How to deal with toxic parents

Toxic families, where the dynamic between parents and children involves significantly more damage than it does support or love, are more common than they seem. Mothers and daughters are often pointed to as a family relationship with toxic potential, but parents and children of any gender can have relationships marked by issues around guilt, shame, manipulation, or emotional regulation. Diagnosing the problem, though, is one thing — figuring out strategies and methods of dealing with toxic parents, experts say, is another thing entirely.

“Healthy families are not always ideal or perfect,” wrote the authors of one 2017 study on dysfunctional family relationships. “They may infrequently possess some of the characteristics of a dysfunctional family; but not all the time.” The study, published in Journal of Family Medicine and Disease Prevention, also notes that toxic families are ones where there may be emotional abuse, or where love was given conditionally, or where boundaries are not respected.

The variability of a toxic family relationship means there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with them. However, experts say there are tips and tricks that can be adapted to meet each particular toxic family’s needs. Therapy, support, research, and scripts to help deal with specific situations can all be helpful, if deployed in the right way.

Here are the best ways to deal with a toxic family member.

1. Go To Therapy

It can be tempting to ask a toxic parent to seek out therapy, but therapist Heidi McBain, L.M.F.T., tells Bustle that they’re unlikely to go. “They feel like everybody around them is to blame,” she says. Instead, she recommends therapy for anybody who is dealing with a toxic parent themselves, to help them cope with the fallout and learn about strategies to deal with their particular brand of behavior. If therapy is expensive, there are many options to find more affordable professionals for mental health, including online programs like Talkspace and Open Path. It’s important to find a therapist that understands family issues and won’t just recommend that clients have a relationship with their parents regardless of their needs.

2. Discover & Enforce Boundaries

Boundaries, McBain says, are often not the most comfortable thing for toxic parents, and they may spend a lot of time crossing them. Learning how to build and cement firm boundaries around behavior can be difficult if it’s never been done before, but it’s an important step for preserving emotional and mental health in a toxic family environment. Start small; “I can’t talk on the phone while I’m at work, Mom,” can set the stage for bigger ones, like “I will be spending the holidays with my partner’s family this year.” Actually enforcing these boundaries — setting your parent’s calls to do not disturb while you’re at work, informing your parent early in the year about your holiday plans — can help develop expectations for how you will enforce your limits.

3. Find Space For Emotions

In toxic families, McBain tells Bustle, the emotions of everybody aside from the toxic family member may be ignored or sidelined. This means that there isn’t space for those emotions to be expressed or met with any kind of support. It can be hard to carve out space as an adult to feel these things when they’ve been repressed or discounted for a long time. Journaling about your feelings can be a way to start giving yourself that space; spending time asserting these feelings in other supportive spaces, like at brunch with your friends, is another. A therapist can help explore ways to express emotional needs and have them met in other ways.

4. Find Outside Loving Support

McBain advises therapy as a first line of defense against toxic parents, but another system of support is also necessary. Dealing with toxic parents in any capacity — even if it’s maintaining an everyday routine — is draining. Support communities, understanding friends, family members who understand that the dynamic is difficult, and partners who are in the loop can all be excellent helpmeets.

5. Read About It

Knowledge, they say, is power. Psychological articles about toxic families and dysfunction and books like Will I Ever Be Good Enough?, Healing The Child Within, and the more recent Difficult Mothers can be helpful in terms of how you understand your family’s dynamic in a psychological context. Books like Nancy Friday’s My Mother, Myself have been recommended as helpful for general dysfunction involving mothers and daughters, with the caveat that it is slightly dated.

6. Get Backup For Family Occasions

Family events like weddings or reunions — or even just Sunday dinner — can be places for toxicity to flourish, since you’re all crowded in a room together. Making sure you have backup can help you manage the emotions that might come up. Backup can be physical — literally having another person such as a best friend or partner present — or it can be less tangible. Mental health professionals often recommend having a script for difficult occasions, where you memorize and rehearse your responses before handling a triggering or upsetting situation. Captain Awkward has a popular set of scripts for dealing with toxic parents that can be adapted to many situations.

7. Figure Out What You Want From The Relationship

McBain says that hoping that a toxic parent can change may be counterproductive, and that adult children may need to lower their expectations. There can be a large gap between what is really needed in a child-parent relationship and what a toxic parent can realistically do. A therapist may be able to guide adult children towards a more realistic recognition of their parents’ capacities and failings, and what they can and cannot produce.

The term “toxic parents” was coined to describe parents whose negative behavior inflicts emotional damage to their children. The behavior of the parents may be characterized as selfishness, manipulation, insult, insecurity and threat. They spend all their life emotionally destroying their children, they are great manipulators and usually use the feel of guilt to get what they want. They know what buttons to push.

There are many reasons why parents become toxic to their children. Their behavior is usually influenced by the way their own parents treated them. Now your parents may follow the same pattern as they’ve seen during their childhood, and think that it’s the way children should be treated.

How can you change the situation and start live the healthy life with your parents? Unfortunately, you can’t change people, but you are able to change your own world and make the relations with your parents, let’s say, less dangerous for you and your self-esteem.

Step 1: accept your parents the way they are. You want your parents to love and support you, but instead of it you feel like you irritate them. Don’t think that it’s all your fault and you’re a bad daughter or son. It’s only the fault of your parents and they don’t see how they influence on you. And it’s not your job to change your parents into what you’d like them to be. Accepting your toxic parents right now will help you move towards the healing.

Step 2: create a journal. Write down the situations when your parents mistreat you into a special journal. Also include your emotions and the way you cope with them. Think bout the source of the conflict and how you could prevent it in the future. It will help you understand the way you should behave with your parents in order to avoid undesirable situations or cope with them the next time, if they repeat. The more you write down, the more you understand how to handle situations without being upset.

Step 3: reach other family members or friends. It’s good to have someone on your side and understand that you’re loved. Talk to other family members about your parent or parents and ask them if they’ve noticed some signs of toxic relations. You might be very surprised with the answers. Spend more time with your family members, especially if you’re not very close to each other.

If you don’t have anyone from your family to contact, then talk to your friends. Asking third parties for advice is also great, you never know where the help might come from. If you’re a student, then feel free to seek advice from a guidance counselor. Counseling services are available at many college campuses and they are offered at a discount rate and even for free for the students. During the counseling sessions be honest to tell what’s your problem, and don’t be afraid to express your emotions and ask the counselor for help.

Step 4: distance yourself. The best thing you can do is to distance yourself from your toxic parents. Limit the time for conversations or visits. Don’t answer all of their calls, leave some of them for answering machine. Whenever you have to deal with a complicated situation involving your parent and you, and you see it’s getting sour, then walk away. There is no need to add fuel to the fire.

Step 5: find new activities. Spend more time in healthy and fun activities, that will help you learn new skills and find peace in your life. Practice yoga, Pilates, dance and pick up new books to read. Spend more time with good and interesting people and try to establish relations with them. You will find support in them and it will decrease the harm your parents do to you.

Toxic parents are a big problem in today’s world. They use destructive criticism and can even put a pressure on you to stay in your abusive relationship. What can you do then?

How To Deal With Toxic Parents

However, there will be always people who are not happy if you succeed, just because they are jealous but don’t do anything to achieve their goals. This kind of people will do their best to kill your dreams. Unfortunately, there are many among them, who seem to be friends or who are living with you for many years.

1. Recall Him Or Her

This may be a person who has never liked your ideas., someone who has never appreciated your achievements, who has criticized all your initiatives, announcing catastrophic future for them. How much time have you spent with him or her? To what extent have they influenced your decisions, choices? How did you feel, following their advice? Does it still have an impact on your life?

2. Challenge Unhappy People

They may be your parents. Remember this truth: if other people are not happy, there is a challenge for them to accept your happiness.

On the other hand, their criticism is useless as they are not authorities in the field of “happiness”. Now take the happiness journal and write down all the negative opinions about your dreams from the past. It might be said by any person, also your abusive partner.

