How to fix a marriage lacking intimacy

Wayne’s background in life coaching along with his work helping organizations to build family-friendly policies, gives him a unique perspective on fathering.

Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.

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Emotional intimacy is a key component to a healthy marriage. When emotional intimacy is lacking, a marriage can suffer. Maintaining emotional intimacy requires work and attention. Restoring emotional intimacy after it is lost can be a lot tougher than working hard to preserve it along the way.  

Questions and Tips For Building Intimacy In Your Relationship

What Is Emotional Intimacy?

Emotional intimacy is generally defined as a closeness in which both partners feel secure and loved and in which trust and communication abounds.   When you are emotionally intimate with your spouse, you may feel as if you can see into the other’s soul, knowing their hopes, dreams, and fears and understanding them at a deep level.

Having strong emotional bonds in a marriage relationship is important and worth the effort. Taking steps to strengthen emotional intimacy in marriage demonstrates your commitment to a long, strong, and happy marriage.  

A strong marriage helps you to be better as both as a spouse and as an individual, as well as being an amazing husband.

What Is a Lack of Emotional Intimacy?

Often, couples don’t recognize the signs when emotional intimacy is lacking. For example, a spouse may be blindsided when a husband announces that they want to leave the marriage. Looking back more closely over the years of their marriage, they may recall times when there was an emotional distance between them.

Sometimes, couples don’t develop emotional intimacy in the first place or lose it after a while. Ideally, both partners will work on maintaining and building intimacy. It’s important to recognize your part in building emotional intimacy and being emotionally available.  

Relationships that lack emotional intimacy are often characterized by a lack of trust, poor communication, secrets, and hidden emotions.

How to Increase Intimacy

If your marriage seems to be lacking in emotional intimacy, there are a number of things that you and your partner can do to strengthen and deepen emotional intimacy.  

Silence the Electronics

Deep and meaningful emotional intimacy in a relationship depends on the quality of human interaction. Texting and emailing are important ways for you to get practical things done and to stay in touch when you are apart and too busy to talk.

Consider turning off the computer, television, video game console, cell phone, and tablet when you are together. Spend time talking, sharing, and looking at each other. One tool that many successful couples use is silencing their cell phones and dropping them in a little basket or box by the door as they come home and agreeing to leave them off for at least an hour or two when they are together.

Electronic communication can be a barrier to real emotional intimacy. Work emails, social media, and entertainment can be never-ending and easily grow into distracting habits that interfere with your solid, human, one-on-one interaction.

Be Emotionally Available

After years together, couples inevitably learn what might hurt their partners. Kind and loving partners who avoid hurting each other help each other feel loved, valued, and safe. When we make the environment safe for our spouses, emotional intimacy finds its place.

Unfortunately, many people have experienced hostility from those who they trusted, felt unloved, or learned bad relationship habits. If you have a habit of belittling or emotionally attacking those who are close to you, these habits will sabotage intimacy, creating a wall in your marriage.  

Increase Your Time Together

It can be hard to find time together as a couple. Having children in the home can often magnify that difficulty. Consider having a cup of coffee together at a set time every weekend so that can help you feel relaxed and able to engage in good conversation.

One family therapist shared the idea of committing 30 minutes each evening to uninterrupted time with a spouse after the kids are in bed. During this time, take care of tasks together, like dishes and grocery shopping, so that things can get done faster and you can spend more time together as partners.

A weekly date night, lunch together once or twice a week, or regular walks around your neighborhood can increase the time you spend together. Making time to focus on each other without the kids or other distractions is critical to maintaining emotional intimacy.

Read a Book Together

Reading a book together and discussing what you are reading can be a good vehicle for increasing emotional intimacy. There are some great books about strengthening marriage that you can read together, but you can also choose a novel, biography, or a book about a common interest.

The fact that you are reading together and talking about what you read can strengthen the trust and communication aspects of emotional intimacy, giving you a chance to share your feelings and insights without judging each other.

Seek a Balance Between Self and Couple

The strongest marriage relationships have two interdependent partners. Each one has rich hobbies, a professional life, or a social life, and they come together to invest in the marriage relationship.

Too much togetherness can be a bad thing if it deprives the relationship of the energy and experiences that interdependence brings. So, make sure to engage in some good self-care as a husband and father, and allow your spouse to do the same. And then come together as a secure and trusting couple.

Put Together a “Fun List”

Counselor Dr. Tony Ferretti recommends that couples assemble a list of things that the couple enjoys doing together, and then carve out time to do the things on the fun list. Spending time in pursuits you enjoy together can build shared memories and experiences while strengthening emotional intimacy.

Think about things you did when you were dating or newlyweds that made you enjoy time together, and consider putting them on your fun list. Explore activities that you have always wanted to try. Then make sure that you are doing something on the fun list on a regular basis.

Consider Marriage Enrichment Activities

Most communities, churches, and civic organizations hold marriage enrichment classes or marriage retreats for couples. A lot of couples find that this kind of investment in their relationship pays big dividends.

Getting into a structured setting with other couples and a professional counselor or clergy can really help develop a deeper and stronger marriage relationship. This kind of focused commitment to improving emotional intimacy can be a big investment of time but may bring significant returns.

Get Help If You Need It

If you feel your emotional relationship heading downward, you may want to consider seeking help from a family therapist. You may have grown apart, hurt each other without meaning to, avoided intimacy for personal reasons, or become distracted by the demands of life. These problems can often be solved with dedication, time, and sincere attention.  

In This Article

Is your marriage marred with lack of emotional intimacy?

Emotional intimacy can mean many things, and the term does not have any one definition.

Rather, emotional intimacy regards the way in which we relate to our partners, the level of mutual respect and trust, the feelings of kinship and physical closeness, the way we communicate, how we handle emotional conflict, emotional control and intelligence, and of course, romance and love.

However, lack of emotional intimacy or lack of emotional connection in relationship between couples spells dimness in marriage.

This article centers on bonding and romance as elements that are synonymous with emotional intimacy in marriage and answers the question, how to build emotional intimacy in marriage.

What is emotional intimacy?

If we look at emotional intimacy definition in the strictest sense, it means a closeness between couples where they can openly share personal feelings, expectations, along with a demonstration of caring, understanding, affirmation, and vulnerability.

Married couples often find themselves despairing when, in time, they feel as if they have lost touch with one another, that the marriage has become boring or dull, or that they do not have the closeness, affection, or romance that they feel they should have with their spouses. This can be referred to as lack of intimacy in marriage.

Marital therapists address the topic of lack of emotional intimacy every day; and typically reassure couples that the sense described above is absolutely normal.

Many believe that love should be just like a fairy tale; that “the one” we marry is meant to be, and that our feelings of attachment and adoration will last forever and ever if they are right.

This type of thinking is one of the hallmarks of erroneous thinking in our culture. Even those of us that feel we “know better” may have something lurking deep in our subconscious, telling us that if we married our true love, we should never be feeling this way.

No intimacy in marriage?

What is the first step to overcome lack of intimacy in relationship?

The first thing you should do to fix lack of intimacy is eradicate stereotypes like this one immediately, and start taking a practical approach to the problem.

Though it may not seem so, you worked harder for love while courting your partner than you ever have since.

Your appearance was better, you put more energy into the perfect date, the perfect dinner, the perfect birthday cake – whatever happened during that time, you put in large amounts of energy. Since then, you were married and things were going well. Then you were going through the motions for awhile. Maybe you didn’t have sex as often.

Or, maybe you didn’t take as much time grooming. Maybe now you are seated on the sofa eating bon-bons and watching Oprah. Seriously though, you are going to have to work hard again, like you did during courtship, to bring emotional intimacy back into the picture.

Now that you know a lack of emotional intimacy isn’t the end of the world, you can start the process of introducing – or reintroducing- the tools that make love grow.

Reflect on your happy time together

No affection in marriage? If you are looking for a definite answer to the question, how to bring back intimacy in a marriage, then you need to make overcoming emotional intimacy issues your focal point, instead of letting lack of emotional intimacy in marriage ravages your marital happiness.

Understanding your partner’s love language and love affirmations for couples can come handy if you wish to resolve lack of emotional intimacy in your marriage.

Some practitioners in marital therapy recommend you do this daily to remedy lack of emotional intimacy; keeping it positive, repeating affirmations, and simply meditating on the idea that you are putting forth the energy that will restart romance.

It has been proven that what we truly believe, and put energy to, can be manifested. Same holds true for fixing lack of emotional intimacy.

Take note on things you did while happy together

To overcome lack of emotional intimacy, revisit old, happy memories.

What did he do for you that made you smile? What did you do for him? During what moments did you feel the happiest, most connected, or most romantic? In what moments do you think you both felt high passion, mutually?

Write down as many as you can think of. Consider what made these moments special; what gave you the warm and fuzzy feelings?

Spending quality time can make a difference

No emotional intimacy in marriage? It is difficult to survive a marriage without emotional intimacy. To turn lack of emotional intimacy on its head, allocate a dedicated time slot for quality time together.

For coping with lack of intimacy in marriage, the most obvious place to start with your spouse will be allocating some dedicated time together.

If you want to bring back the passion, you need to spend time together, like you used to.

To cope with lack of affection in marriage, figure out ahead of time how you will make it special. What will you do that will bring back the fun like old times? What do the both of you need to do first?

Whether going out to the movies, reminiscing on old photographs together, or eating dinner by candlelight, or even washing each other’s backs tonight, you will have started adding emotional intimacy by the process of re-connection.

In This Article

Are marriage intimacy problems gnawing at your relationship happiness?

Meet Mary. Mary has been happily married to her second husband for 4 years, and is raising two children from her previous marriage.

Mary’s first marriage failed miserably. She and her partner were incompatible, but that wasn’t the only reason. Rather than enjoying college life, she chose to get married at 18. Big mistake. And yet, her first marriage taught her valuable lessons on how to survive in a relationship and how to fix marriage intimacy problems instead of running away from them.

Here’s what she learned about overcoming marriage intimacy problems

Stop pushing to fix intimacy problems in your marriage

The moment Mary’s kids were born, her relationship changed completely.

With a newborn to take care of, it’s only natural for a couple to spend less time together. But for her, intimacy was almost non-existent.

Several years later, she noticed a universal trend among men. Push them to do something and they’ll do exactly the opposite (…although, according to Mary, this may very well apply to women as well).

