How to forgive

Rachel Goldman, PhD FTOS is a licensed psychologist, clinical assistant professor, speaker, wellness expert specializing in weight management and eating behaviors.

How to Forgive

Although forgiveness brings many benefits, particularly to the ‘forgiver,’ to forgive is not always easy. In fact, many people who would like to let go of anger and forgive are stumped with the question of how to forgive. While everyone may have a unique perspective on how to forgive, the following strategies have been proven effective for a variety of people.

Express Yourself

In contemplating how to forgive someone, it may or may not help to express your feelings to the other person. If the relationship is important to you and you would like to maintain it, it may be very useful for you to tell the other person—in non-threatening language—how their actions affected you (see this article on conflict resolution for tips). If the person is no longer in your life, if you want to cut off the relationship, or if you have reason to believe that things will get much worse if you address the situation directly, you may want to just write a letter and tear it up (or burn it) and move on. It still may help to put your feelings into words as part of letting go.

People don’t need to know that you’ve forgiven them; forgiveness is more for you than for the other person.

Look for the Positive

Journaling about a situation where you were hurt or wronged can help you process what happened and move on; however, the way you write about it and what you choose to focus on can make all the difference in how easy it becomes to forgive. Research shows that journaling about the benefits you’ve gotten from a negative situation—rather than focusing on the emotions you have surrounding the event, or writing about something unrelated—can actually help you to forgive and move on more easily. So pick up a pen and start journaling about the silver lining next time you find someone raining on your parade, or keep an ongoing gratitude journal and forgive a little every day.

Cultivate Empathy

While you don’t have to agree with what the other person did to you, when working on how to forgive, it often helps to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Research has shown that empathy, particularly with men, is associated with forgiveness, and can make the process easier. Instead of seeing them as “the enemy,” try to understand the factors that they were dealing with. Were they going through a particularly difficult time in their lives? Have you ever made similar mistakes? Try to remember the other person’s good qualities, assume that their motives were not to purposely cause you pain (unless you have clear indicators otherwise), and you may find it easier to forgive.

Protect Yourself and Move On

You’ve likely heard the saying: “First time, shame on you; second time, shame on me.” Sometimes it’s difficult to forgive if you feel that forgiveness leaves you open to future repeats of the same negative treatment. It’s important to understand that forgiveness is not the same as condoning the offending action, and it’s OK (and sometimes vital) to include self-protective plans for the future as part of your forgiveness process.

For example, if you have a co-worker who continually steals your ideas, belittles you in front of the group, or gossips about you, such ongoing negative behavior can be difficult to forgive. However, you can make a plan to address the behavior with human resources, move to another department, or switch jobs to get out of the negative situation.

Blanket forgiveness of someone who is continuing to hurt you isn’t necessarily a good idea for your emotional health.

Letting go of your anger and trying to forgive will bring the benefits of forgiveness without opening you up to further abuse. You don’t need to hold a grudge in order to protect yourself.

Get Help If You Need It

Sometimes it can be difficult to forget about the past and forgive, particularly if the offending acts were ongoing or traumatic. If you’re still having difficulty knowing how to forgive someone who’s wronged you in a significant way, you may have better success working with a therapist who can help you work through your feelings on a deeper level and personally support you through the process.

A Word From Verywell

When you’ve been hurt, figuring out how to forgive can be difficult. These strategies should be helpful in your journey of letting go and releasing the stress of the past.

by Dawson McAllister

How to Forgive

I want to talk about an in-depth journey through the difficult topic of forgiveness. I say difficult because forgiving someone who has deeply hurt you is no doubt the hardest challenge you will ever face. But deciding to forgive someone who has deeply hurt you is also, unquestionably, one of the most important choices you will ever make.

I want to walk with you step-by-step through how you can actually forgive someone. I truly believe this is the most important blog I’ve ever written because forgiveness will help you find freedom. It will free you from the toxic emotions that trap you in bitterness and hate. So let’s get this started.

But first, it is important to state that forgiving someone does NOT make what they did right. You are not saying, “It’s okay,” because was not okay to hurt you. Rather, you are choosing to let go of the bitterness while remembering your boundaries. You don’t have to be friendly with them again. You also might not FEEL forgiving, but forgiving someone is a choice you make, not a feeling you stir up. It is important to understand what forgiveness IS and what forgiveness IS NOT.

Now let’s look at tips on the process of forgiving someone.

6 Steps on How to Forgive

STEP ONE: You can’t truly forgive unless you have grasped the extent of the violation that has been done against you. With the help of a counselor, minister, or another professional, you need to seek to understand what happened to you when you were hurt and why it hurts so much.

Jane sent me some great advice: Let all the things that have happened roll through your mind, and let them pass through. Don’t try to deny feelings of anguish that you may have had. If you keep trying to smother that fire, you won’t help it. Allow yourself to experience the feelings you need to go through, then don’t cling to them, let them go. Try to focus on the good things the experiences have provided you with, however tiny they may be compared with the wrongs the person has done to you.

STEP TWO: Write down the name of the person you have chosen to forgive. Underneath that name, think of the many things you have done for which you need forgiveness and write them down. When we realize how much we need to be forgiven for all the wrongs we have done, it makes it easier to show mercy to those who have hurt us. Keep what you have written in front of you as you go through this process.

STEP THREE: Realize forgiving others is a spiritual, supernatural exercise. In fact, it is impossible to truly forgive others without God’s help. God can help you forgive because not only has He forgiven tens of billions of people, He also has the power to help you, in particular. Just remember: He only helps those who admit their helplessness. You might say a simple prayer like this: God I admit I can’t forgive (insert name) with my own power. Please help me. Help me to understand how much you have forgiven me, so I can forgive the person who has hurt me.

Nathan commented on how he has lived this out: The hurt from the harm someone has done you is so big you cannot forgive on your own. I tried to put it aside, to rationalize it, even to blame myself for it. It was poisoning my spirit. Then one night I cried out to God realizing that this burden was too big for me alone. I laid the pain and anger and hurt at His feet, and He lifted the burden from me. It was only then that I could begin breathing in God’s love and peace and move on.

STEP FOUR: Now it’s time to make the big decision to surrender. Let go of your deep desire to get even with the person who has violated you. Come up with a prayer or statement announcing your decision. Here’s an example: By an act of my will, and God’s power, I give up my rights to get even with (insert name). I make a commitment that when those sordid feelings come over me again, I will release them. I won’t babysit them. I admit the feelings are real, but I choose not to be controlled by them any longer. Instead I will dwell on the good things I have learned from this experience.

STEP FIVE: Make a choice to have compassion on your violator. Look at them first, as a tragedy. In one sense they should be pitied. Bottom line is, because of their violation against you they have suffered, are suffering, and in the end will suffer far more in this life, or the one to come. We’re not making excuses for them, but we’re only saying they are pathetic, and desperately need our compassion. One way to show compassion is to pray for the person who has hurt you. Jesus said, “Pray for your enemies.” He knows it is impossible to continue to pray for someone, and still hate them. Then, while you’re praying for this person, ask for a blessing in their life. Pray that good things come to them. Wish them well.

STEP SIX: Move on. It’s time to make a concerted effort to stop dwelling on what happened. By forgiving someone you’re promising not to bring it up again to use against him or her. If you are going to talk to someone about how the other person has hurt you, make sure this person is a professional or a wise person you can trust.

Jenn commented: Forgiving takes time. It doesn’t happen just once and it’s over with. But I am letting [God] take it from my hands and letting Him handle it. It is not my place to punish [the guy who hurt me], and I certainly don’t need to punish myself by holding on to that hurt and anger.

Forgiveness is Worth the Effort

In conclusion, forgiving someone who has hurt you could be the greatest challenge of your life. But if you choose to forgive, you will join those who are not being destroyed by bitterness, anger, hurt or other toxic emotions. There is nothing quite like living in peace, knowing you are a forgiving person. May God bless you as you seek to be a truly loving and forgiving person.

THE CHALLENGE

When you and your spouse argue, you often bring up the past, rehashing a list of old grievances that should have been settled long ago. The problem? One or both of you may not know how to forgive.

You can learn. First, though, consider why a husband and wife may find it so difficult to forgive each other.

WHY IT HAPPENS

Power. Some husbands and wives withhold forgiveness to maintain a sort of power over their spouse. Then, when a conflict arises, they use a past event as a trump card to gain the upper hand.

Resentment. The scars of a past offense can take a long time to heal. A spouse might say ‘I forgive you’ but still harbor resentment for what happened —perhaps craving to get even.

Disappointment. Some people enter marriage fully believing that life will be like a fairy-tale romance. So when a disagreement arises, they dig in their heels, wondering just how their “perfect match” could possibly see things from a different point of view. Unrealistic expectations can make a person more prone to find fault and less inclined to forgive.

Misunderstanding. Many spouses withhold forgiveness because they misunderstand what extending it will mean. For example:

If I forgive, I am minimizing the wrong.

If I forgive, I have to forget what happened.

If I forgive, I am inviting further mistreatment.

Really, forgiving does not imply any of the foregoing. Still, extending forgiveness can be difficult —especially in the close relationship between husband and wife.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Understand what forgiveness involves. In the Bible, at times the word “forgive” means “let go.” So forgiveness does not always require that you forget what happened or minimize the wrong. Sometimes it means that you simply need to let go of a matter, for your own well-being and that of your marriage.

Recognize the consequences of not forgiving. Some experts say that holding on to resentment can put you at greater risk for a wide range of physical and emotional problems, including depression and high blood pressure —not to mention the damage it does to your marriage. For good reason, the Bible says: “Become kind to one another, tenderly compassionate, freely forgiving one another.” —Ephesians 4:32.

Recognize the benefits of forgiving. A spirit of forgiveness allows you and your mate to give each other the benefit of the doubt rather than to “keep score” of wrongs. That, in turn, helps you to create an environment that keeps resentment in check and allows love to grow. —Bible principle: Colossians 3:13.

Be realistic. It is easier to be forgiving when you accept your spouse for who he or she is, flaws and all. “When you focus on what you didn’t get, it’s too easy to forget all of what you did get,” says the book Fighting for Your Marriage. “Which list do you want to dwell on at this point in life?” Remember, no one is perfect —including you. —Bible principle: James 3:2.