List the Statements

They may be any statements coming from your parents’ mouth. Watch the negative ones. When you have at least ten of them, ask yourself a question:

“Was the author of the statement entitled to criticize me in this case? How much did he or she achieve in this field so far?”. One by one, evaluate each author, assessing their present situation, life achievements and the fields they are skilled.

4. Check the Answers

If you discover that most of these opinions of your toxic parents are not based on reality, the authors are not authorities at all (i.e. they are not experts and have not achieved remarkable success in the field on which they comment- cross the statements out. Now it is time to form alternatives.

Find an Expert

Your parents may not be the authorities in a given field. For example, your mother criticises your style of clothes, but herself only knows the style of her grandmother’s, she has never been to the most famous designers’ shows while you have some knowledge in this field.

Therefore, search for someone who is an expert in the field you have been criticised and ask him or her for advice.

Find also the leaders, the people who could achieve a lot in the fields you have set your goals. Learn from them, and if you can, connect with them, at least online.

How to deal with toxic parents?

One day one of my friends told me one of her major problems. It is about having a toxic father.

“I struggle with the feeling which is connected to the boundary between me and my father. Yes, I know he is the person who gave me my birth but he does wrong and unpleasant things which hurt me and I can’t help seen myself vandalizing the connection between father and daughter. I haven’t been blessed enough to have a father whom a loving daughter really deserves.”

She wants a father and to love him. But father’s whose she has nature doesn’t give space to that. She hurts him but simultaneously she wants to be connected to her father emotionally and physically. Well, that’s really challenging.

The solution belongs to the core of our heart and who we are, a person’s identity. One person’s identity is not decided on his or her personality. Who we are is actually decided by whose we are. We must get a clear idea about our parents before we find out ourselves. So in this article “how to deal with toxic parents “is discussed.

Who are toxic parents?

Toxic parents can affect so badly on their own children’s lives and make those lives miserable. They behave critically, manipulatively and notoriously. Children whose parents are toxic have the feeling that their own lives are uncontrollable. Those kinds of children have the problem of making their own decisions. They think or have to plan their own lives according to how they have been demanded by parents.

Normally understanding parents listen to their children with interest. Children can set their own life goals, plan their future and live a satisficing life not intercede but helped. But with toxic parents, this is completely different. The children may find themselves questioning their decisions, never feeling good enough and downing with guilty conscious when they say no to their parents.

Tring to overreact, using emotional blackmail, disgracing children’s ideas and choices, blaming, criticizing even the little mistakes done by children, blaming, not respecting, comparing with others are some of the features that can be seen among parents who are said to be toxic.

Toxic parents can destroy their children’s lives and cause significant psychological damages. Often these parents have an issue, mental disorders, immaturity, dark memories of their childhood, effects of uncivilized family background in their growing time period or serious addiction.

If someone’s childhood is miserable or filled with unpleasant incidents which are consequences of poor parenting, they may have wounds in their minds that are hard to be cured psychologically. If those children couldn’t be able to find mentally healthy resolutions, those wounds would be easily re-injured. If they grow up with dysfunctional parenting,

those things won’t be recognizable .it will feel familiar and normal. Then, when those children who have been abused emotionally, grow up and become parents, they will do the same things that happened to them, to their own children as toxic parenting is normal and not realized by them. So it is essential to find solutions if any child has a problem.

How to deal with toxic parents

A good child who is said to have a good character will try to get the approval of their parents for everything that they are going to do. But though the task is good and has been following the guidance of the pure heart, it is impossible to please toxic parents.

Then the child will try to focus on another way as he or she didn’t get the approval of the parents. But the right to life of someone belongs only to that person. that’s his or her life and he or she has the right of making his own decisions. Living our own life according to someone else’s will destroy the chances that we get in our lives and finally in the end only an unhappy and unfulfilled feeling will have left at you.

And what most children try to do when they didn’t get the approval is trying to change their parents by telling his or her points of view and trying to do a revolution by changing parents ‘minds. But trying to change someone or trying to educate someone who doesn’t want to change is completely a waste of time. And if they are your parents you will be frustrated at the end. There is no way to reason and feed them who are immature and irrational, with what you think.

Another thing that must be memorized is knowing the limitation of your parents. There may be some parents who are teetotalers. With them, it is a must to be aware of their behavior and character. when they try to make a scene it is better to behave according to the time and place. It is safer for trying to keep a full stop to the situation at the first sign of trouble.

Normally one should share his or her private things only with a person who is very faithful to him or her. Because trust is the most important thing in a healthy relationship. Most of the times parents are the most trustworthy ones in our life. But if you have toxic parents they can’t be categorized under a trustworthy category. If they criticize everything you do, see the negative sides of the things that you are going to do, use what you told against you and discourage you, you are not obligated to tell every hook and corner of your life with them. You have to make a limit to share things with them. Otherwise, it will be really dangerous.

Another thing that can be done is detaching from parents who are toxic. Things that should be done are not reacting, not taking personally and not taking responsibility for someone else’s needs and feelings. It is harder to detach from our own parents than our colleges with whom we are more equal footing. You may need time and distance with parents to create a status that cannot be done at once.

According to psychologists the most suitable way to have a respectable character that cannot be destroyed by anyone including parents is to work on yourself therapy. Sometimes it may need time and distance. If we want the relationship between parents and us to be cured, the starting point is with us. That is healing our attitudes towards our parents. Forgiveness will be needed if the conversation between us and parents goes wrong. That doesn’t tell our parents will change, but we will.

Toxic relationships include relationships with toxic parents. Typically, they do not treat their children with respect as individuals. They won’t compromise, take responsibility for their behavior, or apologize. Often these parents have a mental disorder or have a serious addiction. We all live with the consequences of poor parenting. However, if our childhoods were traumatic, we carry wounds from abusive or dysfunctional parenting. When they haven’t healed, toxic parents can re-injure us in ways that make growth and recovery difficult. When we grow up with dysfunctional parenting, we may not recognize it as such. It feels familiar and normal. We may be in denial and not realize that we’ve been abused emotionally, particularly if our material needs were met.

Toxic Behavior
Here are some questions to ask yourself about your parents’ behavior. If this conduct is chronic and persistent, it can be toxic to your self-esteem.

1. Do they over-react, create a scene?
2. Do they use emotional blackmail?
3. Do they make frequent or unreasonable demands?
4. Do they try to control you? “My way or the highway.”
5. Do they criticize or compare you?
6. Do they listen to you with interest?
7. Do they manipulate, use guilt or play the victim?
8. Do they blame or attack you?
9. Do they take responsibility and apologize?
10. Do they respect your physical and emotional boundaries?
11. Do they disregard your feelings and needs?
12. Do they envy or compete with you?

Detach from Toxic Parents
Detaching is an emotional concept and has nothing to do with physical proximity. It means not reacting, not taking things personally, nor feeling responsible for someone else’s feelings, wants, and needs. Our parents can easily push our buttons. That’s because they’re the ones that put them there! It’s harder to not react to our parents than to our friends and partners, with whom we’re on more equal footing. (Read “Getting Triggered and What You Can Do.”) Even if you move as far away as you can, emotionally, you may still react and have trouble detaching.

Be Assertive and Set Boundaries
Sometimes, it’s impossible to hold on to healthy behavior when we’re around our parents. Our boundaries were learned in our family. If we don’t go along, our family, especially parents, may test us. You may have trouble setting new boundaries with your parents. Perhaps, you have a mom who calls every day or a sibling who wants to borrow money or is abusing drugs. Confused, they may attack you or blame your new limits on your partner or therapist.

Relationships with toxic parents can be hard to walk away from. You may need distance from your parents to create the boundaries that you’re unable to make verbally. Some people cut off from family for that reason or due to unresolved anger and resentment from childhood. Cut-offs may be necessary in very abusive environments. However, although they reduce emotional tension, the underlying problems remain and can affect all of your relationships. Many family therapists suggest that the ideal way to become independent from your family is to work on yourself in therapy, then visit your parents and practice what you’ve learned. It’s far better for your growth to learn how to respond to abuse. (See “Do’s and Don’ts in Confronting Abuse.”) I’ve witnessed clients who felt uncomfortable returning home do this. They gradually transitioned from reluctantly staying in their parents’ residence during visits, to becoming comfortable declining invitations home, to staying in a hotel or with friends without guilt. Some could eventually stay with their parents and enjoy it.