Since she didn’t understand her problems or how to deal with them, she became pushy.

She was constantly nagging about the lack of attention, asking her partner if she was unattractive to him, and even accusing him of cheating. None of these issues were true of course, but it was the only way she knew how to relieve her anxiety and make sure they were still doing alright. She wanted reassurance.

Yes, she was 18 and had a motley of marriage intimacy problems affecting her peace of mind and marital bliss.

And yet, it took another 10 years for her to realize she was actually making matters worse. She now knows that understanding and patience make up the first step of fixing intimacy problems in marriage.

Let go of your insecurities

If you’ve ever been worried about getting naked in front of your spouse, join the club.

Apprehensions about body flaws like cellulite, scars, moles, freckles or visible veins, stretch marks are not really flaws, but since people are obsessed with images of airbrushed, perfect looking bodies, the idea leads to serious marriage intimacy problems between couples.

It’s common for women (and even men!) to feel insecure when getting undressed in the presence of their partner. What’s worse though is that it’s not your clothes that are holding you back; it’s your own fears that keep you from establishing a deep emotional connection with your spouse. After all, if you’re unable to open up, are you truly ready for intimacy?

Lack of intimacy in marriage stems from these unfounded fears about body flaws which are not actually flaws that need any fixing, to begin with.

What Mary realized during her previous marriage is that men don’t really care about muffin tops, saggy skin or other imperfections.

Intimacy between two people goes beyond the shallow walls of your appearance. Embracing this wisdom alone can slay most of the marriage intimacy problems.

Consider Julia Roberts’ famous line in Eat Pray Love: “Have you ever been naked in front of man and he’s asked you to leave?” Unlikely. Insecurity can do more harm than you think. It can cause intimacy issues like resentment, trust issues and overall dissatisfaction with your relationship. No intimacy in marriage weakens the bond that solidifies a marriage.

Accept yourself for who you are – life is too precious to spend it worrying about how you look. Maybe easier said than done, but a goal worth striving for.

Don’t let jealousy get the better of you

During the first two years of her marriage Mary was consumed with jealousy and that led to a slew of marriage intimacy problems.

It even got to the point where she didn’t speak to her ex-husband for days if he so much as looked in another girl’s direction. Over time, this feeling of jealousy became uncontrollable and affected every part of her relationship. It was a relationship without intimacy. No intimacy in marriage consequences for her were dire. Soon the effects of lack of intimacy in a relationship led to irreconcilable differences, where restoring intimacy in marriage seemed off the table.

They didn’t share many moments of closeness with each other, lack of intimacy crept in and as a result, they drifted apart, with marriage intimacy problems gaining a prominent space in their lives.

The turning point for Mary was a conversation she had with her sister who went through pretty much the same thing. ”There will always be someone more beautiful, more intelligent and more charming than you.

So why waste your time thinking about it?” She was absolutely right.

Intimacy in marriage is not about your appearance or what happens between the sheets. Marital intimacy is about mutual understanding, looking beyond the imperfections of your significant other and ultimately, getting to know each other on a deeper level. A marriage without intimacy turns frail, with intimacy problems replacing love and affection in marriage.

How to overcome intimacy issues

Intimacy problems in marriage include misaligned sex drives, lack of satisfaction, uneasiness during sex or ongoing intimacy disorders due to past fears of abuse or abandonment, or traumatized childhood – all or any of these conditions make it difficult for a person to establish intimacy with their partner.

To answer the question, how to fix intimacy problems in a marriage, it is important to recognize signs of intimacy issues in your marriage or relationship.

If your wife avoids intimacy, or there is no intimacy in marriage from husband, find out how much more there is to learn about the person you’re spending your life with, and you’ll soon discover that jealousy, pushiness and insecurities have no place in a healthy, intimate relationship.

Following these tips on how to bring back intimacy in a marriage and seeking an expert therapist can help you in overcoming fear of intimacy and restoring marriage happiness.

It’s Spring — and the wedding season is upon us! Happily engaged couples have found their true love, and are eager to enjoy a lifetime of intimacy. Yet, once the honeymoon stage is over, many couples find that intimacy eludes them.

While intimacy is essential to a happy marriage, many of us find it difficult to define and conceptualize. Intimacy means different things to different people, and it’s not a term we use very often.

What is intimacy?

Intimacy is defined as: a close, familiar, affectionate and loving personal relationship; detailed knowledge or deep understanding of something; the quality of being comfortable, warm, or familiar with someone.

Marital intimacy encompasses being known on all levels: physical, emotional, mental, social, spiritual and sexual. Intimacy both creates and requires mutual trust and acceptance. It is the avenue to achieving a sense of “oneness” in your marriage.

Doesn’t this sound like what every couple hopes for at the beginning of their journey together? Truly, one of the joys of marriage is the opportunity to develop and nurture healthy intimacy.

Why, then, do so many of us struggle to find the quality of intimacy we long for?

What is healthy intimacy?

I have observed four primary detriments to establishing healthy intimacy in relationships. Once identified, couples can confront and overcome them.

Here are some factors that can prevent you from enjoying complete intimacy with your spouse.

1. Misunderstanding

“Intimacy” is often mistakenly used synonymously with the word “sex,” and doing so results in spouses ignoring the non-sexual, yet equally important, aspects of intimacy.

Healthy intimacy is established through a balance of physical, emotional, spiritual and mental closeness.

Ignorance and misinformation about intimacy are further exacerbated by the unhealthy sexualized portrayals of intimacy in the media.

At the opposite end of the lust-fueled media are feelings of taboo that surround sex. Most of us did not have parents who knew how to talk to us about sex, much less intimacy. Or, we simply may have lacked proper role modeling of healthy marital intimacy from our parents.

2. Abuse or early exposure to sex

On average, 1 in 7 boys are sexually abused as children. For girls, the rate almost doubles to 1 in 4. Children whose first sexual experience is imposed, coerced or forced often have distorted expectations and concepts of safe, healthy intimacy.

Children who have experienced emotional abuse will also struggle to establish loving, trusting intimacy in their relationships.

The same consequence can occur for children who were introduced to sex at a developmentally inappropriate time, through exposure to pornography, R-rated movies, and profane and suggestive lyrics.

Healing from these experiences is needed to clear the way for a healthy intimate relationship as an adult.

3. Sexual Addiction

Healthy intimacy is compromised by sexual addiction, a progressive disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts that cause distress for the individual and their loved ones.

Symptoms of sexual addiction can cover a range of sex-related behaviors: pornography, masturbation, phone or computer sex, sexual encounters, fantasy sex, exhibitionism and voyeurism. These patterns of sexual behaviors outside of marriage severely harm the relationship. Healthy intimacy can be re-learned and replace the addictive behaviors, if the addict seeks and receives professional treatment.

4. Intimacy Anorexia

Withholding love, affection, praise, sex, feelings and spiritual connection are behaviors that signal a person has intimacy anorexia. Intimacy anorexia is type of relationship addiction (a condition in which a person has a need for love yet repeatedly enters into or creates dysfunctional relationships), and often is associated with sexual addictions. Its goal is self-protection and counters the vulnerability needed to create intimacy.

With sexual addiction, a person “acts out” unhealthy sexual behaviors. With intimacy anorexia, a person “acts in” by withholding connection from their partner in a variety of ways. The active withholding of intimacy causes great pain to the partner and emotional stunting to the addict. It prevents the relationship from flourishing and, eventually, the marriage dies.

Usually, when a marriage dissolves due to intimacy anorexia, outsiders and even the children may be taken by surprise. Intimacy anorexia is often a condition that couples keep well hidden.

Dealing with the issue

Couples with unhealthy intimacy are not alone in their struggles. Many couples endure similar heartache. The spectrum of unhealthy intimacy is wide, but whether your pain is extreme or mild, you are experiencing heartache nonetheless. The root of the pain must be addressed before your relationship can move forward to a healthier, happier, more intimate place.

Addressing the four primary detriments to healthy intimacy has been proven to facilitate healing for any couple on the spectrum of unhealthy intimacy – if the couple has the desire to improve. At the foundation of overcoming unhealthy intimacy is the couple’s desire to preserve the marriage and family. If one or both partners feel hopeless, then recovery is difficult. However, couples with even the smallest spark of desire to recover can begin the healing process. I have seen couples begin treatment with very little hope, yet engage in the process, and ultimately repair their marriage. It can happen for you, too.

The first step toward recovery is to confront harmful ways of thinking and behaving, and replace them with healthier methods. Seek appropriate, proven psycho-educational resources such as books, videos, and couples’ workshops.

Developing and establishing healthy intimacy is a transformative journey for every couple. While difficult and painful for many, it is well-worth the effort as you seek a brighter, more loving future and leave behind distortions, abuse and misinformation.

By Sara LeDuc on Aug 06, 2020

Maintaining a marriage is tough work. Between crazy schedules, demanding jobs, and busy home lives, it can be difficult to keep the spice in your marriage and to keep things fresh and exciting. However, being intimate with your husband or wife is an important part of staying connected and maintaining a healthy relationship. If the two of you have recently let your sex life slip, don’t worry! There are ways to fix a sexless marriage and to ramp up the spice in practically no time at all.

Get to the Root of the Problem

Every marriage is different, and the reasons behind not having regular sex are different for each couple. While one pair may not be prioritizing it in their schedule, another may have a lack of desire or even hormonal imbalances. Talk about why you’re not having regular sex so that you can better address the actual issue rather than just skirt around it.

Don’t Assume There’s no Interest

It can be easy to assume that your spouse is too busy, too tired, or just plain disinterested in sex as time goes on. However, making that assumption is a slippery slope and can lead to a lack of intimacy. Give them a chance to show their interest by initiating small tokens of affection and talking about sex openly.

Go Back to Dating

Dating one another like the good ol’ days in the beginning of your relationship can help you reconnect and get some of your spark back. Schedule romantic date nights and make them “distraction-free” without your phones nearby, to give you a chance to truly enjoy each other’s company. The more you can connect on a mental level, the more prone you’ll be to wanting to connect physically, too.

Put it on the Calendar

Especially if you’re lacking in the sex department because of busy schedules, it could be useful to start putting intimacy time on your calendar, whether it be mental or physical. Chat with your spouse about when works best for both of you and stick to the scheduled time you’ve set aside so that you get into a routine of having regular sex.