Be reasonable. The next time you are offended by something that your spouse said or did, ask yourself: ‘Is the situation really that important? Do I need to demand an apology, or can I just overlook what happened and move on?’ —Bible principle: 1 Peter 4:8.

If necessary, discuss the matter. Calmly explain what offended you and why it made you feel that way. Do not impute bad motives or make dogmatic statements, since these will only put your spouse on the defensive. Instead, simply relate how your spouse’s actions affected you.

KEY SCRIPTURES

“Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely if anyone has a cause for complaint against another.” —Colossians 3:13.

“We all stumble many times.” —James 3:2.

“Love covers a multitude of sins.” —1 Peter 4:8.

WHEN YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE

If you have hurt your spouse in some way, sincerely apologize. Even if you do not agree with your spouse’s view of the matter, you can ask forgiveness for what you have done that resulted in hurt feelings. If you work hard to avoid repeating the same mistake, you will give your spouse confidence that your apology was genuine.

How to Forgive

Don’t let your past mistakes define your future.

Forgiveness is a process.

I learned this the hard way by holding onto mistakes and destructive behaviors for years. The longer I held onto them, the greater the burden they became.

If you’re struggling to practice self-forgiveness, there’s hope, because everyone can do this, even though the process will be different for us all.

For years, I held on to bitterness and anger, which had built up over the years towards close relationships. Only by forgiving myself was I able to experience such incredible freedom from these burdens.

Let go of the burden you’re carrying, so you can learn how to forgive yourself and start to experience freedom in your life.

Here are 10 things to help you to forgive yourself, even in the darkest moments. They certainly changed my life.

1. Don’t attach emotions to regrets.

One of my first realizations was that I was attaching emotions to the things that I had regretted doing. I was actually connecting my mistakes to my limiting beliefs.

So, is it any wonder I couldn’t forgive myself for my action because it was really the underlying emotion that needed to be addressed?

For example, if I screamed at my mother, I would feel very guilty afterward. Trying to forgive myself for the screaming was ineffective as I needed to look at the guilt it caused me.

2. Move on from the past.

The past really is the past, and when we can leave it there we become more open to acceptance. It’s a very healing experience in itself where you stop trying to change situations.

We find it hard to let go of the past because we feel it is really part of us, but remind yourself that, at that very moment, you did the very best you could with the tools you had at the time.

Keep what you have learned from the event, and let go of everything else.

3. Take a look at the relationship you have with yourself.

You can forgive those around you who you love dearly far more easily. So, by loving yourself and being less critical, less harsh, and giving yourself the benefit of the doubt, it will allow you to appreciate yourself that bit more.

Putting yourself first, taking care of your needs, creating boundaries, and practicing self-care will give you a new positive perspective.

4. Recognize events where you could have done things different.

It’s a great learning experience to write down how you would do it differently next time.

This affirms to your subconscious mind that you have learned from the situation. And if you had the tools you have now back then, things wouldn’t have worked out as they did.

You can then create a clear visualization in your mind of your new creation. This is how we learn not to repeat mistakes.

5. Don’t look at every past mistake.

Just look at the main ones to forgive yourself. You will identify a pattern, and once you can see the behavior developing, you can focus on changing that and not just the “one off” events.

6. Admit your errors.

We are brought up not to make mistakes, and if we do, we get punished. So, naturally, we try and hide from them.

When you can admit to yourself that have taken ownership of that mistake, you realize that you’re human, and it’s how you grow and learn. If you’re making mistakes, you’re stepping out of your comfort zone.

7. Don’t go through this alone.

Start sharing your feelings with someone you trust. You will soon realize that sharing your thoughts will actually stop you from sliding down a path of denial and repression.

8. Apologize to those you’ve wronged.

If you’re struggling to forgive yourself for something you have done to someone else, the best way is to say “sorry” to that person.

Do so face to face, if possible, but if you can’t do that, perhaps send a message or an email. Don’t expect a response; just know that you have said “sorry.”

9. Make it right from this day on.

I can’t go back and change how I behaved towards my family — yelling with such anger at my mom, or being known as the “Fun Police” by my children. But what I can do is to be a better parent and daughter right now.

I can’t “make up” for what I did, but I can learn from the past and create a new future.

10. Reflect on how far you’ve come.

Before you close your eyes at bedtime, reflect back over the day and remind yourself of all the things you have been able to do and made a difference, however small — the smile you gave to a stranger, the rubbish you picked up in the park, the dinner you made for your husband, the person let in front of you in the supermarket queue.

Hold onto these thoughts as you drift off to sleep. Why? Because you really have become one amazing person.

Forgiveness is the very best tool that allows us to face what we have done in the past, acknowledge our mistakes, learn from them, leave them behind and move on.

It doesn’t mean we excuse what has happened, and it doesn’t mean we forget what has happened. It means we have learned and moved on in a better way.

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Louise Armstrong is a Family Relationship Coach, Counsellor and Clinical Hypnotherapist. Join her closed Facebook group, “Let’s Talk Relationship & Life.”

Sometimes, it’s very hard to forgive someone for something they’ve done that’s hurt you, but forgiveness has a lot of benefits. There are a bunch of strategies you can use to help you learn how to forgive. Find out what they are, and what to do if they’re not working.

This can help if:

you’re experiencing a conflict with someone
you want to manage your relationships better
you need to relieve anger and stress.

Why forgiveness is helpful

In order to forgive someone, you need to be able to deal with the hurt and anger you associate with them. Holding on to anger and hurt feelings can weigh you down and have a negative impact on your physical health, your overall happiness, and the quality of your relationships.

Here are some steps that might help you to forgive someone:

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Try to understand from their point of view why they hurt you. Maybe they’re going through something you don’t know about. Was it a misunderstanding?
Try to visualise the situation or event objectively, taking your emotions out of the picture for a second. What happened? Can you see both sides?
Think back to times when you’ve made a mistake, or made someone feel bad, and they forgave you. We’re all human.
When you’re ready, share with others the fact that you’ve forgiven someone – write a letter, tell a friend, tell the person. Once you’ve said it, you’re committed to sticking to it.
Every time you think about what happened, repeat the steps you’ve taken above. It doesn’t matter if the hurt and anger come back; just challenge those feelings each time. You can’t change what happened, but you can change how you feel about it.

What if I still can’t forgive?

It’s okay if you aren’t ready to forgive someone; just take some time to think about it. If you decide you are ready, but you’re having trouble working through the steps, you can also try these suggestions:

Talk about the situation with people you trust. An outsider’s perspective can help shed new light on things.
Write down your thoughts and emotions. They can become clearer once they’re on paper.
Speak to a professional. If your experience is particularly hard or complicated, it can be really useful to talk to an expert, such as a counsellor.

Forgiveness isn’t always an easy process, and it’s understandable if you struggle with it. But it’s worth trying out some of the suggestions above, to see if you can re-shape the way you think and feel about the past and let go of any hurt feelings around it.

What can I do now?

Get some support on the ReachOut Forums.
Record your feelings in a journal.
Talk to a professional if you’re finding it hard to forgive.

Explore other topics

It’s not always easy to find the right place to start. Our ‘What’s on your mind?’ tool can help you explore what’s right for you.

“Forgive and forget.”

It’s cliche. We know. And unfortunately, as humans, we often like to harbour our resentment.

We let our resentment grow and foster in our subconscious minds. We feed off of it and begin to believe the world just sucks. You hit every red light, and it’s their fault – not yours. You feel you have been wronged. You are hurt. Angry. Heck, you might even want revenge – cue Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats.”

The funny thing about holding a grudge is that you aren’t hurting anyone, but yourself. Whether the person deserves your forgiveness or not, forgiving them is necessary to move on and to grow.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary states that forgiveness is, “to stop feeling anger toward someone who has done something wrong.” It’s not even about the other person. It’s about YOU. YOU have to let go of the anger. YOU have to let yourself be happy. It’s an entirely internal process.

So no matter how much you might hate the person or feel you have been wronged, it comes down to you. Perhaps “forgive and forget” isn’t such bad advice after all. Forgiveness leads to healing, and forgiveness and healing lead to a better life – one where you aren’t carrying around heavy baggage from your past. But, how do you do it? Where do you start?

We recommend talking to a friend or therapist. But in the meantime, you can ponder the following. Let it guide your thoughts toward the positive, toward forgiveness and healing, and ultimately, toward a better life.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

The first step is acknowledgement. Acknowledge that you are only causing yourself harm, mentally and emotionally. Accept how you are feeling. Admit it and recognize it.

Our emotions shape us and change us. We make every decision and choice based on our emotions. But you can’t always trust your emotions. Emotional intelligence is your awareness, control, and expression of your emotions. Imagine if everyone acted and reacted according to how they were feeling? Without emotional intelligence, the world would be in chaos.

You control your emotions – not the other way around. This means you have total control to let go of whatever or whoever has caused you harm – whether they are aware of it or not. Forgiveness is a choice. It’s a choice you are making for yourself – not them.

Again, acknowledge this. Take responsibility for your feelings. Examine how and why you feel a certain way. Challenge yourself, and try to understand yourself. In other words, take this as an opportunity to build your emotional intelligence, as well as make a conscious choice to let go.

Think Positive Thoughts Only

Forgiveness is letting go of negative thoughts. Write out how you feel. Talk to someone. Let out the negative – vent!

Then, think of the positive. Count your blessings – literally. What are you thankful for? Find the good in your life. Trust us, it’s definitely there, even though it might not feel like it.

Use forgiveness mantras. One such mantra has roots in Buddhism and is as follows:

For whatever harm I have caused others, may they forgive me.

For whatever harm others have caused me, may I forgive them.

For whatever harm I have caused myself, I forgive myself.

Take a deep inhale, then repeat it 3 times. Let the words sink in. Let their meaning become more prominent each time you say them. Embrace them and become them.

Another way to practice positive thinking and forgiveness? Do forgiveness meditations (Insight Timer and Headspace are both great apps for finding guided meditations). Or meditate using your forgiveness mantra.

Positivity goes a long way. So, why not integrate it into your life if you haven’t already? You have nothing to lose. It’s not just great for working on forgiveness and healing. It also works wonders in your everyday life to make the best of it and help you live your life to the fullest.