When you visit, pay attention to unspoken rules and the boundary and communication patterns. Try behaving in a way that’s different from the role you played growing up (see Codependency for Dummies ). Pay attention to the habits and defenses you use to manage anxiety. Ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” Remember that although you may feel like a child with your parents, you aren’t one. You’re now a powerful adult. You can leave unlike when you were a child.

Where active drug addiction and abuse are present, consider what boundaries you require in order to feel comfortable. Know your bottom-line. Is it a one-day or one-hour visit or only a short phone call? Some adult children of addicted parents refuse to talk on the phone or be around them when their parents are drinking our using drugs. You may have siblings who pressure you to rescue a parent, or you may be tempted to do so. With difficult family situations, it’s helpful to talk with a therapist or other people in recovery from codependency.

Some Truths about Having Toxic Parents
Healing a relationship begins with you — your feelings and attitudes. Sometimes working on yourself is all it takes. That doesn’t imply that your parents will change, but you will. Sometimes forgiveness is necessary or a conversation is required. Here are some things to think about when it comes to your family:*

1. Your parents don’t have to heal for you to get well.
2. Cut-offs don’t heal you. You still need to recover your power and self-esteem.
3. You are not your parents.
4. You’re not the abusive things they say about you either. See “Codependency is Based on Fake Facts.”)
5. You don’t have to like your parents, but you might still be attached and love them.
6. Active addiction or abuse by a parent may trigger you. Set boundaries and practice nonattachment. Get “14 Tips for Letting Go.”
7. You can’t change or rescue family members.
8. Indifference, not hatred or anger, is the opposite of love.
9. Hating someone interferes with loving yourself.
10. Unresolved anger and resentment hurt you.

What You Can Do
Start therapy and attend CoDA, ACoA, or Al-Anon meetings. Learn to identify abuse and manipulation. Learn How to Raise Your Self-Esteem and heal shame and childhood trauma. (See Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You . ) Have a support network, and become financially independent from your parents. Do the exercises in my ebook, How To Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits and webinar, How to Be Assertive . With abusive and difficult parents, my ebook, Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People lays out particular and specific strategies for confronting bad behavior with highly defensive people.

©Darlene Lancer 2018

* Adapted from Codependency for Dummies 2 nd Ed. 2014, John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

By the time you reach adulthood, you probably have some serious thoughts about your upbringing. Most parents legitimately try their best, but there are unfortunately some exceptions to this rule. Knowing the signs you have a toxic father can help you heal from past trauma, as well as refrain from repeating these mistakes with your own kids.

First, though, it’s important to understand what makes a relationship toxic in the first place. “In the context of parenting, the word toxic means they are hindering their child’s development and causing harm,” Dr. Kelly Campbell, Professor of Psychology at California State University, San Bernardino, tells Romper. Often these parents experienced neglect or dysfunction while growing up, then go on to replicate these maladaptive behaviors when raising their own children, as Dr. Campbell further explains. “Toxic relationships are marked by disrespect and devaluation,” Elizabeth Dorrance Hall, Ph.D., Assistant Professor of Communication at Michigan State University and Director of the Family Communication and Relationships Lab, tells Romper. It’s hard to feel good about yourself when around this person.

Fortunately, you aren’t doomed to repeat your father’s behaviors. Simply knowing the signs of toxic behavior, and being aware of your own actions, can go a long way. Plus, you don’t have to give the toxic person a place in your current life. “Establishing and maintaining distance may be the healthiest choice in a toxic relationship that is not likely to change. Distance can be physical (you do not see them) or mental (certain topics are off limits or mental boundaries are drawn to protect oneself),” says Dr. Hall. You can also explore the option of counseling to address these pain points and find a healthier way to parent your own children. Growing up with a toxic parent is rough on any child, but you can identify the signs and move on to a happier future.

1. He’s Disrespectful

Does it feel like you’ll never measure up to your father’s demands? “When someone consistently and intentionally makes you feel less than, not worthy, and disrespects you and your life, it is a toxic relationship,” says Dr. Hall. There’s a difference between expressing a genuine concern for your well-being or simply bashing every choice you make.

2. He Gives You The Silent Treatment

There are plenty of healthy ways to address conflict, and the silent treatment is not one of them. In general, the silent treatment is a sign of abusive control or punishment, as explained in Psych Central. It’s a frustrating and ineffective tactic.

3. He Screams Threats

Out-of-control threats are not only the sign of a toxic father, but they are also wildly ineffective. In fact, constant threats may cause older kids to pursue disruptive behaviors, as reported by Reuters. Verbal hostility is real, and potentially damaging.

4. He Has Substance Misuse Issues

Does your father seem to turn into a different (meaner) person after drinking? As it turns out, alcohol abuse is another potential sign of a toxic parent, explains Dr. Campbell. Issues around substance misuse can certainly affect a person’s ability to parent.

5. He Doesn’t Want You To Grow Up

Taking the regular steps toward adulthood should be celebrated. But in some cases, “the parent tries to keep the child dependent on them even when the child is an adult or becoming an adult,” says Dr. Campbell. In reality, growing up and maturing is simply natural.

6. He Has Violent Outbursts

Sure, anger can get the best of everyone now and then. But a toxic person may regularly experience violent outbursts and then blame you for the reaction, as noted by HealthScope. This kind of a bad temper is totally destructive.

7. He Provides Conditional Love

Ideally, a parent’s love is unconditional. But in a more toxic scenario, “the parent only shows approval or love when the child conforms to who the parent wants them to be,” says Dr. Campbell. There’s no space to just be yourself.

8. He Inspires Fear

Did you have to walk on eggshells growing up? If your father used fear as a manipulation tactic, then this is almost certainly a sign of toxic parenting, as explained in Lifehack. Remember, fear does not equal love or respect.

9. He’s Narcissistic

As far as narcissists are concerned, they’re the center of the world. So of course Dr. Campbell notes that parents with narcissistic tendencies can be toxic as well. Even after reaching adulthood, you may feel like your father’s needs are larger than life — and far more important than your own.

10. He’s Aloof

Speaking of unchecked narcissistic traits, narcissistic fathers who are aloof and removed from their children probably did not provide the warmth and care needed by kids, according to Psychology Today. It’s potentially damaging.

11. He’s Controlling

Did your dad monitor and manipulate your every move? Overly controlling parents may lead to kids with higher levels of depression and dissatisfaction, according to The Huffington Post. If this sounds all too familiar, then you may want to seek counseling for support.

Elizabeth Dorrance Hall, PhD., Assistant Professor of Communication at Michigan State University and Director of the Family Communication and Relationships Lab

This article was originally published on Dec. 8, 2016

No one has a perfect relationship with their parents or in-laws.

If you’re lucky you have a positive and healthy relationship with your parents most of the time. Unfortunately, for some people – those with toxic parents – this isn’t possible. No matter how hard you try, you can’t have a mutually satisfying and respectful relationship with people who are emotionally unhealthy.

What is a toxic parent?

The term “toxic parent” is a bit nebulous and we probably all define it differently. Often, narcissistic or those with other personality disorders or mental illnesses, abusive, emotionally immature, and alcoholic or addicted parents are labeled as toxic.

Young children, even those with toxic parents, assume that their parents are typical. Without any basis for comparison, you think other families operate by the same dysfunctional rules and that everyone’s parents are cruel, unavailable, or controlling. Eventually, however, you realize that emotionally healthy parents show genuine concern for their children’s feelings, encourage them to follow their dreams, apologize when they screw up, and talk about problems in a respectful way. You realize that your parents are different.