Participate in all Types of Intimacy

Sex isn’t the only way to connect physically. Sometimes, taking part in different intimate acts can drastically help a couple’s sex life. Consider taking a shower or bath together, giving each other sexy massages, or simply having a heavy make out session. Doing these things is exciting and can help ignite an old spark that leads to further intimacy.

Don’t Compare Your Sex Life to Others’

Whether you’re comparing your sex life to that of a friend or to what you see on TV, doing so can be damaging for your own intimacy routines and confidence in the bedroom. Focus on what your sex life is like and what works for you as a couple rather than feeling like you’ll never live up to the sex lives that others portray.

Get out of Your Own Head

It can be easy to get caught up in the worry of whether you’re having sex enough (and if you’re doing it the “right” way or to your spouse’s satisfaction). But being so mentally engrained in the act of sex can take away from the fun and pleasure of it! Commit to just going with natural feelings and enjoying the physicality of sex rather than focusing on whether it’s going well or achieving a “goal.”

Don’t Blame One Another

Placing blame on one person in the relationship for a lackluster sex life is not effective and only builds resentment within your relationship. Instead, focus on what you’d like to see happen in this department and be positive rather than negative about how you’re going to work together to problem-solve going forward.

Understand that It’s OK to Have Dry Spells

While you may feel pressure to constantly be physically connected with your spouse, it’s also important to know that it’s perfectly normal to experience dry spells. While you don’t want to go too long without intimacy, a dry spell here and there is typically not something to worry about.

While a sexless marriage is definitely something that prompts worry, take solace in the fact that there are many ways to fix this issue, to get your spark back in the bedroom and, in turn, have a better relationship because of it!

There may come a point in your marriage when you notice that you aren’t having as much sex as you used to (because. life). You might wonder how much sex is considered healthy and whether or not you should be concerned, especially if you would never describe your union as loveless. According to a report from the General Social Survey, the average married couple has sex about 58 times per year, or a little more than once per week. This falls in line with a 2017 study from the Archives of Sexual Behavior that surveyed 14,885 married people, aged 18 to 70+, and found that the average married adult, err, goes at it, 56 times a year, or roughly once a week, a decrease from 1989 when it was 67 times per year. However, what’s considered “normal” can vary for many couples, and just because you’re not having sex doesn’t necessarily mean you’re headed for a divorce if you’re both otherwise satisfied.

“Some people will tell you that they have too little sex—and that could mean it’s only three times a week, as in, it used to be three times a day, and now its dropped down considerably,” Dr. Sue Varma, board-certified psychiatrist, couples counselor and sex educator on faculty at NYU Langone Health, says. “Another person may say, wow, I’d do anything to have sex that frequently with my partner. People get into unrealistic comparisons with others over some arbitrary standard.” However, Dr. Varma thinks if you can’t remember the last time you’ve had sex with your partner, then it might be an issue.

“Life would be easier if we could state an actual scientific number of how many times we should have sex but in reality, there is no right answer to this equation, Patrice N. Douglas, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Owner of Empire Counseling & Consultation, says. “Once a week seems to be the ideal for most marriages but sometimes once a month can be healthy as well.”

Okay, so what makes a marriage sexless?

Many experts consider the definition of a sexless marriage as one that engages in sexual intercourse less than 10 times a year. However, Varma prefers not assigning a specific number as there are varying definitions. “Sexual intimacy can take so many forms and expressions and isn’t strictly limited to genital contact in the traditional sense,” Dr. Varma explains. “I would say that the idea of a sexless marriage also alludes to a variety of unmet needs.” Needs, of course, range from person to person. So it’s important for you and your partner to let each other know if yours are not being met.

Having less sex during marriage is common.

A 1994 survey in The Social Organization of Sexuality showed that roughly 15 to 20 percent of married couples are in a sexless relationship. Many different factors can contribute to a decrease in intimacy. There can be life stressors like financial struggles, as well as physical changes such as weight gain or loss that can cause insecurity, and mental health issues, to name a few.

Of course, there can also be issues in the relationship like resentment, infidelity, and boredom. All of these factors can affect the desire to have sex with your spouse. “In the beginning of a relationship, many couples make it a priority to have sex,” Dr. Varma says. “Over time, we become habituated and desensitized to the novelty of it all, and there is a more common, deeper sense of knowing someone.” Douglas adds that droughts are normal.

A sexless marriage can survive.

While there isn’t much research showing the survival rate of a sexless marriage, they don’t always lead to divorce. Though, according to Douglas, a lack of intimacy should still be taken seriously. “While sex does not define or keep a marriage together it can cause additional relationship issues related to anger, isolation, infidelity, and those could end in divorce,” she says. Dr. Varma adds, “If there is conflict and contempt, and one or both partners doesn’t take any responsibility, this can erode trust and love in a relationship.”

What happens in a marriage without intimacy?

Dr. Varma points out that many people end up slowly easing into this change and find it becomes normal. “There are some partners who don’t have sex—they have resigned themselves into some sort of agreement,” Dr. Varma says. She also says some stay together because they feel it’s better than separating or are too afraid to make the effort to change things. Some couples may also feel that the benefits, whether it’s companionship, financial, co-parenting, or security, outweigh the decision to separate. Whereas others just don’t value sex that much, which is also okay.

Sexless marriages can be fixed.

If you’re in a sexless marriage and want to fix it, there is hope. A lot of it is based on communication and a willingness to be open with your needs. Dr. Varma suggests finding a time to speak when both partners are not feeling angry, tired, or stressed. Read: skip the late-night pillow talk.

“Talk about the way it’s making you feel; maybe you are the one who wants to have more sex, better sex or just affection,” she says. And it might sound odd, but making time in your calendar to have sex with your partner can help, “Some people think this is so unsexy,” Dr. Varma points out, adding that you can still be spontaneous even when you’ve made your intentions known. Sending texts that are playful, and flirtatious can help plant the seeds of seduction, she says.

If your partner is the one who is more concerned about the lack of sex, listen to their concerns, be understanding, and make sure you’re willing to communicate. Douglas also says it’s important to create intimacy beyond “sex,” whether it’s with physical affection like hugging, kissing, or caressing of the hair, or with compliments. You can also show your partner that you care by spending time with them, or doing things that might make their day easier.

Sometimes it’s fine if there’s no sex.

Some marriages don’t necessarily need sex, and that’s okay, too. There are plenty of reasons for not having sex, ranging from cultural to health-related, or simply personal preference. “It depends on the relationship,” Douglas says. “Some people don’t engage in sexual intimacy and are fine with it.”

Bottom line: just communicate.

According to Dr. Varma, the reality is that people sometimes have different narratives in their heads. Sex can serve different purposes, whether it’s a form of bonding, a type of expression, connection, intimacy and feeling love and desired. If a partner is connecting these feelings to the act of physical sex, the abscence of it might greatly affect the relationship. Which is why it’s always important to have open communication with each other to make sure you’re on the same page.

Can a marriage survive without intimacy?

Emotional intimacy is very hard when you don’t feel loved or valued by your husband. He has no interest in weekends away; we don’t spend any time together. Mary replies: A simple answer is that yes, a marriage can survive without physical intimacy, and this can happen for a variety of reasons.

What causes intimacy issues in marriage?

Lack of fulfilment

Lack of fulfillment is one of the most major intimacy issues in relationships that plagues marital happiness. In such cases, marriage becomes a pressure rather than a relief, as the constant tension between you and your partner is only increasing with no action.

Can intimacy be restored?

Couples that desire a return of closeness or emotional intimacy, can make that happen by slowing down and dedicating the time and energy that it will take to accomplish it. By restoring the emotional closeness and intimacy, many couples will notice an improvement in their sex life.

What happens when you lose intimacy in a marriage?

While sex is not the most defining factor in relationship happiness, sex and intimacy missing in your marriage can lead to serious relationship issues like anger, infidelity, communication breakdown, lack of self-esteem and isolation – all of which can ultimately lead to irreparable damage to the relationship, ending

When to call it quits on your marriage?

When it comes to deciding if it’s time to call quits on the marriage Anzab some signs to be aware of: “If you have made all attempts to salvage your relationship yet continue to feel indifferent, have emotionally checked out, if staying in the relationship is toxic to your emotional and physical well-being, if you or

How often do 50 year old married couples make love?

How often do you and your partner make love? 31 percent of couples have sex several times a week; 28 percent of couples have sex a couple of times a month; and 8 percent of couples have sex once a month.

What causes loss of intimacy?

Some other potential causes of fear of intimacy are:

• previous verbal or physical abuse.
• parental neglect.
• separation issues involving overdependence on parents and family.
• fear of being controlled or losing oneself in a relationship.

What are the four types of intimacy?

There are four types of intimacy:

1. Experiential Intimacy: When people bond during leisure activities.
2. Emotional Intimacy: When people feel safe sharing their feelings with each other, even uncomfortable ones.
3. Intellectual Intimacy: When people feel comfortable sharing ideas and opinions, even when they disagree.

How often do married couples make love?

However, another study, printed in The University of Chicago Press about 10 years ago, stated that married couples are having sex about seven times a month, which is a little less than twice a week.

Does sexless marriage justify adultery?

A sexless marriage does not ever justify infidelity. Infidelity does not lead to anything good. Cheaters always get caught and it causes great distress for both partners and could possibly ruin any chance of relationship healing. INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART!

Why does my husband not want to make love to me?

Physical Problems Can Make a Husband Not Want Sex

If he will, get him to talk to the doctor. Some medications can lower his sex drive. He could also have low testosterone. In other cases, their sex drive is lower because the husband has had impotence issues and he’s afraid to try again.

Why has my husband lost interest in me sexually?

Causes. The causes for the loss of sexual interest can be many, including stress,2 depression, erectile dysfunction, hormone imbalances (spurred by menopause and hypogonadism),3 genital pain (such as vaginismus or balanitis),4 chronic illness, medications, low self-esteem, and relationship problems.

About 15 percent of married couples have not been intimate with their spouse for between six months and a year, says Denise A. Donnelly, associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University. This may come as some comfort to you if you are in a relationship where sex has slipped down your list of priorities — at least you are not the only couple experiencing a lack of intimacy. There are many reasons for a sexless relationship, and several things you can do to find more intimacy with the person you love.