Give Yourself Some Space

If it’s a bad breakup, practice creating distance between you and the other person. Same goes for other situations. Remove yourself from them. Reset and reconnect with yourself. Sort out your feelings.

It might seem like a big deal right now. Months or years down the road, it might not matter. Don’t hold onto anger or negative thinking that isn’t serving you. And normally it isn’t. Take time to yourself and process everything that happened. You need this.

Choose Forgiveness

As aforementioned, forgiveness is a choice. Forgiveness is moving forward. Holding onto resentment is living in the past.

You might be scared. What if it happens again? Set boundaries for next time. What won’t you tolerate in the future? Communicate it in the future. But be realistic.

If someone has betrayed your trust, know that it’s often something to do with the other person – not you. Know that not everyone is like that. Forgiveness is not about condoning the other person’s behavior. Again, it’s about personal growth and moving forward with an open heart and an open mind.

Forgive But Don’t Forget…

Forgiving is letting go. But don’t forget about your past experiences entirely. Take them and learn from them. Let them shape you. Let them make you better than you were. This is what life is all about – learning and growing.

Without any bumps in the road, life would be boring. We wouldn’t know what real happiness is without the lows. Be thankful for what they teach you and how they remind you of the good.

Another bonus: Forgiveness lowers your blood pressure and your risk of anxiety or depression. Holding onto resentment doesn’t do you any good. It’s another thing to stress about. Another worry that takes up your time and attention. Instead, take care of yourself. You can only control you.

Start practicing forgiveness. We know it’s tough. We know you might not want to. But you and your life will be better for it.

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Krista Bugden

“Believing in yourself is really half the battle,” says Krista. Anything is possible and you really can achieve anything you set your mind to, is her motto. Physiotherapist, Piano player, skydiver, yogi, adventure traveler and energetic force of positivity, Krista is herself a (delightful) force to be reckoned with! As. Read More

We won’t often get the closure from another that we desire.

This means that we must discover it on our own. Forgiveness is how we find peace, no matter if they want to give it to us or not.

In life, we have to realize how to set ourselves free. It is not up to another (ever) to make us happy or feel at peace. It’s a wonderful thing if people are able to assist in creating a space of well-being with us, but if we depend on them to do this, we will certainly be disappointed.

Other people are on an agenda all their own. It’s called “their life.” This means we never need to stop living the thing called “our life.”

Our human experience is filled with relationships. This is what we do as humans. We have an innate need to connect. Sometimes, these relationships will last years, a lifetime, a second—and others may last a few months or days.

We never really know how long people are meant to be beside us. It’s one of those fantastic mysteries of life that always keeps us guessing. We also don’t know when conflict will occur, how it will be solved, or if it can be solved.

The Dalai Lama—a man considered by many to be the public face of Buddhism—knows a little about this uncertainty in life and in relationships. Being the spiritual and political leader of the Tibetan people, the Dalai Lama has stared into the face of conflict his entire life.

Tibet was invaded by the new communist regime of China in 1959, and since then, they have held sovereignty over the Tibetan people and their spiritual and cultural practices.

This invasion was not done gently—and renowned historian and freedom fighter, Alexander Solzhenitsyn, has described China’s rule in Tibet as “more brutal and inhuman than any other communist regime in the world.” The Chinese systematically dismantled all the great monasteries of Tibet and destroyed most sacred texts and historical documents too.

Despite this, the Dalai Lama remained so successfully positive in his relations with the Chinese—even after having to flee his own country due to said occupation—that he gained the profound honour of the Nobel Peace Prize in the late ’80s.

To this day, the Chinese hold control over Tibet, and the Dalai Lama has not returned to live in his homeland. The human rights conditions are currently described as “dismal” in Tibet.

The leader of the Tibetan people has dedicated his life to attempting to form peaceful communications with the Chinese and regain sovereignty for his birth country. However, resolution for him has yet to occur.

However, he teaches that despite how people respond to us (or don’t respond), we must treat them with kindness. The Dalai Lama still views the Chinese as his brothers and sisters, and he continually forgives them without reservation.

“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.”

Kindness is one of the fundamental principles of forgiveness. The Dalai Lama teaches that we forgive because we do not want to hold onto the poison of anger any longer. Instead, we must promote equanimity in our lives and the lives of others.

In the book, The Wisdom of Forgiveness, the Dalai Lama says, “As soon as I wake up…my first thoughts: Buddha and his teaching of compassion, teaching of Interdependence.”

What if we could all wake up this way? No matter how another person treated us (or didn’t), what if we could have our first thoughts be about trying to hold love instead of anger? Just because something did not work out the way that we wanted it to, it does not mean that we now need to be aggressive toward each other to somehow assert our “rightness” in feeling hurt.

When describing his dealings with the Chinese, the Dalai Lama says, “But if you look at the world today, what is the solution to conflict? Will violence…be the solution to conflict? No…the path of peace is realistic.”

Peace is found through our own ability to cultivate forgiveness. Wouldn’t we rather have compassion permeating our lives?

“If I develop bad feelings toward those who make me suffer, this will only destroy my own peace of mind. But if I forgive, my mind becomes calm,” says the Dalai Lama.

This is the way for us also. To feel equanimity and love, we forgive. I know it almost sounds too simple. But simple things often have the most effective results.

Closure to conflict or suffering with another does not mean we engage in what would create more pain. No, just like the Dalai Lama, we choose forgiveness instead.

Unlike many other spiritual pathways which advocate meditation alone, A Course in Miracles is one that emphasizes the use of our relationships as a fast-track to spiritual Enlightenment. Why? Because only through relationships do we learn how to forgive, and true forgiveness leads to consistent inner peace. The topic of relationships and how to forgive has been discussed at length by David in his talks, and powerfully demonstrated by the way he lives his life.

Below is a very helpful video on the subject of using relationships for Awakening. After watching it, scroll down through the subcategories in our Q&A directory for answers to your specific areas of interest.

Spiritual Answers to Modern-Day Problems:

Relationships – How to Forgive

Click on any of the topics below for a list of questions and answers and additional resources within our Q&A directory. You can also on the Q&A image above to explore this section of the Q&A directory in general.

Special Relationships vs. Holy Relationships

With any relationship in form, the question to ask oneself is always, “What is the fundamental, underlying purpose of it really?” Our purpose in every moment for our relationships is what determines how we will feel. The ego’s purpose will have us seeking to get something from the other, and the Holy Spirit’s purpose will have us using the relationship to practice true forgiveness which sees beyond the interpersonal level.

What humans call “romance” is an ego-invented experience that was made as a substitute for the Love of God. It is born out of the belief in lack, which results in a desire to “get” something from the other. Holy relationships, on the other hand, are used purely to have the experience of feeling the love that we are be given through us. They are dedicated to a higher purpose and are therefore purely joyful.

In the following videos, David explores the many nuances that arise in interpersonal relationships that involve romance and specialness. How does one transcend the desire for specialness and romance? Only through a willingness to receive guidance from the Holy Spirit.

When Should You End a Relationship?

As you grow spiritually and take the limits off your consciousness, you outgrow interpersonal special relationships much as a child outgrows toys. You experience true inner peace and no longer have a subconscious need to have past grievances acted out. Instead of seeing only certain people as our family, you see everyone as your family and experience oneness.

Before this point is reached, there will be many seeming decisions to make regarding when to stay and when to go; when to leave a relationship and when to stick it out, etc. These decisions can only be made by joining with the Holy Spirit and being willing to let Him make all decisions for you. You will never be guided to “cut someone off,” but you may certainly be guided to move on in certainty and love. Even though it may appear as though certain ones are being “left behind”, no one is ever excluded from the Love of God. It requires a willingness to look beyond persons and bodies and recognize the one mind we all share.

Open your mind to a new way of perceiving relationships and allow yourself to be guided regarding the “stay or leave” types of decisions. The following video of David will help you in understanding these profound ideas.

Family Relationships

As we go deeper on the spiritual journey, it is very common to outgrow the idea that our biological family is somehow more special than the rest of our brothers and sisters in Christ. We begin to see that everyone is related to us in the family of God. Gradually, the Holy Spirit washes away the specialness that we’ve associated with certain people from our past, and allows everyone else to be included.

Enjoy the writing from David below, and then watch the videos further down the page for an exploration of how we can release the guilt and reciprocity associated with the world’s concept of “family.”

Everyone is our Family in Christ, in the Living Moment. Past associations seemed to veil the Light of Now, yet shadow figures have no power to hide the truth to a mind willing to Awaken. As the mind follows the promptings of the Holy Spirit, the judgments and meanings and boxes and roles assigned to the dream figures fade and grow dim and disappear. What remains is a recognition of the Spirit within. The I-Am Presence is Thy Self, far beyond the concepts and roles the world esteems as valuable and real. Having been Called out of the thinking of the world, it is now impossible to remain identified to a limited identity or role. Forgiveness is a concept that can safely be substituted for the meaningless roles that were made to hold onto guilt and maintain a separate will from the Oneness of Heaven. The world’s roles were ego ideals made to take the place of Union in God, yet our Oneness in God is the Eternal Reality of our Being. Today happily let go of all littleness and accept the Magnitude of Life in God. Ask not for the tiny things and illusory comforts of bodies and past associations, and they will disappear from awareness in the twinkling of an eye. In our Divine Will is everything and everyone included, and nothing is kept apart.

Parenting and Spirituality

The video below is a full-length DVD which was filmed during a workshop about parenting and spirituality given by David in Sweden. Answers are given about the following topics:

1. How to talk with children about God

2. How to handle one’s emotions as a parent

3. The true meaning of teaching and learning

4. The meaning of true equality between parents and children

5. How to deal with violent movies, games, and competition

This video is a must-see for any ACIM parent who wants to go deeper into the application of the Course in this context of parenting!

Thank you for learning about Relationships – How to Forgive!

More deep teachings by David Hoffmeister can be found at ACIM Audios for Awakening!

This post may contain affiliate links.

Learning how to forgive someone who hurt you can be extremely difficult, especially if that person plays an important role in your life and you value the relationship you share. It might feel easier to internalize your thoughts and feelings, but anger, hurt, and resentment have a tendency to fester, and can negatively impact your cardiovascular health and immune system, and increase feelings of stress and anxiety. Learning how to forgive is important for your mental, physical, and emotional well-being, and can help strengthen the relationship you have with yourself and others. Forgiveness sets you free, and we’re excited to share 7 tips and ideas to help you move forward when someone has hurt you.