Toxic parents cause a lot of pain and lasting psychological problems for their children. The good news is that it’s possible to overcome the effects of toxic parents. The first step is to be aware of what it really means to have a toxic parent and recognize the particular ways that your parents are dysfunctional or emotionally unhealthy.

Signs you have a toxic parent

Below are some of the common signs of a toxic parent.

Toxic parents are:

1) Self-centered and have a limited capacity for empathy: They always put their own needs first and don’t consider other people’s needs or feelings. They don’t think about how their behavior impacts others and they have a hard time understanding how other people feel.

2) Disrespectful: They fail to treat you with even a basic level of respect, courtesy, and kindness.

3) Emotionally reactive: Toxic parents often have difficulty controlling their emotions. They overreact, are “dramatic”, or are unpredictable.

4) Controlling: They want to tell you what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. Toxic parents always want to have the upper hand. Guilt and money are common ways they exert power and control.

5) Angry: They’re harsh and aggressive. Or they might be passive-aggressive – using the silent treatment, snide comments said under their breath or intentionally forgetting things.

6) Critical: Nothing you do is ever good enough for a toxic parent. They find fault with everything.

7) Manipulative: They twist the truth to make themselves look good. They use guilt, denial, and trivializing to get what they want.

8) Blaming: They don’t take responsibility for their own behavior, won’t own their part in the family dysfunction, and blame it all on you (or another scapegoat).

9) Demanding: They expect you to drop everything to tend to their needs. Again, they have no concern for you, your schedule, or your needs; it’s all about them and what you can do to serve them.

10) Embarrassing: They behave so poorly (anything from making racist jokes, getting into physical altercations, making sexual advances towards your spouse, and so on) that you’re embarrassed to be associated with them.

11) Cruel: Toxic parents do and say things that are downright mean. They mock you, call you names, point out your shortcomings and intentionally bring up things that you’re sensitive about.

12) Boundaryless: They intrude on your personal space and don’t accept that you’re a grown adult who is completely separate from them. They want to know about your personal life, they stand in your personal space, open your mail, come over uninvited, offer unsolicited advice, and undermine your parenting.

13) Enmeshed: Your parents have an unhealthy reliance on you. They share too much personal information with you (secrets or details of their marital problems or sex life, for example) and rely on you to be their primary source of emotional support.

14) Competitive: Not only do they always need to be right, but they also act like they’re in competition with you. So, instead of cheering you on and being happy for your successes, they try to one-up you, diminish your accomplishments, or ignore you.

And the last sign that you have toxic parents is about how you feel rather than what they do.

15) You feel bad when you talk to, spend time with, or think about them: You feel worse after an encounter with your parents. You dread talking to them. And even the thought of your toxic parents can cause your body to tense up and your stomach to churn. Painful memories may surface. Their negative energy taints everything they touch. If you have toxic parents, you probably weren’t encouraged to have your own feelings, so you might not be used to noticing them. So, be sure to pay attention to your feelings and notice whether your parents trigger feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, shame, or other negative emotions.

Awareness leads to acceptance

If you have toxic parents, please remember that it’s not your fault. No matter how much they try to blame you, your parents aren’t “difficult” because of anything you did.

Recognizing that your parents have significant problems, and are unlikely to change, paves the way to acceptance. And when we accept people as they are, we free ourselves from the struggle to try to change them. We can grieve the loss of the kind of parent-child relationship that we wished for.

Acceptance is very helpful in restoring your peace of mind. But even still, it’s very stressful to have toxic parents and you need strategies to help you cope with your parents’ dysfunction.

Toxic relationships include relationships with toxic parents. Typically, they do not treat their children with respect as individuals. They won’t compromise, take responsibility for their behavior, or apologize. Often these parents have a mental disorder or have a serious addiction. We all live with the consequences of poor parenting. However, if our childhoods were traumatic, we carry wounds from abusive or dysfunctional parenting. When they haven’t healed, toxic parents can re-injure us in ways that make growth and recovery difficult. When we grow up with dysfunctional parenting, we may not recognize it as such. It feels familiar and normal. We may be in denial and not realize that we’ve been abused emotionally, particularly if our material needs were met.

Toxic Behavior
Here are some questions to ask yourself about your parents’ behavior. If this conduct is chronic and persistent, it can be toxic to your self-esteem.

1. Do they over-react, create a scene?
2. Do they use emotional blackmail?
3. Do they make frequent or unreasonable demands?
4. Do they try to control you? “My way or the highway.”
5. Do they criticize or compare you?
6. Do they listen to you with interest?
7. Do they manipulate, use guilt or play the victim?
8. Do they blame or attack you?
9. Do they take responsibility and apologize?
10. Do they respect your physical and emotional boundaries?
11. Do they disregard your feelings and needs?
12. Do they envy or compete with you?

Detach from Toxic Parents
Detaching is an emotional concept and has nothing to do with physical proximity. It means not reacting, not taking things personally, nor feeling responsible for someone else’s feelings, wants, and needs. Our parents can easily push our buttons. That’s because they’re the ones that put them there! It’s harder to not react to our parents than to our friends and partners, with whom we’re on more equal footing. (Read “Getting Triggered and What You Can Do.”) Even if you move as far away as you can, emotionally, you may still react and have trouble detaching.

Be Assertive and Set Boundaries
Sometimes, it’s impossible to hold on to healthy behavior when we’re around our parents. Our boundaries were learned in our family. If we don’t go along, our family, especially parents, may test us. You may have trouble setting new boundaries with your parents. Perhaps, you have a mom who calls every day or a sibling who wants to borrow money or is abusing drugs. Confused, they may attack you or blame your new limits on your partner or therapist.

Relationships with toxic parents can be hard to walk away from. You may need distance from your parents to create the boundaries that you’re unable to make verbally. Some people cut off from family for that reason or due to unresolved anger and resentment from childhood. Cut-offs may be necessary in very abusive environments. However, although they reduce emotional tension, the underlying problems remain and can affect all of your relationships. Many family therapists suggest that the ideal way to become independent from your family is to work on yourself in therapy, then visit your parents and practice what you’ve learned. It’s far better for your growth to learn how to respond to abuse. (See “Do’s and Don’ts in Confronting Abuse.”) I’ve witnessed clients who felt uncomfortable returning home do this. They gradually transitioned from reluctantly staying in their parents’ residence during visits, to becoming comfortable declining invitations home, to staying in a hotel or with friends without guilt. Some could eventually stay with their parents and enjoy it.

When you visit, pay attention to unspoken rules and the boundary and communication patterns. Try behaving in a way that’s different from the role you played growing up (see Codependency for Dummies ). Pay attention to the habits and defenses you use to manage anxiety. Ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” Remember that although you may feel like a child with your parents, you aren’t one. You’re now a powerful adult. You can leave unlike when you were a child.

Where active drug addiction and abuse are present, consider what boundaries you require in order to feel comfortable. Know your bottom-line. Is it a one-day or one-hour visit or only a short phone call? Some adult children of addicted parents refuse to talk on the phone or be around them when their parents are drinking our using drugs. You may have siblings who pressure you to rescue a parent, or you may be tempted to do so. With difficult family situations, it’s helpful to talk with a therapist or other people in recovery from codependency.

Some Truths about Having Toxic Parents
Healing a relationship begins with you — your feelings and attitudes. Sometimes working on yourself is all it takes. That doesn’t imply that your parents will change, but you will. Sometimes forgiveness is necessary or a conversation is required. Here are some things to think about when it comes to your family:*

1. Your parents don’t have to heal for you to get well.
2. Cut-offs don’t heal you. You still need to recover your power and self-esteem.
3. You are not your parents.
4. You’re not the abusive things they say about you either. See “Codependency is Based on a Lie.”)
5. You don’t have to like your parents, but you might still be attached and love them.
6. Active addiction or abuse by a parent may trigger you. Set boundaries and practice nonattachment. Get “14 Tips for Letting Go.”
7. You can’t change or rescue family members.
8. Indifference, not hatred or anger, is the opposite of love.
9. Hating someone interferes with loving yourself.
10. Unresolved anger and resentment hurt you.