Kindling the Relationship

You may find that spending quality time together is all you need to relight the fire. Arrange a weekend away just for the two of you, without children, careers and the obligations of everyday life. If you can’t afford a romantic hotel, re-create the setting at home. Arrange for a friend or relative to take your children for a couple of nights, turn off your cellphones and agree to focus on one another — and your relationship — for the whole weekend. Cook a meal together and watch your favorite movies. Talk to one another about what’s going on in your lives and what your dreams are for the future. Light candles and give each other relaxing massages.

Seeking Causes

Working out the reason for the lack of intimacy is crucial if prioritizing one another does not improve the situation. Be honest with yourself and think carefully about your role in the relationship before you approach your partner. If you have lost interest in sex and regularly reject his advances, consider counseling or therapy to help you get to the root of the problem. You may have low self-esteem or bear the scars from a previous unhealthy relationship. If there is another problem in the relationship, such as stress, debt or infidelity, this may have lead to the deterioration of your sex life. Some couples simply get bored with each other after a time and stop making the effort when it comes to sex and intimacy.

What Not To Do

A lack of intimacy in a relationship can lead to feelings of rejection, hurt, frustration and anger, says couples counselor Elly Prior. These emotions can make people react in certain ways, which way not be good for the relationship. Avoid trying to force your partner into being more intimate with you, obsessing over the lack of intimacy or blaming your partner for everything. This can lead to paranoia and conflict, and any issues will be exacerbated rather than resolved.

Opening Up

Talking to your partner about your sex life is the only way to make things better. Be honest with each other about how you feel and what you want. It’s not always easy to talk about sex to the person you love, particularly if you have endured a lengthy period of no sex. Donnelly suggests seeking professional help to open the lines of communication. Look for a couples counselor or sex therapist who has experience helping couples deal with a lack of intimacy.

In This Article

Being married to your best friend is wonderful, but when you feel more like friends than lovers, that’s when things can start to unravel. Intimacy is an important part of a marriage and without it, you can feel as if you’re living with a roommate rather than your spouse.

Before you can understand intimacy issues and how to overcome intimacy issues in your marriage , you need to know what intimacy in marriage is. The conception of the term intimacy mostly varies between men and women, where men associate intimacy in marriage with sex and women associate it with an emotional connection.

However, intimacy in a marriage or a relationship is actually a culmination of both the emotional and physical feelings, which you can openly express to your partner without feeling vulnerable.

No intimacy in marriage or a marriage without intimacy sooner than later is the reason for the demise of that relationship. Be it physical or emotional, the survival of any marriage is contingent upon how intimate the couple is.

Some of the common intimacy problems or the signs of intimacy issues that couples face during the course of their marriage are:

• Unable to meet each other’s sexual expectations
• Stress and tension
• Awkwardness during sex
• Different libidos or mismatched intimacy levels
• Exhaustion
• Unrealistic sexual needs
• Validation through sex
• Fear of intimacy
• Avoiding intimacy

Once you have established the intimacy disorders that you are dealing with, the effects of a lack of intimacy in a relationship would also become quite obvious. Some of the effects of a lack of intimacy in marriage or lack of intimacy in a relationship are as follows:

• Feeling isolated and distant
• Unable to communicate your emotions properly
• Living vastly separate lives
• Less or no sex
• No shared interests and hobbies
• Fostering resentment and anger

Now that we know about the causes, let’s discover how to fix intimacy problems in a marriage

Being in a relationship without intimacy or living in a marriage without intimacy is by far the worst thing that can happen to anyone, so how come married couples often find themselves at this juncture in their relationship?

So, how to bring back intimacy in a marriage ? Fortunately, there are things that you can do to restore intimacy in a marriage.

1. Talk to each other

It’s so simple yet so many couples fail to do it. Communication is key in any relationship , but all too often we let our hectic lives and responsibilities get in the way.

Before you know it you’ve gone from staying up all night talking when dating to barely mustering a grunt here and there. And the longer this goes on, the more resentful you become until you’re living like strangers under the same roof.

Take the time to talk to your partner about their day and to share about yours. While talking about the kids and schedules is important, it’s also important to talk to each other like people. Share a laugh, share your goals and dreams, and enjoy communicating.

2. Touch

This is about more than just sex. It’s about a kiss when they get home from work, a hand on the knee when sitting watching television together, and even just a caress of the arm when passing each other in the kitchen.

The way you touch is what sets your relationship with your partner apart from your relationship with anyone else. If you think back to when you first fell in love, chances are that you touched every chance you got, which is why you used to feel so connected.

Get back to that place by connecting with them physically , in and out of the bedroom.

3. Have fun together

Ask yourself, ‘When was the last time you and your partner had fun together?’ How much fun are you to come home to? To get as far as falling in love and getting married, you must have shared some fun times together.

Don’t let work and life get in the way of having fun. Take time to do enjoyable things together as a couple. Take a road trip, go to a movie, and try something new. Sharing an adventure together bonds you by giving you an experience that’s just yours.

If you have children, remember that while family fun is important, it’s equally important for you and your partner to have fun as a couple.

4. Say I love you

It’s just three little words, but they’re powerful enough to change the way you and your partner see each other. Men and women both want to feel loved and saying I love you is the easiest way to do it.

Say it before you go to sleep at night; say it with a kiss, or scribble it on a sticky note and leave it their bag. Even a simple email or call in the middle of the day to say I love you can make their heart (and desire) swell because it shows them that you’re thinking of them and makes them feel cherished.

5. Make eye contact

Distractions and even the lack of intimacy itself can make it difficult to look your partner in the eye, but doing so can make all the difference. Eye contact does several things: show that you’re listening so that your partner knows you’re interested in what they have to say and feels heard.

It also creates instant intimacy because you’re focused on each other in that moment and nothing else. Look your partner in the eye when speaking to each other, when holding each other, and even just for no reason at all.

These seemingly simple steps will go a long way if you want to fix intimacy problems in marriage.

“What do you think the word “intimacy” means?” asked the marriage retreat leader. After we all took a miserable stab at defining the word, she responded with, “In-to-me-see. Intimacy is seeing into each other’s life. It’s knowing each other’s strengths and weaknesses. It’s being aware of each others fears, hopes, and dreams.”

Many of us define intimacy in marriage as sex and while that is certainly a valuable part of the marriage relationship, a healthy marriage has to have emotional intimacy to go the distance.

What exactly is emotional intimacy? Emotional intimacy occurs when there is enough trust and communication between you and your spouse that it allows you both to share your innermost selves. Deep emotional intimacy is when we feel wholly accepted, respected, and admired in the eyes of our mate even when they know our innermost struggles and failures. Emotional intimacy fosters compassion and support, providing a firm foundation for a marriage to last a lifetime.

Too many marriages today try to exist without emotional intimacy. Over time a marriage lacking intimacy will become empty, lifeless, and the husband and wife will find distance in their relationship. Emotional intimacy is the glue that holds relationships together, yet it is challenging for many of us to experience.

Why is it hard to develop emotional intimacy? First, there’s the fear of rejection. (If I share the essence of who I really am, you might criticize or reject the real me.) Second, there’s unfamiliarity with our own feelings, needs, or wants. (If I’m not sure what I feel or need, how can I share it with you?) Third, there’s a lack of vocabulary to communicate our feelings accurately or to verbalize exactly what we want or need. (If I don’t know the words to describe what I’m feeling or needing, then it’s easier to just keep my thoughts to myself.) Fourth, we expect our spouse to just know. (You can read my mind, can’t you?)

The question we need to ask is, “Do we have to live this way all of our lives?” And the answer to that is “Absolutely not!” Even after 23 years of marriage, my husband and I are discovering that emotional intimacy is a place where we need to grow and deepen our relationship. We’re taking these steps to strengthen our relationship:

• Pay attention to your own emotions. Many of us have two words to describe our emotions: happy or angry. But there are dozens of emotions that fall in between those words. Become familiar with emotions by reading up on the subject and paying attention to what really goes on inside of you. You might even want to keep a journal of your thoughts and emotions throughout the day.
• Become familiar with your “inner self.” What are the messages that run in your mind throughout the day? Where do you feel you don’t measure up so you fear being vulnerable? How has your pace of life been a false place of safety for you to keep an emotional distance from others because there just isn’t time?
• Evaluate your past. Take a walk back to your childhood and consider the emotional connectedness of the family you grew up in. Was it ok to express feelings in your home? Did your family really know one another or were they simply operating as roommates living under one roof?
• Determine to be a “safe” person for your spouse to share his/her emotions, thoughts, and feelings with. If you are characterized by criticism or trying to fix your spouse, you will close the door on inviting him/her to share.
• Increase the time you spend together as a couple. Intimacy can’t be created without spending time talking not just about the events of the day, but also how you feel about the events of the day.
• Deal with conflict swiftly. Don’t resort to the silent treatment or snide remarks. Learn to “fight fair” by getting the issue out on the table and dealing with it with respect. This will grow trust and deepen intimacy.
• Get help. You may find that a marriage counselor is helpful in launching you and your spouse into new emotional territory. If you struggle with emotional intimacy more than your spouse, a few private counseling sessions might help you learn some things about yourself and move from where you are to where you want to be.

When you and your spouse exchanged vows years ago, your passion for each other was your primary focus. After 25 years of marriage, though, problems are likely to arise. If the two of you have settled into a routine that feels lifeless and stressful, tackling the problems one at a time can help to reinvigorate the love you once knew.

Resentment

Over time, you and your spouse may have become too comfortable with each other. When partners begin neglecting each other’s needs, avoiding conversation and taking advantage of each other’s time, feelings of resentment are bound to occur. In fact, according to Dr. John Grohol, founder and CEO of Psych Central, resentful emotions occur when couples feel the relationship is unequal. As a couple, you must find a way to compromise and encourage each other’s hobbies and interests while also respecting individuality. To demonstrate your appreciation, show interest in your spouse’s passions.

Poor Communication

Poor communication is one of the biggest marital problems couples in long-term relationships experience. According to Susan Brown, California-based licensed clinical social worker, partners married for 25 or more years get in the habit of communicating their own points of view instead of actively listening to what the other partner thinks and feels. Active listening entails processing what your spouse says while providing verbal and nonverbal validations, such as a comforting touch, head nod or a validating phrase, such as “I’m sure that was difficult.” If partners actively listen to each other when communicating, they show genuine care that can help them work through any marital problem.