How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You

1. RECOGNIZE WHAT FORGIVENESS MEANS
Many people associate forgiveness with acceptance and reconciliation, and believe that in order to forgive someone, they need to condone the things they did or didn’t do. If you want to know how to forgive someone who hurt you, a great first step is to acknowledge that forgiveness doesn’t have to mean any of these things. You don’t need to accept the way someone treated you, and your relationship doesn’t need to return to the way it was if you don’t want it to. Forgiveness isn’t about making the other person feel better for what they did or how they treated you – it’s about freeing yourself from the mental, physical, and emotional anguish they have caused you.

2. ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL ALL THE FEELS
Many people have a tendency to sweep things under the rug in order to avoid conflict, and while this often feels easier in the short-term, unresolved hurt and anger end up festering and compounding over time. If you want to know how to forgive someone who hurt you, you need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable so you can acknowledge and work through your thoughts and feelings they’ve caused.

3. CONSIDER THE OTHER PERSON’S PERSPECTIVE
As you work through your feelings, try to consider the situation from the other person’s point of view. Did they act deliberately or maliciously? Was their behavior consistent with how they usually treat you, or was it in reaction to something else happening in their lives? Are they aware of how they made you feel? While considering the other side of the story won’t change what happened, sometimes it can help give you perspective as to why someone treated you a certain way, making it feel like less of a personal attack.

4. GIVE YOURSELF TIME
Learning how to forgive someone who hurt you may feel impossible when the memory of what they did (or did not do) is still fresh, but time has a way of putting things into perspective. Allow yourself space to calm down and properly process your thoughts and emotions so you can objectively evaluate how you’d like to move forward. Can the relationship be fixed? Do you need to set some boundaries? Or is ending the relationship the best course of action? Don’t make these decisions on a whim – allow yourself to ruminate and consider what’s best for your emotional and physical well-being.

5. BE THE BIGGER PERSON
One of the most challenging parts of learning how to forgive someone who hurt you is resisting the urge to punish them for what they did and how they made you feel. Try to remember that forgiveness isn’t about revenge. It’s about rising above and being the better person, which can be very difficult to do when someone has caused you pain. If you don’t believe the other person is worthy of your forgiveness, remind yourself that it isn’t about him or her. Forgiveness is about letting go of your anger so you can set yourself free.

6. FORGIVENESS DOESN’T MEAN ACCEPTANCE OR RECONCILIATION
I touched on this earlier, but wanted to call it out as a separate point as I think it’s incredibly important. Many people view forgiveness as a sign that they have accepted the indiscretions of others, and that their relationship has been fixed, but neither have to be true if you don’t want them to be. Forgiveness is about freeing yourself from the mental, physical, and emotional anguish someone else has caused you.

7. YOU CAN FORGIVE SOMEONE SILENTLY
If you want to know how to forgive someone who hurt you, my last tip is to remember that forgiveness doesn’t need to be a huge, over-the-top, public affair. If someone caused you pain you without realizing it and you want to avoid confrontation, or you’ve chosen to end your relationship but still need to let go for your own physical and emotional well-being so you can move forward, give yourself permission to forgive them silently.

If you are struggling to figure out how to forgive someone who hurt you, I hope the ideas in this post prove useful to you. Remember that forgivenesses doesn’t mean you accept or condone what the other person has done, and that it’s about freeing yourself from anger, hurt, and resentment. Allow yourself to feel all the feels, take as much time as you need, be the bigger person, and forgive silently if needed.

‘Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.’
–Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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Tennis Lyrics

You take your love so freely
Can’t you go easy on me
Hard to resist
Hard to give up like a habit
Why do you go losing control

What are you looking for
All this noise when I need silence
Love shouldn’t feel like violence
Swallow your pride
Open up wide
Let the whole world in

Empty again punish a friend
Make em all suffer it’s so easy
I can’t help it
How could I disguise the way that I’m feeling
I’ve got my reasons
I could give you a million
How could I disguise the way that I’m feeling
I’ve got my reasons
I could give you a million

My mind has been divided
And I’ve been questioning myself
Can’t keep on hesitating
It’s starting to affect my health

Hard to resist
Harder to give up bad habits
Why do I go losing control
What am I looking for
It’s so easy I can’t help it

(I can’t help it)
(I can’t help it)
(I can’t help it)

Oh I know that I can’t control
But it’s so hard to let it go
All the worries they keep coming back
And the disappointments from our past

How could I disguise the way that I’m feeling

I’ve got my reasons
I could give you a million
(I can’t help it)
I’d move on if I could only remember
All that it takes is just an act of surrender
(I can’t help it)
How could I disguise the way that I’m feeling

I’ve got my reasons
I could give you a million
(I can’t help it)
I’d move on if I could only remember
All that it takes is just an act of surrender
(I can’t help it)

All that it takes is just an act of surrender
(I can’t help it)
How could I disguise the way that I’m feeling
(I can’t help it)

I never realised that a simple quote can trigger an amazing discussion on forgiveness, It all started when I had to send a message to a friend who lives in Melbourne, she asked a very simple question, “How does one develop forgiveness?” for a moment I was taken aback and I told her it will be a long reply and let me think it over.

While I was thinking about forgiveness I thought it would be a good idea if I can reach out to few of my close friends and check what do they think about forgiveness and I got some interesting responses.I collected all the responses I received and it put them on a piece of paper for which I have attached in the image.

The responses varied from hurt, emerging victorious, heaviness, ignoring so on and so forth, which led me to put them under three buckets

I thought it would be an interesting idea to check what people think is the opposite of forgiveness and in no time I put this question up on my wall on Facebook and I got some interesting answers which I am reproducing here.

Opposite of Forgiveness

Grudge.
Ruthlessness
Forgive & Forget
Be grudging
Hurt
Disappointment
Offended
Belligerent
Resentment leading to revenge
Holding on
Rude
Punishing oneself
Vindictiveness
Compassion
Selfishness

Now, let’s decode Forgiveness

Is there a need for us to forgive someone, be it a friend, family or a colleague or a superior?

Whom shall we forgive and why should we forgive someone and for what.

Yes, we are angry at them and why are we angry at them? We are angry at them because they did not fulfil our expectation, we are angry because they did not behave the way we expected them to behave, we are angry because they did not do what we thought they would do.

I am listing down The way I deal with forgiveness

Complaining is just a meek form of anger — unknowingly we have developed different ways and means to express our dissatisfaction over anger, our resentment and one of the very common ways in which we express that is anger — please remember; “complaining is a meek form of anger.” To begin with I ask myself, whom I am angry at and that is the start point of the journey in forgiveness. He/she is the first person whom I forgive.
Learning is an antidote to regret — Could you ask yourself why do you think that individual behaved in the manner he or she did, could you put yourself into their shoes, could you try to understand the reason, Why this individual did what he did. There are always two sides to the coin. You are probably looking at just one side of the coin, What is your own individual opinion about him/her, do I carry any preconceived notions, is there any experience I have with that person which has led me to behave the way I did, what could be a trigger for the other person to behave in the manner he/ she did. This self-reflection helps me look at life from a new lens.

3. To forgive you don’t have to agree with what they did — separate your understanding from your agreement. Some of us carry this notion that if we forgive someone we are agreeing to their actions, ways or behaviour. If we forgive them, then that person will think it is acceptable to do what they did and can continue to repeat the same behaviour. When you forgive someone I feel I have every right to clarify and tell the other person what is acceptable and what is not so that it is not repeated in the future . I have every right to agree to disagree.

4. Create boundaries, they are a normal part of self-care, to create a fence is a choice. — When you think or say that I will not reach out to this individual, I’ll start ignoring you, I need time, I need to win against them, I have to show you who I am, You do not deserve my time or I cannot trust you ever. We are confused between self-care and fencing. Do create boundaries, do tell people what is acceptable and what is not acceptable however it’s your individual choice whether you want to let anyone in your life or not. Now this situation becomes extremely critical when the person whom you wish to forgive is your immediate family member or part of the inner circle of your life.

By the way, think, when we create a fence, are we keeping others outside or are we getting caged, something to ponder over, isn’t it.

5. To forgive is to be free and forgiveness is greater inner peace — When you forgive someone you will realise you have taken the monkey off your back, all those things which were making your life heavier, slower are now gone. You actually set yourself free, free from remorse, free from the feeling of resentment, free from the feeling of mental penury. This moment could be liberating when I forgive someone, I just let go, when you forgive you just plainly forgive and you will realise the greater inner peace you may get. The other person may not deserve ( who are we to judge though) your forgiveness however you deserve your mental peace.

I am a very forgiving person, not that I’m a Saint, however, my belief is that I must focus on What I’m supposed to do only then will I get what I’m supposed to get, if I continue to harbour feelings of revenge, hatred and grudge it will do more harm to me then it will to the other person. When I feel angry at someone it is like they are occupying a rent-free space in my head, as Buddha said anger is like holding on to a burning coal in your hand nothing will happen to the other person but you will definitely get burnt.

Think about this, I may be feeling angry and the person who gave me that anger may not even be aware of my feelings and his life is going on smoothly, whereas, there could be tornadoes in my head.

To me the opposite of forgiveness is just to forgive it’s a feeling it’s an emotion which can redefine you and realign your worldview. I can understand it’s easier said than done however forgiveness will set you free, it is liberating, it’s a feeling which you would not like to trade-off with any other feeling and let karma take its course.

Remember, in the garden of my mind, I water the good thoughts and weed out the bad ones. I grow forgiveness and empathy seeds, while I take a lawnmower to the resentment and the patch of hatred. I am the gardener of my life. It takes courage to forgive, be courageous, be forgiving.

Thank you Zoya for helping me put this together.
All of you who responded to my post on FB wall and personal chat

How To Forgive An Alcoholic That Has Hurt You

It’s hard to forgive someone who has hurt you emotionally, physically, or financially, and when the reason for the pain is drug or alcohol abuse, forgiveness can be even more difficult. The behavior of addicts and alcoholics makes it hard to tolerate the hurtful things they do. Addiction is a disease, whether it’s alcohol or drugs that are involved. The addict doesn’t plan to hurt anyone, but he or she is doing everything they can to protect the substance that possesses their life. You need to know how to forgive an alcoholic or drug addict in your family for your own emotional health.