What You Can Do
Start therapy and attend CoDA, ACoA, or Al-Anon meetings. Learn to identify abuse and manipulation. Learn How to Raise Your Self-Esteem and heal shame and childhood trauma. (See Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You . ) Have a support network, and become financially independent from your parents. Do the exercises in my ebook, How To Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits and webinar, How to Be Assertive . With abusive and difficult parents, my ebook, Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People lays out particular and specific strategies for confronting bad behavior with highly defensive people.

©Darlene Lancer 2018

* Adapted from Codependency for Dummies 2 nd Ed. 2014, John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Toxic relationships include relationships with toxic parents. Typically, they do not treat their children with respect as individuals. They won’t compromise, take responsibility for their behavior, or apologize. Often these parents have a mental disorder or have a serious addiction. We all live with the consequences of poor parenting. However, if our childhoods were traumatic, we carry wounds from abusive or dysfunctional parenting. When they haven’t healed, toxic parents can re-injure us in ways that make growth and recovery difficult. When we grow up with dysfunctional parenting, we may not recognize it as such. It feels familiar and normal. We may be in denial and not realize that we’ve been abused emotionally, particularly if our material needs were met.

Toxic Behavior
Here are some questions to ask yourself about your parents’ behavior. If this conduct is chronic and persistent, it can be toxic to your self-esteem.

1. Do they over-react, create a scene?
2. Do they use emotional blackmail?
3. Do they make frequent or unreasonable demands?
4. Do they try to control you? “My way or the highway.”
5. Do they criticize or compare you?
6. Do they listen to you with interest?
7. Do they manipulate, use guilt or play the victim?
8. Do they blame or attack you?
9. Do they take responsibility and apologize?
10. Do they respect your physical and emotional boundaries?
11. Do they disregard your feelings and needs?
12. Do they envy or compete with you?

Detach from Toxic Parents
Detaching is an emotional concept and has nothing to do with physical proximity. It means not reacting, not taking things personally, nor feeling responsible for someone else’s feelings, wants, and needs. Our parents can easily push our buttons. That’s because they’re the ones that put them there! It’s harder to not react to our parents than to our friends and partners, with whom we’re on more equal footing. (Read “Getting Triggered and What You Can Do.”) Even if you move as far away as you can, emotionally, you may still react and have trouble detaching.

Be Assertive and Set Boundaries
Sometimes, it’s impossible to hold on to healthy behavior when we’re around our parents. Our boundaries were learned in our family. If we don’t go along, our family, especially parents, may test us. You may have trouble setting new boundaries with your parents. Perhaps, you have a mom who calls every day or a sibling who wants to borrow money or is abusing drugs. Confused, they may attack you or blame your new limits on your partner or therapist.

Relationships with toxic parents can be hard to walk away from. You may need distance from your parents to create the boundaries that you’re unable to make verbally. Some people cut off from family for that reason or due to unresolved anger and resentment from childhood. Cut-offs may be necessary in very abusive environments. However, although they reduce emotional tension, the underlying problems remain and can affect all of your relationships. Many family therapists suggest that the ideal way to become independent from your family is to work on yourself in therapy, then visit your parents and practice what you’ve learned. It’s far better for your growth to learn how to respond to abuse. (See “Do’s and Don’ts in Confronting Abuse.”) I’ve witnessed clients who felt uncomfortable returning home do this. They gradually transitioned from reluctantly staying in their parents’ residence during visits, to becoming comfortable declining invitations home, to staying in a hotel or with friends without guilt. Some could eventually stay with their parents and enjoy it.

When you visit, pay attention to unspoken rules and the boundary and communication patterns. Try behaving in a way that’s different from the role you played growing up (see Codependency for Dummies). Pay attention to the habits and defenses you use to manage anxiety. Ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” Remember that although you may feel like a child with your parents, you aren’t one. You’re now a powerful adult. You can leave unlike when you were a child.

Where active drug addiction and abuse are present, consider what boundaries you require in order to feel comfortable. Know your bottom-line. Is it a one-day or one-hour visit or only a short phone call? Some adult children of addicted parents refuse to talk on the phone or be around them when their parents are drinking our using drugs. You may have siblings who pressure you to rescue a parent, or you may be tempted to do so. With difficult family situations, it’s helpful to talk with a therapist or other people in recovery from codependency.

Some Truths about Having Toxic Parents
Healing a relationship begins with you — your feelings and attitudes. Sometimes working on yourself is all it takes. That doesn’t imply that your parents will change, but you will. Sometimes forgiveness is necessary or a conversation is required. Here are some things to think about when it comes to your family:*

1. Your parents don’t have to heal for you to get well.
2. Cut-offs don’t heal you. You still need to recover your power and self-esteem.
3. You are not your parents.
4. You’re not the abusive things they say about you either. See “Codependency is Based on Fake Facts.”)
5. You don’t have to like your parents, but you might still be attached and love them.
6. Active addiction or abuse by a parent may trigger you. Set boundaries and practice nonattachment. Get “14 Tips for Letting Go.”
7. You can’t change or rescue family members.
8. Indifference, not hatred or anger, is the opposite of love.
9. Hating someone interferes with loving yourself.
10. Unresolved anger and resentment hurt you.

What You Can Do
Start therapy and attend CoDA, ACoA, or Al-Anon meetings. Learn to identify abuse and manipulation. Learn How to Raise Your Self-Esteem and heal shame and childhood trauma. (See Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You.) Have a support network, and become financially independent from your parents. Do the exercises in my ebook, How To Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits and webinar, How to Be Assertive. With abusive and difficult parents, my ebook, Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People lays out particular and specific strategies for confronting bad behavior with highly defensive people.

©Darlene Lancer 2018

* Adapted from Codependency for Dummies 2nd Ed. 2014, John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

You love her – but are you always on high alert around your mum?

She says she loves you. You know she needs you.

Yet you are on high alert in her company, waiting for the next outburst or put-down. The time you spend with her leaves you feeling apologetic, unworthy, unlovable or timid – and these beliefs pervade every area of your life. The effects of a difficult mother are profound.

Fortunately, there are ways to manage your adult relationship with your mother that can help minimise her negative influence, says psychologist Marisa Peer:

• The first step is acceptance. You cannot change who your mother is. You cannot fundamentally change the relationship: it is as long as your life. The toxic mother is either in denial or so skilled at deflecting your needs or justifying your relationship that you are unlikely ever to talk her round.

• Focus on what you can control, which is your reaction to her. Instead of hurling accusations, frame your complaints as your own feelings: ‘I don’t like it when you do that. You’re making me feel uncomfortable.’ She may still dismiss your feelings, but you have sent out the signal that you don’t accept how she makes you feel.

• If your health is actually suffering, I’d advise ending face-to-face contact. Clients are often horrified when I suggest this, but frequently report feelings of peace and liberty. Despite what is culturally entrenched, you do not have to see your mother.

• If cutting off contact is not an option, try to control the circumstances in which you do see her. It’s common to spend entire weekends with our mothers. Why, if you know it will end in an eruption? Lunch in public robs her of the control of her own territory, and also makes it easier to leave. In public with others she’s less likely to be evil. Even asserting control over the venue will make you feel better.

• Use her own techniques and refuse to take on board her moods by asserting your own, positive, resolute point in response to any goading. ‘This dress makes me feel good. I like it and I’m going to wear it,’ or ‘I will do it this way, it works for me’.

• Sometimes, threatening to leave is the only way to make your point. ‘It’s not working out today. I’m going to leave a little earlier, or ‘I don’t want any negativity. I’ll see you when you’re in a better mood.’

• Finally, seek out other sources of support. Psychologist Dorothy Rowe says there is plenty of evidence that the influence and ‘programming’ of a mother can be overridden by other significant figures like relatives, in particular aunts, or even a teacher. These can both bolster your confidence and diminish your reliance on your mother.