Infidelity

One devastating blow to a long-term marriage is infidelity. Extramarital affairs happen for a variety of reasons. Many people look outside their marriages for intimacy when their needs are not met or to escape the difficulties or responsibilities of their primary partnerships, according to Brown. When a spouse strays and is involved in a romantic affair with another, all trust is lost within the marriage. According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, however, many marriages survive infidelity and even become stronger when couples engage in marriage counseling.

Lack of Intimacy

After 25 years, the toll of juggling work obligations, household duties, and activities with children and grandchildren can take the excitement out of your love life. Partners tend to get into a routine that lacks intimacy or time for each other. Make your spouse a priority, recommends Maud Purcell, LCSW, CEAP, in “Reviving Your Marriage,” published by Psych Central. If the passion or spark is gone in your marriage, revive it with weekly date nights, scheduled walks through the park or a designated time each day to share something new about yourselves. If your love life is lacking in the bedroom, it’s likely the relationship needs a tune up, suggests Brown. Be proactive and show your spouse you are still attracted with an unexpected display of affection each day.

My husband and I used to say that emotional intimacy was where we needed to grow the most. Not anymore! It’s normal for most couples to experience a lack of intimacy at one time or another, and there’s nothing wrong with that. As long as you are willing to work to grow and build more intimacy.

If you go out to dinner with your husband and all you talk about are superficial things like what you should order for dinner, then you might be in trouble. Here is the one major thing we learned that helped us overcome a lack of intimacy and become more intimate.

Studies show that self-disclosure is the key to intimacy.

One definition for self-disclosure is “the process of communication by which one person reveals information about himself or herself to another. The information can include thoughts, feelings, aspirations, goals, failures, successes, fears, and dreams, as well as one’s likes, dislikes, and favorites.”

According to research, the more couples disclose private thoughts and feelings and personal things about their goals or fears or dreams to one another, the happier they tend to be. Conversely, when a relationship is struggling, couples stop sharing these things with one another, and they revert back to small talk about superficial things. Start disclosing today by using our Q & U app.

The importance of the listener responding affirmatively

Studies show that self-disclosure depends on both parties to achieve greater intimacy. While the person sharing plays an important role, the listener plays an equal part. It’s essential that the listener shows support and responds in affirming ways. For example, if I reveal to my husband that I cry every time I see or hear an inspirational story of someone overcoming an obstacle, and he validates me and responds positively, I automatically feel closer to him. However, it can work in the opposite way too if the listener isn’t sensitive and doesn’t respond positively; if he were to argue with me and tell me I shouldn’t be so emotional, then I would feel that he doesn’t understand me. I might interpret his response to mean it isn’t safe to self-disclose and I might stop sharing with him other things that are important to me. If this is happening in your relationship, talk to him about it first, and if things don’t change, seek counsel. A counselor can help you both learn better communication skills. Also, here are some helpful tips for talking through conflict.

If physical intimacy is where you need to grow in your relationship…

Try talking to your partner about your desire to grow in this area. Share your thoughts, feelings and fears about this area with him. Communicating about your needs and your feelings is important for both of you to practice. This type of self-disclosure can bring you closer emotionally, while also contributing to helping you grow in your physical intimacy. If you’re interested in other ways to connect emotionally, here are some other ideas.

Readers, we’d love to hear how you think more self-disclosure can benefit your relationship?

Cassandra Soars has published various national magazine articles on a wide range of topics, including life in Mozambique, Africa, where she lived for five years. Her first book Love Like Fire: The Story of Heidi Baker is available on Amazon.

When emotional intimacy disappears in a marriage it can become loveless

Some people will stay in a loveless marriage because of the children as they do not want the children to experience separation or divorce. Other times, financial burdens or limitations keep you from breaking away. And there are those that will stay due to the commitment to the marriage. Some believe that marriage should be forever, and do their best to make it work. There are strategies that you could use to cope with these type of marriages which I will touch on again. It is also important that you do rerralise that you do not have to stay in a relationship that is not healthy for you. You can turn a marriage without love completely around with a little bit of effort, openness, and patience. I’ll discuss this more in the following article.

Don’t Define Your Marriage Based On Others’ Expectations:

First off, I hate the phrase “loveless marriage.” Because this almost implies that there never was any love between the spouses or that there never will be. This perception is limited and does little to help the cause. It’s far more favorable to accept that your marriage is going through a rough patch right now which is manifesting itself as a lack of intimacy. But, that doesn’t mean that you can’t manufacture or reignite these feelings. When you have a tendency to make assumptions it will create problems and will not resolve anything for you.

It is very important that you do not concern yourself with others thoughts or expectations. Your marriage is your concern not anybody elses, the way the media portrays relationships that we should be all over each other all the time, then if this is not the case then there is something wrong. With that said, most married couples do have a bond and a commitment that binds them which is based on shared feelings of intimacy, closeness, and understanding. If these components are lacking doesnt mean that there is something wrong with you. All this signifies is that you do have work to do. There is no need to concern yourself with other peoples expectations regarding your marriage. Only you and your partner can decide this. Dont allow others to make you feel that you lack or do something else or please others. What is it you and your partner need to feel happy and feel connected, focus on this.

Why You (And Your Family) Deserve So Much More Than A Loveless Marriage:

Many people stay in this type of marriage because they think that it’s the best thing for the kids or because they “don’t want to hurt anyone.” But, if you think that your children or your spouse don’t catch onto the fact that something is lacking, you’re probably mistaken. Children are very aware and when parents do not demonstrate affection or a close bond they are modeling the type of marriage that your children when they grow up will have. Counselors say the greatest gift that you can give any child are two parents who love each other and are happy. Does sound cliche, but it does have some foundation to it.

You and your spouse are modeling how to live, interact, and connect for your children. They do grow up and will know only what they have observed. They may well sense or even witness that your household isn’t like others, but it’s more likely than not that they’ll live (at least on some levels) similarly to you. To say the least they will be affected if they grow up in a home that lacked love and laughter. This is to inform you only and there is no reference to your child rearing ways. I’m telling you this hoping that you can see that although your intentions are very honorable and unselfish, they may not be as healthy for your children as you had hoped.

Turning Around A Loveless Marriage:

If you’ve found this article, it’s highly likely that you and your spouse have gotten into the habit of going through the motions and forgoing intimacy. This is a habit that can be broken, just like any other. But, one of you must make the first move. Since you care then let it be you. Feelings of being vulnerable and you may hesitate to initiate, but being proactive is better cause they you will see results. There are two options Honesty with your partner, where you can talk and discuss the lack of intimacy and work through to change things. It is important that you make it mutually beneficial and fun, so keep it light and upbeat when you have this conversation.

Or you can start the change yourself with your own actions. Wanting to make the change is a very positive action to take which you can take control yourself. It will be up to you to start to make more intimate gestures. It is best if you start in small ways first. Shoot for loving glances, spontaneous laughter, or the brush of a hand or shoulder. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself and move slowly. But, over time, your goal is to slowly improve things so that physical touch and emotional closeness don’t feel so foreign and awkward.

Finding Happiness:

While these small changes are in progress in your marriage it is vital that you do look into yourself for your own fulfillment and peace of mind. In a nutshell you cannot give what you do not have yourself. It is difficult to be light hearted and playful towards your partner if you feel depressed and unfulfilled in your own heart. It is best if people focus on what actually makes them happy as a person, then all will fall into place and the outcome is a happier couple. You will be open to receiving any pleasure and you will be able to give and take as you have learned to be responsible for and participate in your own happiness. In other words, you don’t need for your spouse to provide this for you, but you want them to share this with you and you set it up to make this so.

It was my partner, not me, that felt that marriage was loveless and they did threaten to end it all. I knew that it wasn’t over for me and I refused to give up. But, for a long time I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. This had only backfired on me. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband’s love, but to change the dynamics of our marriage.

Growing emotional intimacy requires work and attention. When it’s lacking, a marriage can suffer. Restoring emotional intimacy after it’s lost can be tougher than working to preserve it along the way. So, how do you recognize when intimacy is waning and how do you keep the flame lit for years to come?

8 Warning Signs that Intimacy is Lacking

Many couples don’t recognize the signs that their relationship is lacking emotional intimacy. Here are 8 warning signs to look for:

1. You feel distant from your spouse.
2. Neither of you talks about your emotions.
3. One of you shares more than the other.
4. You stop sharing your lives with one another.
5. You don’t touch outside of the bedroom.
6. Not sharing any hobbies like you used to.
7. Have trouble listening to one another.
8. Stop asking for advice from each other.

Whether you’ve lost the intimacy, or it wasn’t well-developed in the first place, recognizing the signs is critical to get your connection back. Both partners must work toward building and maintaining closeness.

Jumpstart Emotional Intimacy

If your marriage seems to lack emotional intimacy, there are many things you can do to strengthen and deepen that connection. Use this guide to jumpstart the intimacy in your marriage.

• Silence the electronics. Remove the distraction and focus on each other.
• Increase the amount of time spent together. Make dates and alone time intentional.
• Be a safe space for your spouse. Belittling or emotionally attacking sabotages intimacy.
• Read a good book together. Do a devotional together. Talk about what you read.
• Balance your individual needs with your spouse’s needs. Too much togetherness can also be a hindrance.
• Make a “fun list.” Explore activities you’ve both always wanted to try.
• Consider marriage enrichment activities. Attending fun marriage retreats and conferences will help you build your relationship and open up an opportunity for communication and much-needed quality time.
• Get help when you need it. If you feel your emotional intimacy is heading downward, you want to seek support from a Christian counselor. With dedication, time, and sincere attention, you can repair the connection.

Strong emotional bonds in a marriage are critical and worth the effort. Taking the steps and growing emotional intimacy demonstrates your commitment to a long, secure, and happy marriage. It will help you be better parents as well as a fantastic spouse.

Growing Emotional Intimacy in Your Marriage

If you need help in growing emotional intimacy in your marriage, Eagle Family Ministries hosts fun marriage retreats every year in Branson, MO. We also travel all over the country to bring marriage conferences to you. Let’s get started! (479) 464-4442

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If you’re a man whose wife doesn’t want marital intimacy or she flat out refuses intimacy, you are not alone. The good news is, that even if your wife refuses intimacy, there are some things you can do to help her become more interested in being with you intimately again. How do you fix a sexless marriage?

More inspiration about what to do when your wife does not want sex:

Below are a few suggestions for you if you’re the husband of a wife that does not want sex and what you can do about it. We’ve reprinted this with permission from Rivka Sidorsky, LCSW-C, sex therapist. Here’s what she has to say.