How To Forgive An Alcoholic Or Drug Addict: 7 Tips

Forgiveness is a choice that can be painful. After all, your addicted family member or friend constantly disappoints, lies, embarrasses, and frustrates you. He or she has even stolen from you to buy drugs or alcohol. Learning how to forgive an alcoholic or drug addict has its challenges, and it doesn’t mean you are accepting his or her substance abuse and bad behavior. The following tips can help you learn how to forgive.

Understanding that addiction is a disease, and must be treated, is the first step in reaching forgiveness.
Let go of any guilt you harbor from thinking it would be different if you had been a better wife, husband, child, sister, brother, or friend. You did not cause the disease.
Stop holding onto anger because it is disrupting your own happiness and productivity in life.
Let go of the pain and resentment for the actions that have hurt you. Forgiveness grants you the freedom to live and enjoy your life.
Make a list of all the reasons you love the addict, and read it every day.
Don’t be afraid to tell him or her that you love them, but you don’t like how his or her disease affects their actions.
Saying “I forgive you” is not saying you think drinking or using drugs is okay. It also does not mean you forget. Forgiveness frees you of anger and resentment so you can be happy.

How To Forgive A Recovered Addict

Forgiveness is a gift that is treasured by anyone who has hurt someone he or she loves. Recovering addicts are painfully aware of the damage they have done to family relationships and friendships. If you feel like you have been the victim of someone while they were actively using drugs or alcohol, you may find it hard to forgive and let go of your anger. Knowing how to forgive a recovered addict is much easier than if he or she was still using. It’s important to remember that you would not be angry and hurt if you did not love the person who is now recovered. Remember why you love him or her, and ask yourself how your forgiveness will strengthen their sobriety.

Rebuilding Trust After Addiction

Rebuilding trust after addiction is critical for family relationships to regain normalcy. If you contributed by enabling your family member, it is time to forgive yourself. Many things influence the development of the disease of addiction. Let your loved one know that you forgive them, but you will do something if you see them drifting toward a relapse. Family therapy is an excellent help for rebuilding trust after addiction, and it’s best to start when your loved one is still in rehab. In family therapy you are free to explain with your loved one why you were hurt and why your trust was broken. You can also discuss the steps necessary to rebuild the family trust and relationships.

If you need help with forgiveness and rebuilding trust after addiction, contact WhiteSands Addiction Treatment Centers. They can also lead interventions with family and friends of someone needing treatment or who is relapsing.

If you or a loved one needs help with abuse and/or treatment, please call the WhiteSands Treatment at (877) 855-3470. Our addiction specialists can assess your recovery needs and help you get the addiction treatment that provides the best chance for your long-term recovery.

About the Author

Mark is a proud alumni member of WhiteSands Treatment. After living a life of chaos, destruction and constant let downs, Mark was able to make a complete turnaround that sparked a new way of life. He is serious about his recovery along with helping others. At WhiteSands Treatment, we offer support to you in your homes or when you are out living in your daily lives.

The freedom forgiveness brings

Posted Feb 01, 2010

THE BASICS

The other day I found myself thinking about what would happen if as an adult I encountered some of the children who terrorized me when I was in 7th grade (an experience I wrote about in an earlier post, Breaking Free Of The Past), wondering if I’d be able to forgive them for what they did to me. I’d like to think I would, but the truth is I’m not sure. As a result, I found myself thinking about the nature of forgiveness and of the power and value of being able to forgive.

WHY IS FORGIVENESS HARD?

Forgiveness is hard. But why? Perhaps for the following reasons:

We’re often reluctant to let go of our anger. As I argued in a previous post, How To Manage Anger, the second of the four main reasons people get angry is to achieve or regain control. If we still feel harmed in the now—even years after we actually were—we frequently continue to feel angry. And it’s inherently difficult, if not impossible, to forgive someone with whom we’re still angry. This is true even if the predominant reason we’re angry isn’t due to frustration at having lost control but in outrage at the injustice committed against us (anger at injustice representing the fourth of the four main reasons people become angry). But in the same way soft tissue inflammation is helpful only in the first few days after an injury occurs, often causing even more damage than the original injury if it’s allowed to become chronic, anger—no matter what its cause—if allowed to boil without being harnessed to accomplish anything worthwhile, can cause us far more harm than good.
We want to satisfy our sense of justice. Even if we’re not angry, if we believe our offender doesn’t deserve our forgiveness, we may find ourselves withholding it to avoid appearing to condone what they did to us.
Forgiveness may feel like letting our offender off the hook without punishment. Even if we don’t feel that forgiveness implies we condone the injustice committed against us, to release our anger and forgive our offender may feel like letting them get away without being punished, especially if no other punishment is forthcoming.
We wish to harm as we’ve been harmed. An eye for an eye often feels viscerally satisfying (remember, anger must be discharged in a way that feels satisfying). If we lack the power to deliver actual harm, harboring anger may feel like a second-best option. Holding a grudge does in a certain sense feel good.
They haven’t apologized. The power of an apology to open the path to forgiveness can’t be overestimated. Nor can the ability of withholding an apology—of the refusal to acknowledge a wrong was committed—to block it.
When someone commits an injustice, we often cease to see or believe they could be capable of any good. We tend to abstract those who harm us, as I wrote about in The True Cause Of Cruelty, diminishing them from full-fledged human beings into merely “our offenders.” This enables us to refuse to allow into our conception of them any room for the possibility that they have positive characteristics or have the capability to do good (much in the same way they abstracted our full-fledged humanity into some label that enabled them to harm us in the first place).

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO FORGIVE?

To my way of thinking, forgiveness involves recognizing that the person who harmed us is more than just the person who harmed us. He or she is in fact, whether we want to acknowledge it or not, a full-fledged human being whose full dimension isn’t defined by their foolish decision to harm us in some way (as much as we may wish it were). At its core I believe forgiveness is an acknowledgment that a person who’s harmed us still has the capacity for good.

Forgiveness requires us to view our offender not as malevolent but as confused—so much so that they would actually believe that by harming us they could somehow become happier (though they would almost certainly be incapable of articulating that as the reason). Secondly, forgiving requires us to let go—of our anger; of our desire to punish or teach a lesson; of our need to harm our harmer; of the notion that by choosing to forgive an offense we’re in some way condoning an unjust action committed against us or committing an injustice ourselves; of the need for an apology; and of the need for our harmer to change. For in forgiving another their transgression against us, we’re ultimately seeking to free ourselves. Forgiving, as the saying also goes, doesn’t mean forgetting. Nor does it have to mean returning the person we’ve forgiven to their former status in our lives. It means we move on healed from the hurt that’s been done to us.

HOW DOES FORGIVING OTHERS BENEFIT US?

Forgiving others is the only way to break a cycle of violence (whether physical or otherwise). As complex as it may be, consider the core reason why the Israeli/Palestinian conflict continues to this day.
In order to forgive, we must manifest a life-condition of compassion. In Nichiren Buddhism this is called the life-condition of the bodhisattva. A bodhisattva is someone whose most pressing concern lies with the happiness of others. Attaining this life-condition benefits no one more than it does us, as it is a life-condition of joy.
In order to forgive we must let go of our anger. If we continue to hold onto anger, it often leaks out against others who’ve committed no crime against us, as well as colors all our experiences, often ruining our ability to feel joy in many aspects of life.

FINDING THE COMPASSION TO FORGIVE

In order to muster compassion for one who’s harmed us, we must first believe with our lives that all people originally desire to become happy. From there we must find a way to realize our offender has simply gone completely awry in their pursuit of their own happiness and pity them as we would a misguided child. For no matter how sophisticated a person may seem, how confident and wise and successful, how could an intent to harm arise from anything other than a delusion?

The question will naturally arise: are some people’s crimes so heinous that they don’t merit forgiveness? Parents who’ve abused us? Children who’ve rebelled against us? Spouses who’ve abandoned us? Friends who’ve betrayed us? Strangers who harmed us or our loved ones? Or even tyrants who’ve killed our families? Is Hitler, for example, forgivable? Can one forgive a person without forgiving their actions?

I would suggest only this: that if you find yourself holding onto a grudge against someone who’s grievously harmed you, for you to find a way to forgive them—for you to become the kind of person who can—will not only first and foremost benefit you, but ultimately may have the power to transform the life of the person you’re forgiving. Not always of course. But sometimes. And if it does, in forgiving them you’re not only setting yourself free, you’re actually contributing to something of greater importance, something the world is literally crying out for in more places than you could probably name: peace.

If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to explore Dr. Lickerman’s home page, Happiness in this World.

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Forgiveness and Self Appreciation

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Are you struggling with how to forgive a cheater?

Here’s some thoughtful advice to get you closer to the state of forgiveness, while keeping your dignity intact.

Experts agree: forgiveness is key

You may feel that forgiveness is a long ways off for you right now, but trust the experts: it’s essential to healing and eventually you’ll want to work for it.

Ask any marriage counselor, any Psychiatrist, or any couple who’s survived a cheating incident: forgiveness can help you feel better and save your marriage in the end.

According to experts at the Mayo Clinic, forgiving someone leads to healthier relationships, whereas the effects of holding a grudge bring anger into every relationship, especially your marriage. They also say that without forgiveness, you’ll be compromising your own health and sanity since holding a grudge leads to depression and anxiety.

Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. writes in Psychology Today that forgiveness can even lengthen your life. She also reassures us that practicing forgiveness is not the same as excusing the offense. This is important since many people struggle with forgiveness because it feels like they’re compromising their dignity.

That leads us to a very common reaction to cheating…

“But if I forgive this person, I lose self-respect. They CHEATED on me!”

The hardest thing about forgiveness is getting over the initial reaction that you’re losing your dignity by accepting the cheating.

But that’s totally wrong thinking, since you’re not condoning the behavior when you forgive. There’s a way to forgive without losing your dignity but it’s truly a path and it takes some work.

What happens if you don’t find a way to forgive? Then you have to FORGET. And by that it’s meant you should forget about your marriage.

If you can’t forgive, then you’ve made a conscious decision to hold onto your anger. Holding onto negative emotions is undeniably the worst way to live your life, by the way. It sours your outlook on everything, including your marriage.