I am 20, and both my parents are toxic. They are toxic for me and toxic for each other.

my dad is not a good dad and didn’t raise me. He only sees me once a week and usually is on his phone most of the time. He only cares about his side of things and not others. He wasn’t good to my mother. He treats other kids more as his own than me. He also makes up stories to make himself look big. even if he’s throwing his own child under the bus to make himself look cool.

my mum sacrificed a lot for me. And she thinks im ungrateful. I am not. But I am aware of how she emotionally guilts and blackmails me because of it. as if im the one to blame for the sacrifices she made. She treats me like a child and keeps speaking for me. Even if I say no. I cannot take opportunities because she doesn’t approve. My parents haven’t been together for a long time and whenever she gets mad at my dad, she yells at me for it too. She wants me to pick a side. him or her. i want to pick myself (which she will find selfish). Its hard to speak against her because her rage is something else.

I am struggling emotionally and mentally. I want to move out of the house with my mum, and just work on me. Because I cannot be me or live the life I want being held down. And I dont want to be around either of them much. Its affecting my wellbeing.

Hire Dr. Ben to get the personal coaching you need to set boundaries effectively and to stop harassment, guilt-tripping and bullying by toxic parents.

Even though you’re an adult, toxic parents can still make your life miserable.

• No matter how much they controlled, bullied and abused you when you were younger, they still claim that you owe them respect and loyalty, and that you should do what they want and need now.
• They don’t value your opinion or standards; they know best; you’re not important, they are; you’re still the bad child, your siblings are good; you’re selfish and ungrateful.
• Sometimes, they’re nice to your kids but they’re still mean and toxic to you.
• You’ve tried to talk and reason and to prove that you do love them. But you never succeed. They never accept the proof.
• You blew up and threatened them but they ignored you or they acted nice for a while until you relaxed.
• They wore you down. You stopped fighting by setting real boundaries they couldn’t cross.

See Dr. Ben on, “How to Deal With Toxic Parents.”

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Now is the moment of truth for you. Now is where you choose the beliefs, attitudes, rules and roles for yourself as an adult. Throw off the burden of the brain-washing they subjected you to for years.

Purchase “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” from this web site and I’ll ship it priority mail at no extra cost.

• Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to set boundaries effectively.
• Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life for yourself and your family.

By Richard A. Friedman, M.D.

Oct. 19, 2009

You can divorce an abusive spouse. You can call it quits if your lover mistreats you. But what can you do if the source of your misery is your own parent?

Granted, no parent is perfect. And whining about parental failure, real or not, is practically an American pastime that keeps the therapeutic community dutifully employed.

But just as there are ordinary good-enough parents who mysteriously produce a difficult child, there are some decent people who have the misfortune of having a truly toxic parent.

A patient of mine, a lovely woman in her 60s whom I treated for depression, recently asked my advice about how to deal with her aging mother.

“She’s always been extremely abusive of me and my siblings,” she said, as I recall. “Once, on my birthday, she left me a message wishing that I get a disease. Can you believe it?”

Over the years, she had tried to have a relationship with her mother, but the encounters were always painful and upsetting; her mother remained harshly critical and demeaning.

Whether her mother was mentally ill, just plain mean or both was unclear, but there was no question that my patient had decided long ago that the only way to deal with her mother was to avoid her at all costs.

Now that her mother was approaching death, she was torn about yet another effort at reconciliation. “I feel I should try,” my patient told me, “but I know she’ll be awful to me.”

Should she visit and perhaps forgive her mother, or protect herself and live with a sense of guilt, however unjustified? Tough call, and clearly not mine to make.

But it did make me wonder about how therapists deal with adult patients who have toxic parents.

The topic gets little, if any, attention in standard textbooks or in the psychiatric literature, perhaps reflecting the common and mistaken notion that adults, unlike children and the elderly, are not vulnerable to such emotional abuse.

All too often, I think, therapists have a bias to salvage relationships, even those that might be harmful to a patient. Instead, it is crucial to be open-minded and to consider whether maintaining the relationship is really healthy and desirable.

Likewise, the assumption that parents are predisposed to love their children unconditionally and protect them from harm is not universally true. I remember one patient, a man in his mid-20s, who came to me for depression and rock-bottom self-esteem.

It didn’t take long to find out why. He had recently come out as gay to his devoutly religious parents, who responded by disowning him. It gets worse: at a subsequent family dinner, his father took him aside and told him it would have been better if he, rather than his younger brother, had died in a car accident several years earlier.

Though terribly hurt and angry, this young man still hoped he could get his parents to accept his sexuality and asked me to meet with the three of them.

The session did not go well. The parents insisted that his “lifestyle” was a grave sin, incompatible with their deeply held religious beliefs. When I tried to explain that the scientific consensus was that he had no more choice about his sexual orientation than the color of his eyes, they were unmoved. They simply could not accept him as he was.

I was stunned by their implacable hostility and convinced that they were a psychological menace to my patient. As such, I had to do something I have never contemplated before in treatment.

At the next session I suggested that for his psychological well-being he might consider, at least for now, forgoing a relationship with his parents.

I felt this was a drastic measure, akin to amputating a gangrenous limb to save a patient’s life. My patient could not escape all the negative feelings and thoughts about himself that he had internalized from his parents. But at least I could protect him from even more psychological harm.

Easier said than done. He accepted my suggestion with sad resignation, though he did make a few efforts to contact them over the next year. They never responded.

Of course, relationships are rarely all good or bad; even the most abusive parents can sometimes be loving, which is why severing a bond should be a tough, and rare, decision.

Dr. Judith Lewis Herman, a trauma expert who is a clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, said she tried to empower patients to take action to protect themselves without giving direct advice.

“Sometimes we consider a paradoxical intervention and say to a patient, ‘I really admire your loyalty to your parents — even at the expense of failing to protect yourself in any way from harm,’ ” Dr. Herman told me in an interview.

The hope is that patients come to see the psychological cost of a harmful relationship and act to change it.

Eventually, my patient made a full recovery from his depression and started dating, though his parents’ absence in his life was never far from his thoughts.

No wonder. Research on early attachment, both in humans and in nonhuman primates, shows that we are hard-wired for bonding — even to those who aren’t very nice to us.

We also know that although prolonged childhood trauma can be toxic to the brain, adults retain the ability later in life to rewire their brains by new experience, including therapy and psychotropic medication.

For example, prolonged stress can kill cells in the hippocampus, a brain area critical for memory. The good news is that adults are able to grow new neurons in this area in the course of normal development. Also, antidepressants encourage the development of new cells in the hippocampus.

It is no stretch, then, to say that having a toxic parent may be harmful to a child’s brain, let alone his feelings. But that damage need not be written in stone.

Of course, we cannot undo history with therapy. But we can help mend brains and minds by removing or reducing stress.

Sometimes, as drastic as it sounds, that means letting go of a toxic parent.

July 27, 2020 by Moon Cho

Going through my own trauma of having a toxic relationship with my father, I had to devise and learn mental and emotional techniques to be able to manage and handle toxic people in my life.

Other posts you might like

• How to Deal with Toxic Relationships Part 2
• How I Deal with Negative People & Energies
• How to Cope with Grief: Part 2
• Why I Forgive My Father

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14 Steps to Teacher Assertiveness
How to cope with difficult parents, principals and staff members

* Teaching has become a highly stressful and unhappy profession for many. I have heard teachers say repeatedly that teaching isn’t fun any more. Teacher stress can result from a number of stimuli. ranging from dwindling resources, financial cutbacks, ever increasing expectations, lack of appreciation and praise, and diminished parental support to demanding and toxic parents, undisciplined and rude students and highly critical, non-supportive staff members.

* Toxic parents can do a lot of serious damage to the confidence and well being of teachers. With all the duties and responsibilities teachers have on their plates what they don’t need is the added stress and pressure exerted by toxic parents, principals and fellow professionals.