One of the most challenging aspects of any marriage is differences in desire. It is particularly difficult when the discrepancy is vast. Not only do you want it a lot, but your wife seems to hardly ever want it. Even when she does, she doesn’t seem to enjoy herself very much. Here are some ways to help the situation:

1) Ask yourself—what are you doing outside the bedroom? Sex is not an isolated incident. For women, sex is part of a greater experience of intimacy. Physical intimacy should begin far before you enter the bedroom—and by that we mean that loving acts, kind words, help with housework, and some flirtation are good ways to begin the process. While you may not need time to awaken interest, your wife likely will. We focus more on how to go about doing this in Step 5 of our marriage counseling program- Love Infusions.

2) Work on your emotional relationship. How is your relationship in general? Do you seem to argue a lot? Are you on the same page with parenting? Working on your emotional intimacy and closeness may help her feel that she wants to be closer to you physically. If you are feeling disconnected from each other, it’s no wonder why your wife may not be interested in intimacy. We have found that working on your marriage often is the key to creating more intimacy in your marriage as the absence of sex is often symptomatic of greater relationship issues.

3) Are you going too fast? Are you even trying to please her? Try to have a long span of foreplay (30-45 minutes) so that she can become sufficiently interested. Ask her what makes her feel good and focus on giving to her. By becoming other focused, you will have both feel more connected.

4) Ask her if you are hurting her—physically-speaking. If she is experiencing any genital pain, that is a very good reason why she does not have interest in intimacy Talk to her directly about this and ask for her openness and honesty. If she is experiencing vaginal pain, she should speak to her gynecologist right away as a first step to solving the pain. If that does not help, consider seeing a sex therapist.

5) Talk to her about how you feel about your intimate life. Tell her how much you love her and wish you could connect more on this level.

A marriage cannot survive without intimacy. If you are living in a marriage with no intimacy, it is essential that you work now to gain it back in a safe manner. Talk with us about our private 2 day marriage intensive retreat. It’s the best way for you to rebuild the trust and regain intimacy.

Some unhappy marriages can be saved with work and dedication from both partners. Other relationships may be damaged beyond repair by infidelity or incessant arguments. Through effective communication, resolution of past issues and quality time, your relationship may improve. Both partners should have personal interests outside of the relationship. The couple should also become involved in activities to strengthen their bond. Repairing an unhappy relationship is not easy, but neither is break-up or divorce.

Restoring Intimacy

Unhappy spouses often report a lack of intimacy. People crave affection and attention. The absence of these can create frustration and sometimes infidelity, says marriage and family therapist Lori H. Gordon in the Psychology Today article, “Intimacy: The Art of Relationships.” Increase intimacy by improving communication skills and giving one another heartfelt compliments. Take time to hug and kiss each other hello and goodbye every day. If your spouse has been unfaithful, determine whether you want to remain in the relationship. If you do, be willing to work through the hurt feelings and trust issues in order to move forward.

It Takes Two

Both partners must work to keep the marriage moving forward, says marriage and family therapist Corey Allan in “Three Ways to Handle an Unhappy Marriage,” published on his website, Simple Marriage. Arrange date nights, seek counseling and work on changing behaviors. The more you work on issues, the better the results. For example, some unhappy couples fall into a cycle of incessant bickering. This cycle needs to be broken and replaced with positive communication. A complete breakdown in communication may end the relationship.

Foster Independence

A common misconception is that a relationship will meet all your needs. Total reliance on a partner can damage the relationship, says couples counselor Elly Prior in her article “Long-Term Relationship Problems and Marital Issues Resolved,” on her website. Each partner should have friends and hobbies that do not include the other partner. This builds a strong sense of self.

I’m in an unhappy marriage, but there are children involved. I’ve tried everything to make a good family life, but my husband isn’t affectionate by nature, and I seem to crave affection.

I fear that my children will grow up with this blueprint of a marriage that lacks affection, fun and friends.

He has many good qualities, but is a very poor communicator. He hasn’t even broached the subject of intimacy in our marriage, as if this is quite normal. It’s not healthy.

I’ve met someone who’s everything I would want — funny, affectionate and social.

He was my friend and I’ve enjoyed laughing over tea with him, etc.

He does however talk a lot about himself and is always very busy.

I feel my husband hasn’t a clue that I’m unhappy, but when talking to my friend, I realized I could be happy with someone else.

I just don’t want to pretend to love someone anymore. Please advise me.

Needing Affection, Laughter and More

Living unhappily has naturally preoccupied your thoughts. Unfortunately, it’s led you to look for an escape, rather than deal with the issues.

If your husband has no clue how you feel, then he’s not the only poor communicator.

So too, if there’s little intimacy, he’s not the only one who’s not addressing this.

You may feel you’ve tried. But here’s a reality check:

Until you speak up about what you want and need, until you suggest couples’ counselling and/or go yourself, you haven’t tried “everything.”

Turning to another man because you can laugh with him, and he has some qualities you like, is only a distraction.

You could as likely end up with someone else who’s not as affectionate as you want, because he’s self-interested and too busy.

Meanwhile, you’re rightly concerned about your children. Perhaps you will one day decide to split from their father.

But doing so without counselling and without first trying your hardest to resolve your marital problems is no better blueprint for them regarding their own relationships.

There’s a recurring situation in a couple of my relationships: I’m friends with someone who’s friends with another person who strongly dislikes me.

Example: A friend whom I see weekly has another female friend who dislikes me so much she won’t even join us for coffee.

This really disturbs me. If I had a friend who was so harsh towards someone I liked, I’d distance myself from them.

So I’m losing respect for my friend who’s “in the middle.” I’d never deliver an ultimatum, but it’s becoming difficult for me to maintain the friendship.

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Is there another way to approach this?

I know we can’t be liked by everyone, but to have someone dislike you this much is really hurtful.

A good friend wouldn’t tell you that her other friend deeply dislikes you. She’d meet with this person separately and avoid having to explain why.

Your “friend” is who’s upsetting you.

She exhibits the schoolyard behaviour of “frenemies” . . . a tactic that insecure young people sometimes use to keep a friend to themselves.

Don’t put up with it. Since this has happened “a couple of times,” look to what’s common between the two separate friends who dealt with you this way.

You may need to be more selective in your friendships and, for example, avoid cliques and look for down-to-earth loyal people, not just popular types or instant friendships.

If it happens again, talk to someone very close or to a counsellor to probe why they think it’s happening.

Tip of the day

You can’t resolve an unhappy marriage by staying silent or by distraction.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday.

A good marriage is best friends with passion. Without the passion, you just have a friendship. For some, being companions is sufficient. But for most, it is not. One of the major casualties of the harried pace of modern marriage is the loss of sexual intimacy. It is too steep a price to pay. While communication is the most frequently mentioned issue in troubled marriages (see April 2005 article on “Improving Marital Intimacy”), inevitably I find a diminished sexual relationship at the center of most troubled marriages.

What follows is a brief tour through the world of marital sexuality with a focus on how to understand the issues and strategies to repair the damage.

Gender and Physiology

Men and women are different. While these differences get debated in some circles, when it comes to sex, they are real and very clear. Unfortunately many couples fail to reflect on these differences and integrate them into an understanding of how to be successful partners.

Start with arousal patterns. Men are quick to be aroused and relatively quick to achieve orgasm. The “spike” rises sharply and drops off just as sharply. Men are especially aroused visually; brain research documents this. So looking at other women, at magazines, videos, and online pornography play a much bigger role in the sexual life of men.

Women are aroused more slowly and after achieving orgasm, tend to remain at a high plateau of arousal before dropping off. These are very different physiological patterns. No wonder it is a challenge for couples to really experience mutual satisfaction. These differences must not be ignored; instead they must be incorporated into the lovemaking process.

The simplest way to do this is, regardless of who initiates the foreplay, is for men to focus on pleasuring their wives, bringing them to an initial orgasm before focus is given to bringing the male to orgasm. It is also critical for men to understand what will help their wives achieve orgasm. While clitoral stimulation is usually a key component, many women still “get off” on intercourse, especially if the angle is such that it also stimulates the clitoris or that clitoral stimulation is being done manually by either partner during intercourse.

It is also important to understand the psychological implications of the different genital anatomies. For men, sexual intercourse is an external act. This has evolutionary implications about the need for prehistoric men to “seed” many partners in order to insure survival of the species. It is part of what allows men to more easily separate sex from love. But, for a woman, to have intercourse means allowing a man to enter her body. That is a deeply personal act and men need to appreciate this. It is why women complain about the need for emotional intimacy before they can be sexually active. Combine this with the difference in arousal patterns and it becomes much easier to understand why it is so important for women to experience meaningful foreplay.

Yet there is a trap here for women that becomes a key issue for so many of the couples who come to see me. When couples are struggling, women insist on emotional safety and closeness in order to be actively sexual. That creates a prohibitive barrier to improving the marital relationship, since the lack of sex, especially for men, but a lot more for women than they recognize, is one of the central underlying problems in not resolving their issues. Women act as if sex is still a process of servicing men and often deny that they are sexual beings who need to be serviced at least as much if not more. While some female readers may be dismissing this because it is being written by a male author, this concept is a central theme in books written by some of the best known female professionals in marital work such as Betty Carter, Ellen Wachtel, and Susan Scantling.

The perfect marital Catch-22: “I expect you to be monogamous in our marriage but I am unwilling to have sex with you. In addition, I don’t want to talk about it and you don’t have the right to be upset with me.”

Talk about the ties that bind. How is someone who takes their marriage vows seriously, and cares about their family, supposed to handle this?

Monogamy is defined by Merriam-Webster as the “practice of having a single mate during a period of time”. If monogamy is required, doesn’t that imply some form of mating is going on?

For me, this becomes a question of what role sex plays in a marriage. Yes, it’s the path to procreation. But, if that’s its only purpose, humans would be like the animals that only mate a few times a year when they are capable of producing offspring. Because humans can feel desire at any time, and therefore engage in sexual behavior, there must be more to it.

Physical intimacy is about feeling good in so many ways. It can be a form of wild, passionate abandon; a slow, intimate way to make up; and a means of connecting on a deep, emotional level. It is an intricate and important part of what marriage is all about for many.