So, if you decide not to forgive your cheating spouse, then you should prepare the divorce papers. Living together with that over your heads, without the saving grace of forgiveness will most certainly destroy your marriage.

But the question still remains: how can you respect yourself if you let your spouse get away with cheating? How can you even think of forgiveness without giving up your dignity?

Countless couples have learned forgiveness and survived cheating

With the high divorce rates it might seem hard to imagine it, but many couples do learn about forgiveness, practice it, and end up staying together. It’s all about whether you can learn the process and figure out how to apply it to your life.

Anyone who tells you revenge is the answer is not helping.

Revenge is rooted in negative emotions, and will only waste your time. Once you’ve carried out your plan of revenge, you won’t feel any better and you’ll only have delayed the process of forgiveness…and possibly made things much worse between you and your spouse.

It’s a simple matter of controlling your emotions.

Reminders of the cheating are everywhere, acting as triggers to your negative thoughts. You think you see the lover in a crowd, only it turns out to just be someone with the same hair. You see a happy couple in a restaurant and all you can think of is to wonder if one of them is a cheating spouse. You see a shirt in your closet that you wore on your first date, back before all the problems began and you were so naive…

The truth is, you’ll never succeed in removing all the reminders of the cheating incident.

But you can learn to control your reaction to the triggers you encounter every day. It’s not only possible, but people do it every day. They learn the techniques for reigning in their emotions and getting control of negative thoughts so they don’t corrupt their lives and make them miserable.

And once you’ve learned how to negate the triggers, you can let your more reasonable thoughts take over…including understanding and forgiveness.

A handy list of steps is nice, but you have to know how to adopt the techniques to your life

You’ll encounter lots of self-help material on your quest to forgiveness and healing. They do help, but unless you can map those principles onto your own life and circumstances, they won’t do you any good.

Only you know what mental techniques are going to be effective. It’s up to you to develop your own blend of emotional strengthening processes that will banish obsessive negative thoughts. Once you do that, forgiveness is right around the corner.

If you want a blueprint to forgiveness…

There’s actually a book that explains how to forgive a cheater in more detail. It’s called How to Forgive and Work Through the Past. It maps out exactly how forgiveness works, and teaches you the steps that will get you to a state of forgiveness.

Best of all, it teaches you about how forgiveness works so you can actually begin to holistically come up with your own system for healing.

Here’s what to expect between now and when you finally forgive your spouse

Expect the road to forgiveness to be a long and bumpy one. Even with the book, you’re looking at constant opportunities for your anger to rise again.

You can learn through trial-and-error but this book takes you through a step-by-step process of learning forgiveness. It actually teaches you how to develop your own blend of techniques based on your personality, your circumstances, and your emotional state.

There is no cookie-cutter list of steps to forgiveness- only by truly understanding the process of forgiveness can you actually begin to adopt the principles in a way that makes sense for your unique situation.

How to Forgive and Work Through the Past walks you through everything you need to know, so you can learn at your own pace how to forgive a cheating spouse. Yes it’s going to take time to reach forgiveness but this book simplifies the process of developing your own strategy so you get there faster and easier.

Want to start your own forgiveness plan right now? Stop obsessing over the affair, start banishing negative thoughts and and make sure you’re communicating at every stage of the game.

Want to fast-track the whole process and start healing now? Here’s a link to the book How to Forgive and Work Through the Past. It comes with a 100% money-back guarantee so if you don’t feel that it’s fast-tracking your journey to forgiveness, you can return it for a full refund.

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Kristine Carlson is a psychic medium, advanced soul realignment practitioner, life coach, and author. If you would like, you can get a Soul Realignment Reading And Clearing or a convenient, personal email reading, clearing, or personal coaching from Kristine on her website.

This article was originally published at Psychic Medium Readings By Kristine’s Blog. Reprinted with permission from the author.

By Malia Wollan

Feb. 16, 2018

“Make sure the person whom you think wronged you is the person who wronged you,” says Charles L. Griswold, a philosophy professor at Boston University. Forgiveness means abandoning anger, and that can be long, hard work — possibly a lifetime’s worth. So before you embark, clearly identify perpetrator and transgression, and make sure the situation calls for forgiveness and not something else, like mercy.

Despite a seemingly endless supply of self-help and religious literature that urges bountiful forgiveness, be careful about offering it up willy-nilly. “Don’t act in a way that condones or enables further wrongdoing,” Griswold says. But take action. Studies find that anger, vengefulness and all the negative ruminations that come with not forgiving can damage the human organism, especially the heart. Indeed, so-called forgiveness interventions (essentially practice sessions) have successfully reduced symptoms in patients with coronary artery disease, chronic pain and even drug addiction.

Researchers disagree about exactly what constitutes forgiveness (though they concede that it involves “reducing unforgiveness”). While many theologians and philosophers think it can be unilateral, Griswold holds that forgiveness should be bilateral: For a victim to truly let go of his or her anger, the perpetrator must first admit responsibility. You can ask for an apology, he says, but you won’t always get one. Both parties should use direct and specific language. “Clarity is of the essence,” Griswold says. “If you fudge what it is that you’re doing, the process hasn’t been successfully completed.” And if the person who mistreated you is dead, has disappeared or is just an unrepentant jerk? “You have to find other ways to put aside your anger,” Griswold says.

Many religions teach forgiveness, but being devout is not required. Griswold has written about forgiveness in secular contexts because he believes that forgiving is one way our species can express true moral virtue. Humans hurt one another in tiny and immense ways, over and over, but we have also worked out this simple — yet sometimes profoundly difficult — act to free one another from some impact of that harm.

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Definition of forgive

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excuse, condone, pardon, forgive mean to exact neither punishment nor redress. excuse may refer to specific acts especially in social or conventional situations or the person responsible for these. excuse an interruption excused them for interrupting Often the term implies extenuating circumstances. injustice excuses strong responses condone implies that one overlooks without censure behavior (such as dishonesty or violence) that involves a serious breach of a moral, ethical, or legal code, and the term may refer to the behavior or to the agent responsible for it. a society that condones alcohol but not narcotics pardon implies that one remits a penalty due for an admitted or established offense. pardon a criminal forgive implies that one gives up all claim to requital and to resentment or vengeful feelings. could not forgive their rudeness

Examples of forgive* in a Sentence*

These example sentences are selected automatically from various online news sources to reflect current usage of the word ‘forgive.’ Views expressed in the examples do not represent the opinion of Merriam-Webster or its editors. Send us feedback.

First Known Use of forgive

before the 12th century, in the meaning defined at transitive sense 2a

History and Etymology for forgive

Middle English, from Old English forgifan, from for- + gifan to give

There are many legitimate things people can work on forgiving themselves for – from minor mistakes to major mishaps. Yet so many of us are struggling with a sense of blame that does not actually belong to us, for events that were outside of our control, for crimes that were committed by others inflicted upon us. I see this very prominently among survivors of abuse and assault. We are told that we need to “forgive ourselves” for being the victims of crimes – but we have to ask, forgive ourselves for what?

Survivors of abuse, assault or any other heinous crime are often blamed and shamed for being victims in the first place – and it’s no surprise that they struggle with self-blame in the aftermath.

There are so many questions others ask us when we tell them our stories. We are asked why we chose to stay beyond the first incident of abuse (never mind that there are many psychological and institutional factors that can prevent us from leaving). We are asked by ignorant people why we “revel” in victimhood, as if victimhood is a choice rather than a lived reality. If we were assaulted, we are asked why we wore that dress or why we drank that night or why we dated the wrong person. We are asked to be the “perfect victim” as a prerequisite to being supported or believed.

Society shames us, but the deep-seated traumas we experience also carries its own brand of toxic shame. The very effect of trauma is that it makes us feel small, invisible, and convinces us that we’re not good enough. That we’re defective for having been targeted in the first place.

Shame wears us down and makes us feel as if we need to justify, apologize, and overextend ourselves in explaining why we did what we did, why we got involved with the people who mistreated us and why we stayed so long.

We start to internalize this as self-blame and interrogate ourselves. Why were we victims in the first place? How could I have been so naïve? Why did this happen to me? Like children being reprimanded, rather than being asked how we can be better supported, we are asked what we could do better next time. We are asked why it took us so long to finally speak out, despite the backlash and numerous silencing tactics we endure when we do.

These questions are in desperate need of reframing, both in our society and in our individual perspectives. By all means, forgive yourself for what you think you’re accountable for (if anything), but know that you don’t have to take the blame for the heinous actions of others.

We need more empowering questions that ask us how to own our agency and power without blaming ourselves in the process.

Just because you wanted a loving relationship or stayed longer than you should have due to the effects of trauma bonding does not mean you deserved to be abused; abusers unmask themselves after their victims have already invested in the relationship. You’re not to blame if you were groomed by a predator or taken advantage of by someone you trusted. Many predators are skilled manipulators and know how to present a false image to the rest of society. Even the best experts can be duped.

Rather than asking how we were the culprits in the crimes we were actually victims of, we need to be asking: how can I best heal? How can I engage in self-care? How can I best support myself during this difficult time? What kind of support and validation do I need most? Which healing modalities are available for my mind, body and spirit? How do I embrace the fact that forgiveness is a complex journey, one in which I hold the reins? In what ways can I protect myself, without blaming myself?

How can I be more gentle in the ways in which I speak to myself? Is there space for self-compassion? These questions can be explored in countless different ways, such as through therapy, inner child work, positive affirmations, trauma-focused yoga, journaling, meditation, mind-body work, and support groups.

Self-blame is a very common symptom of the abuse, so it does take effort and professional support to start to heal it. Yet even if we don’t believe it quite yet, it’s important to acknowledge that it was not our fault for being victimized. Usually we are targets because we have all the qualities that predators want to exploit. Qualities which would flourish in healthier situations, with healthier, like-minded people. Qualities like compassion, empathy and conscientiousness.

There are times we try to forgive ourselves for something we shouldn’t even have to forgive ourselves for. The traumas you experienced were not your fault. As a survivor, you didn’t deserve to be abused, violated, assaulted or taken advantage of. Unfortunately, we live in a society that accuses us of playing the victim when we choose to speak out – but victimhood is not a role, it’s a lived reality for many.