* Today we have parents walking around armed with the latest educational insight picked up from watching Dateline or 20/20 or reading the latest education related article from Ladies Home Journal. With their new found knowledge they come to you loaded for bear. When this happens you should have no trouble at all if you are well read in educational philosophy, pedagogy and methodology. Keeping up with the research in education is a must for teachers. If you visit your doctor with a health concern you expect him/her to be knowledgeable enough to answer it well and thoroughly. To be credible, doctors must keep up with what is going on in medicine. The same applies to teachers. Read, listen to tapes, study journals etc. When a concerned or difficult parent comes to you with a question dazzle them with your knowledge and expertise. Don’t hesitate to quote your sources and offer to provide them with articles on the issue of concern.

How to Deal with Toxic Parents/ Principals/ Staff Members

Remember that you can’t change toxic parents, principals or fellow staff members, but you can learn to cope with them .and neutralize their impact on your life. Here are some effective strategies to try.

Always stand at eye level with the person you are confronting. Never have them standing over you, looking down.

Respect the toxic person and always expect respect in return. Settle for nothing less.

Remain calm. A calm cool response to an angry verbal barrage can neutralize a toxic experience.

Don’t argue or interrupt, just listen.

Don’t accuse or judge, just state how you feel about the situation.

If the toxic person tries to verbally bully you, just say, ” I’m sorry but I don’t allow people to treat me this way. Perhaps we can continue this when you have calmed down.” Then slowly and calmly walk away.

When someone is being toxic to you here is a powerful response and one that is easy to use because you don’t have to say a word. In the midst of a toxic attack just . PAUSE. LOOK AT THE PERSON, WITHOUT EMOTION. TURN AND WALK AWAY. It works!

While anger is sometimes a valid response it has to be used as a last resort. Anger doesn’t usually accomplish anything with a difficult parent and can actually cause further alienation.

Put your qualifications on display. Whether people like to admit it or not they are impressed by paper qualifications. When you enter a doctor’s office you see behind his/her desk all the degrees, diplomas and additional courses taken in various medical fields etc. When you see this you begin having more confidence in the expertise of the doctor. I think teachers should do the same. Behind your desk have copies of your degrees, teacher’s certificates, professional courses taken etc. mounted on the wall for all to see.

When Interviewing a difficult parent never sit behind your desk.. Move your chair out from behind the desk and place it close to and in front of the parent. This sends a strong assertive message to the one being interviewed. It says, ” I am comfortable and confident in this situation. That’s just the message your want to send.

Never underestimate the power of a stern, disapproving look. It certainly saves you words and allows you to assert yourself with minimum risk. If someone is doing or saying something that puts you down or tries to overpower you, give them a look of disapproval which says loudly and clearly, “BACK OFF.”

Selective silence is one of the most effective ways of dealing with difficult people. It is easy to use, and very low threat. When people are being difficult, they are often seeking attention and power. When you respond verbally to their toxic attack you are giving them attention and power they desire. When you use selective silence you deny them both attention and power. You are basically ignoring them and no one likes to be ignored.

REMEMBER. You don’t exist to be anyone’s doormat.

This tips sheet is but a brief excerpt from my one hour audio program Coping with Toxic Parents which also includes material on how to deal with difficult principals and fellow staff members.

Mike Moore is an international speaker on humour and human potential. As a former teacher Mike has a special interest in the well being of teachers. He travels throughout Canada and the United States speaking on teacher wellness and assertiveness.

Mike Moore is an international speaker on humor and human potential
Humor Makes Great Things Happen
phone 519-753-0702 fax 519-754-4794

Most of us are aware of the challenges that go along with the breakdown of the family when partners divorce. Once a couple decides to divorce, many issues and questions arise that had never been previously contemplated by the couple, such as who gets custody of the children, how to divide the marital property, finances, etc.

The process of divorcing one’s spouse can be extremely difficult in and of itself. However, when you combine the process of divorce with custody and other parenting issues, the process can become much more challenging. For many dueling spouses, the process of separating themselves from their marital partners and maintaining a parental relationship with their children can be a tricky balancing act.

Once the divorce is finalized and each parent is living in separate environments, one parent might still be consumed with anger, hurt or resentment, making it difficult to move past the divorce. Some parents find it tough to separate negative feelings about a former spouse without including their children, forcing them to choose sides between their parents.

Unfortunately, once parents engage in a battle to pollute their children’s feelings about the other parent, toxic co-parenting usually follows. As parents we all wonder how children will respond to a divorce once we have made the decision to end a marriage. We often wonder if our children will hate us, blame us for the divorce, or will have a difficult time adjusting to a one-parent household. Our main priority as parents, divorced or not, is to ensure that our kids have a happy, healthy, stable and balanced life. But for many divorcing or divorced parents, emotions run high and conflict with our former spouse feels unavoidable.

For some couples it is not easy to separate when you share a child with someone and both parties desire and intend to remain an active part of the child’s life. While the process of a divorce usually signals an end to the intimate relationship between the parents, there is still a healthy co-parenting relationship that needs to continue when there are children involved.

Parents need to develop a healthy relationship post-divorce for the sake and well-being of their children. It is essential for the child’s emotional and psychological health that each parent behaves respectfully toward each other and does not try to interfere with or undermine the child’s relationship with the other parent.

7 Tips for Healthy Co-Parenting When a Toxic Ex Is Involved

1. Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent to the child

Do not speak negatively of the other parent to the child or speak in an unflattering way about the other parent when the child is around. Although some divorces can be contentious with understandably hurt feelings and anger, children should be protected at all times from emotional pain. Both parents are required to provide a safe, secure, and healthy emotional support network.

2. Identify what Is most important to you as a parent

Creating a healthy partnership with the other parent reduces the likelihood of making a child feel he or she needs to pick a side between the parents. Children should be reassured that although parents no longer love each other romantically they still have some degree of love and respect for the other parent because they share children.

3. Support communication between your child and ex-spouse

Recognize that your child needs to have ongoing access and communication with both parents. Don’t avoid communicating with the other parent about any issues pertaining to the children. Each parent should have an honest and loving relationship with their children, so be sure what you saying to your children about respecting the other parent matches how you speak and behave toward the other parent.

4. Consider the other parent when making decisions about your child

Parents are encouraged to consider the other parent’s point of view whenever parental decisions need to be made. Remember both parents love the children equally, so it is only fair that you listen without judgement to any of their parenting suggestions and concerns. After all, if you’re initiating the concern, consider what the other co-parent might be thinking or reacting to what you are saying.

5. Learn to identify what triggers negative reactions from your ex

By identifying what triggers negative behaviors, former spouses can begin the process of healing from the divorce and becoming more effective parents. By knowing what upset you about a former spouse, you can develop options to manage your responses to the triggers.

6. Do not provide your child detailed reasons for your divorce

It is only natural for children to question their parents about the reasons leading to their divorce; however, the explanation should not include blaming the other parent, cheating, the other parent no longer wanting to be a family, etc. Simple explanations such as “we decided we did not want to remain married, but we are still a family”, answers the child’s question without assigning blame.

7. Respect your children’s relationship with the other parent

Be encouraging and avoid interfering. Divorce is not only confusing for spouses but for children as well. Children need to know that even if their parents are no longer together, the parents love towards the children remains and has not been changed or affected by the divorce.

Sanjana is a mother of two bright kids who adore her as much as she adores them. She has created a loving haven of peace within her home. Her son calls her his best friend and her daughter cannot stop talking about her mother’s sweet gestures. There is a glaring imperfection in this perfect story.

Sanjana’s own parents hate her. Her siblings hate her. Her family detests her and she is the hot topic of gossip whenever they all meet (with or without her). They have been hostile towards her ever since she remembers.

Sanjana has two choices, soak all the negativity that her parents and siblings give her, or pick herself and move on. She chose the latter.

How to deal with toxic parents & family members?

