openly rather than judgmentally about conflict situations so that we can build stronger, more productive organizations where conflicts become constructive parts of team growth rather than destructive elements that drive us apart.

Kevin: Thanks Guy for some great insights and food for thought. If these ideas resonate with you and your organization, we’d love to have you join us in Indy Oct 30-31. (learn more here). Or if you are interested in bringing the workshop in-house or having us customize some highly effective training for you, contact Barb (317-387-1424 x4) and she can help facilitate that as well.

Handle conflict and disagreement with confidence and self-control

Conflict is inevitable. It is a fact of life and most people are afraid of it. But you don’t have to be. Conflicts grow out of disagreement, or simply difference. This course will give you all you need to prevent or manage conflict, whether it involves you directly, or other people.

“I really enjoyed this course. I now have a much better and more confident understanding of how to manage conflicts than I did when I began the course. Highly recommended for anyone needing to know how to handle/manage conflict.” (former student Matt C.)

In personal relationships conflict does damage which is sometimes irreparable. It can turn simple disagreement into hurt and acrimony. Taken to the extreme, while conflict doesn’t cause telationship breakdown, it forces painful and destructive escalation which makes reasoned discussion impossible.

Conflict is also immensely costly to organisations, damaging to relationships and disastrous for productivity. It might be an argument between a line manager and a member of their team, a personality clash between colleagues or even a power dispute between different departments. Wherever it arises, conflict is a major cause of stress in the workplace and it can lead to long-standing grievances, factionalism and absenteeism.

Relationships are damaged

Personal and relationships can be seriously damaged for the want of the ideas and techniques covered by this course. It’s not so much “Do I need this course?” as, “Why wouldn’t I want the benefits of handling myself more calmly and confidently?”

Confident conflict resolution skills will set you apart. Being able to handle conflict effectively, whatever the situation, is an ability that will help you to build strong, constructive working relationships and improve the overall performance of your team, group or department.

Learn the tactics

This course features easily learned tactics, clearly explained by Barry Winbolt, a trainer and mediator, based on his 30 years’ experience of tackling workplace conflict in different settings and cultures, and of successfully training others to do the same.

In a series of engaging videos, he explains the pitfalls that cause conflict and the patterns that lead to escalation. He shows you how to avoid those frustrating cycles of argument and resistance. He then provides a comprehensive toolkit for creating positive outcomes through conversations that build trust rather than dividing people. He explains why early intervention is best, how to deftly handle disputes before they get out of control, and turn them into constructive conversations.

What to expect

By the end of this course, you’ll have a better understanding of conflict, which will reduce any uncertainty you may have in tackling it. It will place you ahead of the pack; positive conflict management skills are a key component of leadership.

This comprehensive course includes role-plays to demonstrate the main techniques. The 22 video lectures will give a better understanding of:

• Patterns of conflict and how it escalates
• A framework for handling conflict and disputes with confidence
• How to handle your own reactions so you stay in control
• How to stop a disagreement escalating into a dispute
• When and how to intervene in a dispute between others
• The key communication steps you need to resolve a conflict
• How to avoid confrontation and deadlock
• How to move from confrontation to constructive conversations.

Conflicts among team members will occur from time to time, and team members may struggle to positively resolve conflicts that arise. Finding out with your team members how best to deal with conflict situations begins when you recognize positive team behavior and negative team behavior.

Staying off the destructive track

Various kinds of behavior make conflicts worse. Here are some examples:

• Finger-pointing. Finding fault or blaming someone else does nothing to solve the problem is great for building unhealthy tension in a team.

• My way, or the highway. When you push and push for your point of view and show little interest in considering someone else’s, you only increase the volume of debate, which drowns out any prospects of settling debate.

• Insults galore. Name-calling and other personal insults are not invitations for resolving a conflict.

• Verbal threats and ultimatums. These sound like, “I’m going to get you,” or “This way or else!” Such outbursts intimidate some people, turn off others, and they’re not exactly the best way to promote good teamwork.

• Defensiveness. Justifying your action instead of listening to what someone else is trying to tell you builds a wall between you and the other party, making agreements nearly impossible to achieve.

• Avoidance. Running away from the problem and hoping that it goes away — avoidance at its best — seldom resolves an issue.

• Beating around the bush. Attempting to address the concern at hand but then rambling and talking around the point simply clouds the issue so much that it’s left unaddressed.

• Telling others and not the source. Complaining to others about what someone else has done and not talking directly to that person is a great way of stirring divisiveness on a team. Many people place this behavior at the top of the destructive-behavior list.

• Flaming e-mails. This means blaming and complaining electronically about the source of your concern and not talking directly to that person. Sometimes the perpetrator makes this unacceptable behavior even worse by copying others with the disruptive e-mail.

• Focusing on perceived intentions. Making assumptions about another person — and, of course, assuming the worst — is not a great frame of mind for dealing with team members about your concerns.

Running on the constructive track

Because disagreements and differences are inevitable with teams, your best strategy is encouraging team members to learn behaviors that help them work through conflicts and maintain respectful working relationships in the process. If you want to realize the benefits that can come out of conflicts (creativity, richer solutions, stronger teamwork), put these constructive behaviors into practice:

• Stay in control. Being in control of your own emotions is where you begin when you’re working out a concern with another person. Venting your frustration, spewing your anger, or throwing sarcastic barbs only shows that you’re out of control and prevents you from inviting the cooperation of others.

• Be direct, factual, and sincere. You have to express your concern or problem clearly and constructively so that others understand where you’re coming from. Getting to the point, stating the facts as you know them, and speaking with candor and respect are the best ways of getting to a point constructively and increasing the likelihood that you’ll be heard the way you want to be heard.

• Go to the source. A conflict is best resolved by addressing it face-to-face with the other party. Telling a third party or communicating by e-mail cannot replace the person-to-person conversation that’s required for conflict resolution to work. Despite the discomfort you may feel with this direct method, a good old-fashioned talk still is the tried-and-true method for resolving conflicts.

• Get into problem solving. So you have a conflict with another team member. Big deal! And you’ve worked out a solution with the other team member? Oh, now, that is the big deal. The whole idea is not the fact a difference or disagreement exists between two or more people, but rather that actions are taken to hammer out a solution. When you’re able to work out solutions with other team members, now that’s the big deal that teams need to have for resolving conflicts.

• Actively listen. Active listening is all about showing that you care and working to understand what someone else is saying and what that person truly means. Understanding that efforts to actively listen are greatly needed during conflict situations isn’t difficult. Those efforts are greatly needed so that the parties can work out their concerns.

• Assume that the other person means well. This assumption is the safest that you can make when you’re working with someone else, especially when you’re dealing with a conflict. When you assume that the other person means well, you don’t have to worry that someone’s out to get you. You’re free to deal with the actions and issues at hand. What a relief!