As I’ve written about in the past, there are many reasons – from the psychological to the biochemical – as to why abuse survivors stay in toxic relationships far beyond the first abusive incident. These have to do with the effects of trauma, not strength, intelligence or character. There is also no excuse for raping, assaulting or harassing someone, regardless of how they’re dressed; these horrific acts are a crime of power, not passion.

Changing the Narrative of Self-Blame and Toxic Shame

Survivors who move from toxic shame towards self-compassion may still encounter the victim-blaming and shaming narratives that are weaved into the fabric of our society.

After all, we live in a victim-blaming society that urges us to “stop casting blame” on the perpetrators and emotionally invalidates our experiences, which gaslights us into believing that we have to own our part of something that was done to us – everything from child abuse to date rape. The implicit takeaway being, don’t forget to blame yourself if you were violated. The perpetrator has their reasons, of course, but how could you put yourself in that situation in the first place?

Women especially are expected to keep quiet and asked to be accountable for being on the receiving end of heinous crimes; they are asked to not be angry or “childish” in seeking justice. They are asked to seem spiritual or mature while they endure numerous violations quietly. They are even asked to show compassion and forgive their oppressors – without even processing their authentic emotions first.

Crimes like these, whether they be an emotional or physical assault, are usually committed by those who are disordered and morally corrupt. Their character should be the one thrown into question – not that of the survivors. While self-blame might arise after trauma, know that you shouldn’t have to forgive yourself for being the victim of a crime or whatever you may have “done” to place yourself in harm’s way. Compassion for yourself is paramount.

While we can own our agency in changing our lives and doing what we can to best set boundaries, we don’t have to carry the blame that should be reserved for our perpetrators.

‘Is my husband cheating?’ You are having this doubt in your mind ever since your husband started exhibiting a few subtle signs in his behavior recently which bothers you a lot. He is definitely a changed person and those signs were never there, but have become an inseparable part of him.

Few signs manifested in his behavior recently like using new phrases, changing things up, making excuses to stay away from you, and giving blank stares now and then – is enough to raise a couple of red flags in your mind.

You are at a loss thinking about what to say to your husband when you just found out that your husband has been cheating on you. Your ‘once a happy’ marriage is now hanging on by a thread and you think you can never recover from it.

Alternatively, you and your husband might be able to work things out and get past the rough patch and end up being better than ever. But, you should ask yourself, ‘should I forgive him for cheating?’

Even if you make an effort to survive the unfaithful marriage, when you think about your beloved husband cheating on you with another woman , it makes your blood boil and makes you feel sick.

You keep wondering and try to find answers to questions like how to forgive a cheating husband?

But, the first question you want to ask your dishonest husband is WHY did he feel the need to cheat on you? Unfortunately, there is no correct answer to why a person becomes unfaithful.

It can be anything, it could be a result of difficulties in your marriage , it could be something from his past or he just could not control himself from being attracted to other women. You should make peace with the fact that you might never find out the reason for disloyalty and infidelity .

This agonizing betrayal of trust is mostly too much to get over. However, if the cheating husband regrets what he has done and he is even more miserable than you are, then you must be prepared and motivated to survive the shock together and save the marriage .

This depends on how dedicated the couple is about saving the marriage, how much history does the couple have and whether they have children.

If you are a wife struggling to know how to forgive your husband for cheating, you have come to the right place. We bring you considerate advice about how to forgive a cheating husband while keeping your self-esteem unharmed of course.

1. Don’t neglect your emotions

It is only human to feel devastated, angry, heartbroken, shocked or sad when you catch your husband cheating on you. Acknowledge your feelings and do not ignore your emotions, face them. If you run away from your feelings, eventually all the emotions will build up inside you and you will explode like a bomb, and trust me that’s NOT what you want. You will be hurt and wonder how to forgive a cheating husband and move on with your life.

But, the most dominant emotion that you may feel will be anger. You will want to take your anger out by hurting your cheating husband or by taking revenge.

This is not the right way to face your emotions, try dealing with your anger without taking it out on your husband. Try talking to a close family member or a friend, consider writing your feelings down in a diary or a journal, go for a walk, sing or dance it out or even punch a pillow.

Just do not project your rage on people around you.

2. Forgiveness will set you free

When the person you have vowed to stay with and love forever cheats on you, your first instinct is to curse him and never ever forgive him. Forgiving a cheating spouse is not easy.

But, forgive your husband not because he is sorry and has apologized a million times; forgive him for YOUR peace of mind because YOU deserve it. Letting go of mistakes and forgiving is an important tool for a prosperous marriage .

So, how to forgive your husband for cheating? Forgiveness does not mean that you are overlooking the insensitive behavior of your husband.

It simply means that you are better than this, you will not waste your energy and time on holding on to the betrayals and anger, and instead, you will put that time and energy to recover your marriage.

It is not going to be easy, but it is still possible to forgive him when you cannot help but picture your husband betraying you and you start feeling nauseated, think of your calm happy place or distract yourself and do something so you do not think about it for too long.

And it has significant effects on the relationship, as research points out.

Once you have decided how to forgive, refrain from throwing sarcastic taunts in his face and reminding him again and again about what he did wrong, give him a chance to become a better husband.

Watch this video by Breathwork Therapist Eileen Fein on how to practice forgiveness using the power of meditation:

3. Give each other space

You have recently been cheated on by your husband; naturally, you want him to always stay in sight where you can keep an eye on him. You need to keep in mind that once you have planned to forgive your husband you need to trust him and not hurry the process.

Do not turn into a clingy wife always breathing down your husband’s neck. Spend some time apart and get your thoughts in one place and when you feel that you are ready to live with him, move in back together with a fresh new start.

Build a new marriage and make it your goal to survive the anger and insecurities. You and your husband need to reassure each other to come out of this rough patch.

Learn how to forgive a cheater first, give him a second chance and you will see the change in your husband soon. With these three ways, you can surely teach yourself how to forgive a cheating husband.

by Thaddeus Camlin, Psy.D.

Forgiveness is often discussed in addiction treatment, and in general has been shown to bolster mental health, hope, and self-esteem. People are frequently told that they ‘should’ forgive a loved one, or that they ‘need to’ forgive themselves. Tangible tactics on how to forgive are oft-omitted. This article neglects philosophical pontifications as to what forgiveness is and instead focuses on specific techniques, based on the Enright model of forgiveness, that actually result in the experience of forgiveness.

According to researchers, forgiveness starts with an unflinching look directly into the nature of the offense and the objective and subjective effects caused by it. To forgive, one must identify and work through the layers of pain, shame, guilt, anger, etc., to gain a true understanding of how the offense impacted one’s life. Often, an important aspect of uncovering the impact of the offense also includes an honest look into how not forgiving may negatively impacting one’s life.

After an unflinching look at the nature and impact of the offense, to forgive one must make a decision and commit to forgo well-deserved resentment and/or revenge. Children engage forgiveness with the expectation that they will get something in return. Mature forgiveness does not expect anything in return. Indeed, forgiveness in no way requires reconciliation or anything from another.

Once one decides to forgive, the next step is to gain an understanding of the offender that results in a change of affect towards the offender. Fevered resentment and desire for revenge against the ‘so-called addict’ because he stole the antique Rosary my Grandmother gave me and pawned it for a dime-sack of schwag weed may be dampened when I learn that said ‘addict’ did so because he kept experiencing dreams about the Stepfather who molested him when he was eight and I understand that cannabis is an effective dream suppressant. Understanding softens resentment, and less resentment is conducive to well-being.

After understanding the offender results in different thoughts about and feelings toward the offender, forgiveness comes from action. Actions that result in forgiveness tend to include offerings of mercy, love, and generosity even though such offerings are not deserved. Action is essential to forgiveness. Allowing a loved one to move back in to the family home might be just the act of mercy and generosity that helps her turn things around – but not always! Love and mercy can also involve taking a loved one out for dinner, or offering to help her with the costs of a sober living home, or giving him a hug.

Lastly, forgiveness is finalized when we find meaning in the injustice we suffered. Perhaps forgiving others helps us recognize and take responsibility for our own mistakes. Maybe forgiving someone helps us improve other relationships, or maybe it improves our baseline mood. One of the many beautiful things about forgiveness is that everyone tends to win, and there’s nothing like getting a good win under the belt to motivate and inspire more positive changes in other areas of life.

Fr. Carlos Martins, CC
Director
Pilgrimage of Mercy

While St. Maria is universally known as the Patroness of Purity, her greatest virtue was her unyielding forgiveness of her attacker even in the midst of horrendous physical suffering. This forgiveness would completely convert him and set him on a path to personal holiness.

As Maria understood so well, forgiveness is something quintessentially Christian. While all major religions offer some value to forgiveness, only Christianity upholds forgiveness as its central tenet. Indeed, it was to share with us the Father’s forgiveness that Christ became incarnate and underwent His torture and death. Forgiveness is God’s victory, the crown jewel of the Christian faith.

All of us, at one point or another, have been hurt by someone. Sometimes these hurts are so great that they are life changing in a destructive manner. They leave one injured, grieving, and often angry or scared. Long-term, and even permanent, wounding is the result. For example, how does a rape victim come to peace again? How is it that someone whose health has been permanently taken away by another obtain tranquility? How do family members who have had a loved one murdered find comfort?

For many, forgiveness is a barrier that seems insurmountable. For the Christian, however, it is a deeply personal configuration to the one we love: Jesus Christ. It is not only a requirement of Jesus, who commands that we must forgive or forfeit our own forgiveness (Matt 6:14), it is also the way by which we imitate Him who is the mercy and forgiveness of the Father Himself.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a decision. It is an act of the will. Nothing more. Nothing less.

We can understand more by looking at what it is not:

Forgiveness is not saying that the offence or hurt that was done “is o.k.” Offenses, especially the most hurtful ones, will never be “o.k.” How can a mother who has lost her child to a murder, for example, ever be “o.k.” with it?
Forgiveness is also not saying that the offense is to be forgotten. We often hear the phrase, “Forgive and forget.” That might work when the offense was something small, like the stealing of a few dollars. But when the hurt we receive is enormous, it is impossible to forget it.
Forgiveness is not an emotion. We can still be angry, scared, depressed, or sad, even after genuinely forgiving the one who has hurt us. Our emotions are virtually impossible to control. Thus, forgiveness has to be something apart from being emotionally stable and “at peace.”
Forgiveness is independent of the pain we feel. It is not a state of being pain free or a state of contentment. Just because we are suffering does not mean we cannot forgive. Similarly, because we continue to suffer after forgiving does not mean that we have not genuinely forgiven. And, to complete the scenarios, just because we do not experience suffering following a hurt does not mean there is no need to forgive; the mere fact that there was a violation is sufficient to warrant—in fact, to necessitate—forgiveness.