Don’t feel guilty or question yourself

Sanjana spent many years trying to prove her love and loyalty to her parents and siblings. Each time she did so with the hope to win their adulation. Each time things would go right for a while and then out of the blue suddenly she would be blamed, misunderstood, criticized for no-fault. When she finally gave up, she was shrouded in guilt & questioned herself often. Only to realize that it wasn’t her fault & she didn’t deserve the nasty treatment. It took a while to come out of the guilt and self-doubt – HERM really helped. (Scroll down to see what HERM means)

Accept the reality

Yes, its true, toxic parents and family members do exist. And not everyone has parents who love them unconditionally. Sanjana used to find herself feeling depressed about the lack of love. But when she accepted the reality of the situation, she found herself calmer. Through all those grueling days of depression, she realized that parental or family love is not the only source of love. She had loving friends, colleagues, in-laws, husband & others who loved her and respected her for what she was.

Don’t copy your parent’s behaviour

Sanjana is always mindful of her behaviour towards her own kids. Her parenting style is about everything that she ever wanted from her own parents – unconditional love, a happy and accepting environment & loads of room for children to make mistakes. She ensures that she chides her children for their wrongful behaviour, but ensures she doesn’t condemn them for it.

Encourage your children to love each other – unconditionally

Sure, siblings have arguments and fights. That is normal and to a certain extent healthy. Sanjana ensures that she is neutral whenever they fight and she encourages them to see the other person’s point of view.

Don’t play politics between siblings

Kids love it when their parents take sides. Sanjana doesn’t give in to their fancies. She remains neutral, firm and loving while giving constructive criticism. She never plays one against the other. As a result, neither kid comes to her bearing false tales nor do they spend their time cooking strategies to pull each other down.

Invest in HERM – Healthy diet, Exercise, Relaxation & Meditation

It’s so easy for Sanjana to slip into depression. Imagine living a life with no love from parents or siblings. All that she receives are judgements, rebuke, hatred, backbiting, and politics. All around her, she is witness to the unconditional love of parents for their own children. It sure is depressing when one doesn’t enjoy that love of one’s own parents. Sanjana chooses to invest her energies in a Healthy Diet, Exercise, Relaxation, and Meditation. She knows that it keeps her sane.

Friends, it’s easy to succumb to the excuse, ‘my parents were mean to me so I don’t really know how to be nice to my kids. They will hate me anyways.’ Just as Sanjana made a choice, you too have a choice. You don’t have to be the very same parent you hated. You don’t need to be mean, rude and resentful towards your own children. I am hoping this post helps you to cope with your negativity & channelize it into a beautiful, positive bond between you and your children.

Do share this blog post with anyone who needs a positive dose of motivation. Let me know your thoughts in the comment box below.

Penned by:

Mayura Amarkant

This blog post originally appeared on the author’s blogzine: DiaryOfAnInsaneWriter. Here is the link to the original article: How to deal with toxic parents & family members

This is an original piece of writing by Mayura Amarkant and all copyrights belong to her.

Try behaving in a way that’s different from the role you played growing up. Pay attention to the habits and defenses you use to manage anxiety.

Ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” Remember that although you may feel like a child with your parents, you aren’t one. You’re now a powerful adult. You can leave unlike when you were a child.

Where active drug addiction and abuse are present, consider what boundaries you require in order to feel comfortable. Know your bottom-line. Is it a one-day or one-hour visit or only a short phone call?

Some adult children of addicted parents refuse to talk on the phone or be around them when their parents are drinking or using drugs. You may have siblings who pressure you to rescue a parent, or you may be tempted to do so. With difficult family situations, it’s helpful to talk with a therapist or other people in recovery from codependency.

Some Truths about Having Toxic Parents

Healing a relationship begins with you — your feelings and attitudes. Sometimes working on yourself is all it takes. That doesn’t imply that your parents will change, but you will. Sometimes forgiveness is necessary or a conversation is required.

Here are some things to think about when it comes to your family:*

1. Your parents don’t have to heal for you to get well.
2. Cut-offs don’t heal.
3. You are not your parents.
4. You’re not the abusive things they say about you either.
5. You don’t have to like your parents, but you might still be attached and love them.
6. Active addiction or abuse by a parent may trigger you. Set boundaries and practice non-attachment.
7. You can’t change or rescue family members.
8. Indifference, not hatred or anger, is the opposite of love.
9. Hating someone interferes with loving yourself.
10. Unresolved anger and resentment hurt you.

What You Can Do?

Start therapy and attend CoDA, ACoA, or Al-Anon meetings. Learn to identify abuse and manipulation. Learn How to Raise Your Self-Esteem and heal shame and childhood trauma.

Have a support network, and become financially independent from your parents. Do the exercises in my ebook, How To Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits and webinar, How to Be Assertive.

With abusive and difficult parents, my ebook, Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People lays out particular and specific strategies for confronting bad behavior with highly defensive people.

©Darlene Lancer 2018

* Adapted from Codependency for Dummies 2nd Ed. 2014, John Wiley & Sons, Inc.mail?

If you have grown up with a toxic parent/parents, then the first thing you should do is take care of yourself and your mental health. You have already gone through enough, so don’t ever be hard on yourself. Do what you think is best for you and your soul, when it comes to having a relationship with your parents.

If you want to know more about toxic parents, then check this video out below:

Have you grown up with a toxic parent/parents, who have always hurt you, belittled you, and never tried to understand you even once?

Toxic relationships include relationships with toxic parents. Typically, they do not treat their children with respect as individuals.

They won’t compromise, take responsibility for their behavior, or apologize. Often these parents have a mental disorder or have a serious addiction. We all live with the consequences of poor parenting.

However, if our childhoods were traumatic, we carry wounds from abusive or dysfunctional parenting. When they haven’t healed, toxic parents can re-injure us in ways that make growth and recovery difficult.

When we grow up with dysfunctional parenting, we may not recognize it as such. It feels familiar and normal. We may be in denial and not realize that we’ve been abused emotionally, particularly if our material needs were met.

Toxic Behavior

Here are some questions to ask yourself about your parents’ behavior. If this conduct is chronic and persistent, it can be toxic to your self-esteem.

1. Do they over-react, create a scene?
2. Do they use emotional blackmail?
3. Do they make frequent or unreasonable demands?
4. Do they try to control you? “My way or the highway.”
5. Do they criticize or compare you?
6. Do they listen to you with interest?
7. Do they manipulate, use guilt or play the victim?
8. Do they blame or attack you?
9. Do they take responsibility and apologize?
10. Do they respect your physical and emotional boundaries?
11. Do they disregard your feelings and needs?
12. Do they envy or compete with you?

Detach from Toxic Parents

Detaching is an emotional concept and has nothing to do with physical proximity. It means not reacting, not taking things personally, nor feeling responsible for someone else’s feelings, wants, and needs.

Our parents can easily push our buttons. That’s because they’re the ones that put them there! It’s harder to not react to our parents than to our friends and partners, with whom we’re on more equal footing. Even if you move as far away as you can, emotionally, you may still react and have trouble detaching.

Be Assertive and Set Boundaries

Sometimes, it’s impossible to hold on to healthy behavior when we’re around our parents. Our boundaries were learned in our family.

If we don’t go along, our family, especially our parents, may test us. You may have trouble setting new boundaries with your parents. Perhaps, you have a mom who calls every day or a sibling who wants to borrow money or is abusing drugs. Confused, they may attack you or blame your new limits on your partner or therapist.

Relationships with toxic parents can be hard to walk away from.

You may need distance from your parents to create the boundaries that you’re unable to make verbally. Some people cut off from family for that reason or due to unresolved anger and resentment from childhood.

Cut-offs may be necessary for very abusive environments. However, although they reduce emotional tension, the underlying problems remain and can affect all of your relationships.

Many family therapists suggest that the ideal way to become independent from your family is to work on yourself in therapy, then visit your parents and practice what you’ve learned.

It’s far better for your growth to learn how to respond to abuse. I’ve witnessed clients who felt uncomfortable returning home do this.

They gradually transitioned from reluctantly staying in their parents’ residence during visits, to becoming comfortable declining invitations home, to staying in a hotel or with friends without guilt. Some could eventually stay with their parents and enjoy it.

When you visit, pay attention to unspoken rules and the boundary and communication patterns.