Therefore, it’s simply heartbreaking to listen to my clients talk about the rejection and despair they feel when they find themselves in a marriage that does not include this very personal way of expressing deeply felt emotion. The sense of loss, confusion, and guilt is almost overwhelming.

The spouse, either husband or wife, who is less interested in a physical relationship maintains the power over the other spouse’s sense of well-being and emotional happiness. This imbalance, if left unaddressed, can lead to resentment, anger, and the eventual dissolution of the marriage.

There are some steps each partner can take to remedy the situation and get their relationship, both physical and emotional, back on the right track.

The lower drive spouse can:

• Investigate any physiological source for the problem. A thorough medical exam may be helpful.
• Address any sexual abuse or violence that may have left some residual effects.
• Challenge your underlying view of sex and what you learned about it growing up.
• Analyze the overall health of your relationship for contributing feelings of anger and resentment.

The desiring spouse can:

• Manage your emotions around this issue so you can be open to your spouse’s challenges.
• Get clarity about your physical and emotional needs.
• Define the minimally acceptable level of physical intimacy you can accept.
• Identify your options if nothing changes and be willing to discuss them with your partner.

Marriage is unique to the two people in it. As long as it works for both of you, you’re good. Unfortunately, if one of you is unhappy, the marriage cannot be happy. Physical intimacy is one area that most people expect to be part of their married lives. Unresolved issues in this area can cause irreparable harm. It may be a difficult challenge to address, but it will ultimately be worthwhile.

Do you and your partner struggle with your intimacy? What would make this area of your marriage better? What can you do to move things in a more positive direction? I’d love to hear from you. Let me know in the comments below what questions you have about how to heat up your relationship.

If intimacy is an issue in your marriage, there is a solution. I invite you to have a conversation with me about the steps you can take to reconnect with each other on a truly deep level. Schedule your complimentary Create Your Happily Ever After Strategy Session today.

How a husband can step up his game and better understand and respond to his wife

The Logic Trap

Logic often does not mix well with emotions.

Gentlemen, I’m sure this is not news to you if you have been married any length of time. If you are like most men I see, you start to feel completely bewildered and helpless when your wife is communicating from an emotional place and you just cannot join her in that space.

The problem is that we are wired by our general nature and upbringing to flee into the realm of logic when confronted by the emotions that come our way from our wives.

Very few of us have come from a family where we observed our fathers being comfortable with emotions. Our father’s understanding of what it meant to “be a man” was to provide well for the family, be successful in the career, work hard and fix problems.

As a result of having this example for role models, very few of us are prepared for being emotionally present or even able to deal with feelings.

When we encounter emotions from our wives, we flee into our comfort zone: we get logical. This can be toxic to our marriages.

Logic: A Man’s Comfort Zone

When we encounter our emotionally upset wife, we usually feel attacked. Our default setting is to move into the realm of logic where we can defend, refute, explain and debate. This is our comfort zone.

Our spouses are not blameless in this matter.

They have not typically observed role models who were skilled in communicating effectively, either.

Their reliance upon highly emotional communication can be very hard for us to hear. ( Read more about that here. )

We default into this setting without even being aware of what we are doing. The result is that our wives feel that we have dismissed, minimized and even ridiculed their feelings. We did not listen and “get it.” We debated and fought the “fight to be right.” This is not the recipe for emotional intimacy.

As men, we can stick with our logical stance and fight to prove our points or defend ourselves, but in winning the fight, we lose the war and potentially our marriage.

Your wife has chosen you to be the one man on the planet with whom she can be emotionally safe and honest.

We are the one person our wives expect to “get how they feel.”

We are the one person they have chosen who is expected to understand, accept, validate and protect them.

We cannot fail in this responsibility.

We have to remember: “Do I want to be right or do I want to be married?”

A key component of marriage is emotional intimacy

I have worked as a marriage coach with several men who describe themselves to me as emotionally handicapped.

One told me “I’m an emotional three-year-old. Help me!”

I believe this is an area where husbands struggle the most.

Emotional Intimacy is one of the five levels of intimacy we learn from reading The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real. (For a conversation about the five rules of intimacy, read my post on how the rules of marriage have changed. )

I’ve made the mistake myself. It’s easy to do. Here are a couple of examples of how guys respond and how to fix the lack of emotional intimacy.

An Example from Joe and Amanda

Joe’s wife Amanda came to him with her feelings of loss, hurt and pain regarding her miscarriage.

He replied, “That was nine years ago! You can’t still be upset about that!”

He stepped on the Logic Landmine and was sent to the marital emergency room for treatment of his injury.

The injury is serious but hopefully not fatal to the relationship.

Joe was able to recover by coming back to her to say, “I am so sorry to have minimized your feelings of loss and hurt about the miscarriage. I wish I had been able to hear your pain and to be there for you to share those feelings.

I’m sorry, and I’m working on being the one you can share your feelings with and know that they will be cherished. I’m not good at this but I want to be the one you can talk to about how you feel.”

A Personal Example

My wife shared her feelings with me regarding the fact that she had not been blessed with the experience of giving birth. I responded, “You knew that wasn’t going to be possible when we married. How can you be upset about that?”

Kaboom. My wife was hurt by my insensitivity to her loss.

The look on her face made it very clear to me that I’d blown it. It was time to shut off my “logic mode” and get connected with her on the level of emotions.

I was able to hear her loss and acknowledge it, though it made little sense to me. My perspective was not the point . She felt a real sense of loss, and I needed to “get it.” I hope you guys can be smarter than I was.

Here is a video that I think perfectly describes the dilemma we are faced when dealing with our wives’ feelings. It’s funny, but don’t miss the point. Your wife’s feelings matter more than the facts.

Want help developing emotional intimacy?

With a little coaching and insight, I believe that husbands can change.

I’ve seen it many times, including in my own marriage.

If you find yourself struggling with this issue, please let us help. You can contact us here.

If you search the web for how to fix a sexless marriage, there are going to be a lot of suggestions out there, some which never in your wildest dreams would you have ever imagined. There are those that suggest that monogamy is just too boring and that humans were designed for procreation and therefore we “should” add other things (or people) to the mix!

More inspiration for strengthening marital intimacy:

What Can and Can’t Help Fix a Sexless Marriage

Does fixing a sexless marriage include exploring other alternative options outside of the traditional confines of monogamy?

We’ll spare you the rest of the details as we believe any external outlets that are now being recommended to fix a sexless marriage and strengthen intimacy, actually harm the marriage more than help it. That’s due to the couple being drawn further away from each other and sometimes becoming “reliant” on those other external outlets.

Can a traditional monogamous marriage experience passion and sustain a healthy intimate life? There are those who think not. And we disagree.

It makes sense that due to reasons like exhaustion, busyness, the kids, work, our intimate life is often the first thing to go. We also propose that if you’re disconnected from your spouse in other ways, you’re going to turn away from being intimate and leave this chapter of your life neglected. On top of that, if you’re a woman and you experience pain from being intimate with your spouse, it will get even more complicated and traumatic.

Additionally, for men who are married to women who do have a sexual dysfunction, there is something called secondary sexual dysfunction. Secondary sexual dysfunction occurs when one person has a “primary” sexual dysfunction and then because the one has a problem, the other one develops a sexual dysfunction in response to the first one.

You cannot ignore your sex life and live in a sexless marriage, happily. We will go further to suggest that the state of the sexual health of your marriage is a barometer for the overall state of the health of your marriage.

So if you don’t currently enjoy a healthy sex life, chances are that your marriage could be much better. In fact, the sex therapist that we collaborate with in our marriage counseling practice says, “When sex is great, it’s only 20% of the relationship. When sex is bad, it’s more like 80% of the relationship.” Basically, when sex is bad it has very detrimental effects to the relationship, but if it’s good, it doesn’t feel like it is the overall barometer of the relationship.

What you can do now to improve your intimate life and fix a sexless marriage:

1. Use the Imago Dialogue that we teach, to communicate with your spouse, about what you want in your intimate life together. Why the Imago Dialogue? Because intimacy is such a sensitive issue for couples, it’s really important that each of you as individuals feels safe in your conversation with each other. The Imago Dialogue, with it’s “scripted” model of communicating is the perfect way to create safety to discuss such a sensitive topic.

How would that work? You would set up an appointment with your spouse to dialogue about your intimate life. When it’s time for the appointment, you could light candles, clear the clutter from your bedroom, put on comfortable clothing and sit across from each other on your bed, looking face to face into each other’s eyes. (Nelson) Remember, the purpose of this is to connect, not to fight or threaten or blame, even if you haven’t actually ever discussed your intimate life, or whatever discussions you’ve had about your intimate life have been full of negativity.

If you need help with this exercise, you’ll want to get our relationship self help book.

You may be pleasantly surprised to learn more about what your spouse desires and what would make him/her feel good. That’s the beauty of the Imago dialogue and what can come out of that connected discussion.

2. It’s also really helpful to talk about some of beliefs that you have about monogamy. When we work with couples we help them draft what is called a “Relationship Vision” which discusses the beliefs that you as an individual have about yourself, your relationship, and your vision for it’s future, getting down to the nitty gritty details all the way from what you are used to from your childhood home to how you would like to spend retirement together, for instance.

It’s helpful to craft a relationship vision for your intimate life as well. We all get married and we take vows at our wedding, and we assume that we are going to be faithful towards each other. What happens though when one person has different beliefs about being faithful than you do? Is watching pornography ok or not ok? Is it ok to go to a particular kind of club? One person may think it is absolutely ok and means nothing, and to the other it may feel like being cheated on. It’s helpful to talk and communicate with each other about your partner’s beliefs about being faithful because when our intimate lives get boring, and life happens, eyes may start to wander – and that’s when the talk about those varied beliefs count. (Nelson)

The only steadfast rule here is to communicate. Communicate safely with your spouse and you will be well on the road to sexual health and fixing that sexless marriage.

If you want to address your sexless marriage by looking at it’s root cause and work together with your spouse in a safe and comfortable way- one that will reawaken passion and love quickly, consider our 2 Day Marriage Restoration Retreat with intensive imago therapy. It’s the quickest and most effective way to make a stale marriage joyful again!

Some words of wisdom from experienced sex therapists.

The truth about sex is that, while there are certainly those legendary couples who have sex five times a week every week, most people in long-term relationships experience periods where they just don’t have sex all that often. Sex in marriage fluctuates, and a dry spell isn’t necessarily indicative of irreversible damage. And though the frequency of sex might dip, the quality of sex can and should increase. It’s when couples forfeit sex and intimacy all together in the longterm that bigger issues could be at play.