The first step in forgiving is to acknowledge that there was a violation, that the offender did something hurtful. When the violation occurs the offender takes something that he or she had no right to take; e.g., my peace, my freedom, my childhood, my marriage, my heart, my trust, my child’s life, my safety, my virginity, my innocence, my inheritance, my life savings, etc…. Justice demands that when someone takes something that does not belong to him, a debt has been incurred. Whatever was taken is owed back. But, in the greatest hurts we receive the damage done is almost always irreparable and the debt cannot ever be paid back. How can a murderer restore the life he took? How can a rapist restore his victim’s integrity? How can a child molester restore his victim back to a state of peace?

Thus, along with acknowledging the debt that is owed, forgiveness is also acknowledging that the offender cannot (or will not) pay back that debt. We have now reached the critical part of forgiveness. In order for forgiveness to be complete, the victim must release the offender of that debt, and turn that debt over to Jesus. The victim then asks Jesus that—instead of the debt—that the offender be given His blessing instead.

Thus, the victim should speak out the words aloud, “Jesus, I release [offender’s name] from his debt to me and I give that debt to you. In place of that debt I ask You to give [offender’s name] a blessing instead.” Jesus, receiving that debt, does exactly that: He removes that debt from the offender, takes it upon Himself, and bestows His blessing on the offender.

Do we have to actually say the words of forgiveness directly to the offender for the forgiveness to be genuine? Saying the words directly to the offender is not always possible nor prudent. For example, it can be that the offender is now dead, or that the offender is a non-personal entity (e.g., a government), or that the offender is dangerous (e.g., an abusive spouse) and pronouncing the words of forgiveness may subject us to more abuse. If it is possible and prudent, the words of forgiveness should be said directly to the offender, either audibly or through written means. Such is the greater and more complete imitation of Jesus who, while suffering on the cross, announced His forgiveness to His attackers in their hearing (Lk 23:34).

It is important to be aware that because the declaration of forgiveness is made does not mean that all negative feelings and hurt magically disappear. Humans are complex creatures and parts of us are frequently at war with other parts. As already stated above, feelings—especially negative ones—are often beyond our control. The enemy will also manipulate our feelings to make us think that, because of the way we feel, that we have not forgiven. Do not give into this temptation!

In such moments, simply direct your attention to those feelings and address them directly: “I do not want you. I have already rejected you. You are not welcome in me. I choose the peace and tranquility that comes through imitating Jesus.” And then renew your act of forgiveness once again by repeating to Jesus, “I release [offender’s name] from his debt to me and I give that debt to you Jesus. I ask you to give him a blessing instead.” Even if the negative feelings come forth multiple times each day—even, say 43 times—then renew your act of forgiveness 43 times. In time, the negative feeling will subside because you are not offering a home to them, nor are allowing them to be nurtured, but are being proactive against them. Peace will follow as a result and those feeling will gradually cease.

11 simple ways to forgive, heal, and move on.

By Stefanie Goldstein and Elisha Goldstein
March 20, 2017
Daily Practices

Illustrations by Colleen MacIsaac

When you’ve been hurt by someone, it’s not always easy to let it go. But holding on to a grudge will only make you feel worse—and not just emotionally. Resentment can cause your blood pressure to spike and trigger the release of stress chemicals that can make you physically sick. And the truth is: It doesn’t really do any good anyway. As the saying goes: “Not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

The paradox is, when you’ve been wronged, forgiveness is the only thing that provides relief from the pain. Sound like a bitter pill to swallow? Read on to learn how forgiving others (and yourself) can help you release the heavy burden of resentment and experience more freedom.

1. Understand forgiveness

Before you attempt to force forgiveness on your most tender hurts, consider what it is you’re asking of yourself: Forgiving doesn’t mean that you condone what happened or that the perpetrator is blameless. It is making the conscious choice to release yourself from the burden, pain, and stress of holding on to resentment.

Forgiving doesn’t mean that you condone what happened or that the perpetrator is blameless. It is making the conscious choice to release yourself from the burden, pain, and stress of holding on to resentment.

2. Feel your pain

Hurts can run deep, even if at first glance they don’t seem to make a big impact. It’s important to give yourself permission to acknowledge and honor the pain that’s very real for you. Notice where you feel it in your body and ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” Maybe you need to feel supported, take more time, or do something kind for yourself. Allowing space for the pain in this way can help you know whether you’re ready to release it from your heart and mind.

3. Name it

Whether you’ve hurt yourself or have been hurt by another, allow yourself to be honest and simply name the feelings that are there. They might include guilt, grief, shame, sorrow, confusion, or anger. As you consider the act of forgiveness, any of these feelings can arise. A study at UCLA found that when you name your emotional experience it turns the volume down on your amygdala, the emotion center of the brain, and brings resources back to your pre-frontal cortex, the rational part of your brain. So, by naming the feeling you can create space and not get overwhelmed.

4. Let it out

Keeping hurt feelings bottled up only causes additional stress to your mind and body. Even if the memory is difficult to confront, see if you can share how you’re feeling. You can write about it in a journal or talk about it with a friend or a professional counselor. Sharing helps you expand your perspective, and perhaps even see what happened through a different lens.

5. Flip your focus

If possible, see if you can flip your focus from being the victim to putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. For example, consider the life the person lived that led them to this hurtful action. This is difficult to do, but remember, you’re not condoning any action. This exercise is just about trying to see that, as humans, we are deeply impacted by our own traumas and life experiences, which greatly inform how we show up and act in the world. If you are able to do this, compassion naturally tends to flow from this more understanding perspective.

6. Take action (start small)

Whether you are forgiving yourself or another person, taking action can help to facilitate healing and make you feel more empowered. It’s best to start with smaller misdeeds to get into practice and feel what’s possible. Writing a letter or having an uncomfortable conversation can be difficult and even scary, but often a sense of empowerment emerges from the self-compassionate action of listening to yourself and doing something that supports you.

7. Remember, you’re not the first or last

When you’ve been hurt, it’s common to feel like you’re the only one who has ever been wronged in this way. In fact, it’s likely that this transgression (or something similar to it) has been made many, maybe even millions of times before throughout human history. Making mistakes is part of our shared human experience. Remembering you are not alone in experiencing this kind of pain can help to loosen your grip on your resentment.

8. Have patience; forgiveness is a practice

Forgiveness isn’t a quick-fix solution. It’s a process, so be patient with yourself. With smaller transgressions, forgiveness can happen pretty quickly, but with the larger ones, it can take years. As you begin with the smaller misdeeds and then move onto the harder ones, be kind to yourself, take deep breaths, and continue on.

9. Stop blaming

We all know it can feel good now and again to complain to a friend—misery loves company, right? Well, not exactly. Researcher Brené Brown, author of Rising Strong, says, “Blaming is a way to discharge pain and discomfort.” It gives us a false sense of control but inevitably keeps the negativity kicking around in our minds, increasing our stress and eroding our relationships.

10. Practice more mindfulness

A recent study surveyed 94 adults who had been cheated on by their partners, and found a correlation between traits of mindfulness and forgiveness. In other words, it can be said that the more you practice mindfulness, the more you strengthen your capacity for forgiveness.

11. Find meaning and strength through your pain

As you practice working with the pain that’s there, you grow key strengths of self-compassion, courage, and empathy that inevitably make you stronger in every way. As psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl wrote in Man’s Search for Meaning, even in the most horrific and painful circumstances, we have the freedom to create meaning in life, which is a powerful healing agent.

A MINI FORGIVENESS PRACTICE:

Try this short practice once a day and feel your forgiveness muscles growing.

Think of someone who has caused you pain (to start, maybe not the person who has hurt you most) and you’re holding a grudge against. Visualize the time you were hurt by this person and feel the pain you still carry. Hold tightly to your unwillingness to forgive. Now, observe what emotion is present. Is it anger, resentment, sadness? Use your body as a barometer and notice physically what you feel. Are you tense anywhere, or do you feel heavy? Next, bring awareness to your thoughts; are they hateful, spiteful, or something else?

Really feel this burden associated with the hurt that lives inside you, and ask yourself:

“Who is suffering?

Have I carried this burden long enough?

Am I willing to forgive?”

If the answer is no, that’s OK. Some wounds need more time than others to heal.

If you are ready to let it go now, silently repeat: “Breathing in, I acknowledge the pain. Breathing out, I am forgiving and releasing this burden from my heart and mind.”

Continue this process for as long as it feels supportive to you.

Express Yourself

Look for the Positive

Cultivate Empathy

Protect Yourself and Move On

Get Help If You Need It

A Word From Verywell

6 Steps on How to Forgive

Forgiveness is Worth the Effort

THE CHALLENGE

WHY IT HAPPENS

WHAT YOU CAN DO

KEY SCRIPTURES

WHEN YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE

Let go of the burden you’re carrying, so you can learn how to forgive yourself and start to experience freedom in your life.

1. Don’t attach emotions to regrets.

2. Move on from the past.

3. Take a look at the relationship you have with yourself.

4. Recognize events where you could have done things different.

5. Don’t look at every past mistake.

6. Admit your errors.

7. Don’t go through this alone.

8. Apologize to those you’ve wronged.

9. Make it right from this day on.

10. Reflect on how far you’ve come.

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This can help if:

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Krista Bugden

We won’t often get the closure from another that we desire.

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Definition of forgive

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Society shames us, but the deep-seated traumas we experience also carries its own brand of toxic shame. The very effect of trauma is that it makes us feel small, invisible, and convinces us that we’re not good enough. That we’re defective for having been targeted in the first place.

We need more empowering questions that ask us how to own our agency and power without blaming ourselves in the process.

Changing the Narrative of Self-Blame and Toxic Shame

1. Don’t neglect your emotions

2. Forgiveness will set you free

3. Give each other space

What is forgiveness?

1. Understand forgiveness

2. Feel your pain

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Self Hypnosis MP3 Audio Program

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