Sexless marriages, though quite common, are more often than not a sign of deeper relationship issues like a lack of emotional intimacy, issues of resentment, experiencing the “roommate phase,” or becoming bored. Whatever the issue, a sexless relationship is a symptom, and it shouldn’t be ignored. So what do you do if you find yourself in a sexless marriage? SSex therapists who are well-versed in helping couples work through issues of sexual dry spells walk us through how often people fall into sexless marriages, and how to help get a relationship back on track.

Figure Out the Real Issue Behind a Sexless Marriage

“The common stereotype of the husband who wants more sex and the wife who is holding out is approaching myth status,” says Michael Moore, a licensed professional counselor and relationship expert at Marriage Mojo. “More and more couples are describing the reverse. Research indicates that testosterone has been falling steadily in men for decades so that could at least partially explain this trend.” Whatever the issue, the first step in diagnosing and treating a sexless marriage is to explore the reason for the problem and how long it’s been going on. Without that knowledge, no solutions will present themselves.

Avoid Acting Passive-Aggressively

“I work with sexless marriages all the time,” says Elisabeth Mandel Goldberg, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “My assumption — unless fully convinced otherwise — is that one of them has had an affair, or still is.” According to Goldberg, bedroom death is usually a good indicator that someone will be seeking sex outside of the marriage or relationship sometime soon. “Sexless marriage is one opportunity away from infidelity. That’s how serious it is. Couples must practice talking openly about their needs so they don’t act out passive-aggressively and cause a ton of damage to many people.”

Talk About the Good Old Days

“There are so, so, so many things that have an impact on our level of desire, and it’s not always as easy to pinpoint as some may think,” says mental health counselor Erin C. Parisi. “Many relationships have people who do not have the same level of sexual desire.” Parisi recommends individuals ask themselves: what side of the spectrum do I fall on? It’s also a question, she says, you should eventually pose to your partner. Try talking about what sex was like before, when things changed, and what was going on around that time. “Ask your partner if they’re happy with how things are. If they could change something, what would it be? Make time to connect with each other, have fun, bond, flirt, try new things, tease, compliment, and set new goals,” she says.

But Don’t Try to Relive the Glory Days

“When I start working with parents who find themselves in a sexless marriage, I don’t tell them to go off and “just do it.” The first step is to simply help them have a better conversation about sex. Sexual problems are so common among new parents, but discussing them in a loving, creative, and productive way is not,” explains Dana B. Myers, sex coach and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. “There is often an expectation that couples should just return to the same frequency and the quality of sex. But with kids in the picture, things truly have changed. But things can get better once again, and with open communication, a sex life after kids can become even more expansive and pleasurable than it was pre-kids.” According to Myers, people waste too much time talking about how little sex they’re having within marriage. She suggests getting proactive. Get to talking. If that’s too much of a challenge, think about seeking some professional help.

Break Down the Problem That’s Preventing Intimacy

“There are numerous causes for a sexless marriage to develop. Many times it doesn’t have anything to do with sex,” says Sarah E. Clark, a licensed therapist and relationship expert. “When couples start to drift apart, lose their connection, take each other for granted, or build up resentment toward each other, their sex life is drastically impacted. You can think of sex as the barometer of the relationship.” According to Clark, open communication is key to working your way out of a sexless relationship. “To fix a sexless marriage you need to treat whatever the root cause is for that couple. If the reason they stopped having sex is strictly about them not enjoying sex with each other, then the fix is about breaking down what isn’t working in the bedroom and finding some new strategies that they will both enjoy.”

Stop Comparing Your Sex Life to the Movies

“People often compare their sex lives to what they see on TV, movies, porn, or to what their friends claim to have,” says Eliza Boquin, a relationship and sexuality expert. “Way too often, people are misled into believing that everyone except them is having great sex.” If you are worried about the state of your sex life, or fear having a sexless marriage, Boquin suggests entertaining some open and honest conversation. “If you’re unable to communicate about sensitive topics like sex then it’s time to learn some new communication skills. Avoiding a topic because it’s uncomfortable is the best way to feed the problem.”

Nurture the Emotional Intimacy

“A first step would be working through any areas of resentment in the relationship and fostering emotional closeness through increased time together, intimate conversation, and affection,” says Dr. Wyatt Fisher, a licensed psychologist and marriage counselor. Fisher says feeling relaxed during sexual encounters is key to sexual responsiveness. Anxiety, he explains, tends to kill the mood, leading to less sex. From there, he suggests setting up a sex schedule to help get things back on track. “Most couples have a discrepancy in sex drives, which can often lead to a lack of regular sex. Creating a ‘sex schedule’ of one to three times per week can be a perfect solution.”

Marriage has no standard formulas to work out. If there was a readymade way to make your marriage work, then there would not be any divorces in the world. The truth is that each one has to work out their marriage in their own unique ways. Having said that, there are some standard rules. Sex or physical intimacy is a must in any man-woman relationship. But there are some marriages without intimacy that go on for years.

Is marriage without sex a real marriage at all? If there is no intimacy between a husband and a wife, are they a couple or just friends? There is a simple way to arrive at the answer to this question. How many times did you have sex with your spouse in the last one month? Three times, four times or may be even 10 times. Now, how many times do you think your parents make love in a month? May be not even once. So a marriage without intimacy also has a chance of being successful.

There are several reasons why a marriage without intercourse can survive. A couple does not have to have a steamy sex life to understand each other or even be in love. A marriage without emotional intimacy can never survive though.

Here are some reasons why marriage without physical intimacy survives in many cases.

Marriage has phases

Marriage is not a constant relationship. It comes in phases. As newly marrieds, you have been making love like bunnies. But now, after a few years, you settle down into an affectionate rather than steamy relationship with your spouse.

It comes with age

Women in particular lose their libido with age. This happens because they go through menopause when they are in their late 40s or 50s. The hormonal impulses ruin their sex drive. Men also have lower levels of testosterone as they age.

Focus on children

Sex often dwindles in a marriage when children come into the picture. Some sexless marriages survive solely because the entire focus of the parents is on their kids.

Marriage is a habit

Whether you like it or not, marriage is a habit forming substance. You get habituated to your partner and don’t really care if he or she is not being steamy in bed beyond a point.

Marriage is about shared responsibilities

Marriage is about sharing the important responsibilities of life. If your spouse shares all your work and responsibilities but doesn’t have a massive sex drive, life would really not be that uncomfortable.

Emotional intimacy is more important

You don’t have to make love to your spouse in order to be emotionally close. You can easily have a strong emotional bond with your partner if you have understanding and trust.

Sex is not an obligation

A married couple should have sex only when they feel like it. Physical intimacy should not be like an obligation that it has to be done a certain number of times in a week or month. It is not a target you have to achieve.

No time for sex

Why would it impossible for a marriage without sex to survive? Some couples do not have the time to make love these days.

Long Distance Marriages

If a couple has to live apart for work, they would have to leave each other for good. Sometimes, a marriage can also lack sex due to distance. But then quality is more important than quantity when it comes to sex.

You would be extremely surprised at the number of couples living in a marriage devoid of intimacy today. According to researchers, about 25% of today couples live in a sexless marriage. So if your marriage is lacking intimacy at the moment, you are not alone. However, just as your marriage needs trust, love, and honesty to thrive, it also needs intimacy. Intimacy is very important in every marriage. You cannot afford to allow your sex life to go boring; you become roommates instead of a couple in a marriage. Lack of intimacy in your marriage can also lead to frustration and bring in other problems into your relationship. On the other hand, it’s very difficult to maintain the same level of closeness you had with your partner as when you were newly married because after all these years, the kids, the challenges and every other thing in between, it’s easy to lose the intimacy.

To repair the intimacy in your marriage, here are some things that you can do：

Understand the Differences in Gender:

The intimate needs of a man would always differ from those of a woman and it is very important for you to understand this. You must understand and respect the fact that you and your partner have different sexual needs. If your husband is demanding ‘too much sex’ you must understand that it is in his nature to do so because he is a man and would naturally have a higher sex drive.

If your wife does not have the same sexual drive as you, you must also understand that she is a woman and her sexual needs and drives would always differ from yours. It is very important for you and your partner to understand this factor and always be tolerant and patient with each other.

Once you understand that you have different sexual needs, then you can chart the way forward of ensuring that you meet each other’s needs.

Identify The Problem： W hat is the real reason why the intimacy has gone you’re your relationship? What pressures are on you that have caused you to lose interest in intimacy? Are there any financial problems or other stresses that have caused this lack of intimacy? It is important to find out where the problem lies in order for you to know how to begin to fix it.

Understand Your Partner’s Intimacy Style： Apart from the fact that the intimacy needs of each gender differs, every inc visual also has their own unique intimate style. Some people are very physical love to be touched while some other people do not like to be touched. Some people 1 public display of affection while some people would just freak out if you tried kiss them in public. It is therefore intend for you to understand your partner’s’ unique intimate style and try to work with it.

Give it Time: One step at a time is what it would take. You cannot rush it or expect it to happen overnight. Rather than taking drastic steps to rebuild the intimacy in your marriage, take small, gradual steps one day at a time.

Share Your Secrets: Little secrets would only build up and lead to bigger problems in the future. True intimacy comes from feeling vulnerable to your partner and that can only happen when you genuinely share your secrets with them.

Increase physical Contact： The hugs, the goodbye kisses, the holding of hands, and all the subtle touches are very important. You may not get the time to have sex everyday or even hold deep conversations but these little physical contacts daily serves as a constant reminder that you are committed to each other.

Avoid Pornography： In the process of trying to rebuild the intimacy in your marriage, pornography is something that you must let go of and this is why; Pornography creates unrealistic expectations from your partner. It triggers body image problems and fears of betrayal and might drive you and your partner further apart from each other.

Sex： You can’t deny the place of sex in any marriage. Sex is view important. You would find it difficult to share yourself or your body with someone else. Therefore, you have to work on your body and your self-esteem so that you can feel more open to sharing yourself and your body with your partner. Conclusion Challenges in your marriage don’t have to lead to divorce. No matter what the challenge is in your marriage, you can always fix it. As I mentioned earlier, challenges should be seen as a ‘call out’ to work harder on your marriage rather than a time to flee.